My girl just asked me what would my parents think of her being that she is Russian. My parents are open minded and would welcome her regardless of what country or even what race, thing is though how would she as a Russian take me parents? My parents would automatically swarm her with hugs and kisses and be very open and friendly, a very tradition southern family, and not shy and reserved in the least bit, do think this would scare her off? Do Russians when meeting new people welcome them into there arms? ...literally!! :-) And when I meet hers what should I do? Shake hands and say hi,? my first instincts would be to give them a hug, that is my nature but would that be appropriate?
You mean you hug your parents???? ....eeewwwww!!!!
(kidding)
Kid, learning about how both your parents are used to do things is an opportunity for both of you to learn how to treat each other's family. Talk to her, learn and enjoy your new family..:)
I am having to deal with a set of parents who refuse to meet me. They see her as a traitor. I am going to their town anyway and offering to meet them. After that, it is up to them. I will have done everything I can. I made the attempt. I won't be fearing hugs, but a shotgun.
Hugs are entirely appropriate - under the right circumstances of course.
I am NOT fond, by any means of the mother of one of my Moldovans, and I have to admit the feeling seems mututal (though she certainly likes and expects my gifts! and I hear about it if she doesn't get one!) yet there are ALWAYS hugs.
Ditto,
I am off to Ekaterinburg as soon as feasably possible, God I hope that doesn't happen to me. Don't think it will though.
Jet,
I have had something a little similar with my soon to be ex Cuban family. We get along but there is tension. I can tell you one thing for sure if I feel any animosity they can forget 'gifts'. I don't do the one way street thing. If the woman doesn't have the ovaries to be straightforward she has no right to hold her hand out.
My Ukrainian friend Sergey has a wonderful Ukraine wife and 2 kids. Everything was great until he allowed the mother to come to America and live with them. His marriage now is only held together by the kids. She is driving a wedge between them. He described it to me as like a trained attack dog. A sweet animal until a secret sign is given from the original trainer. If the bitch goes back to 'over there' his marriage will be fine again. Another interesting thing is that she will 'pine' for the cold and snow but as soon as he says so why don't you piss off, she says oh no she couldn't. I'd kick her ass out in a heartbeat.
Bottom line is I will not stand ANY interference from the parents or any other relatives. I proved this with my Cuban folks and actually my soon to be ex wife was glad of it. I didn't marry them. Same as I won't be marrying the Russian ladies family. The relationsship can be very good or very bad their choice. I'm flexible. My sympathies Jet.
BK
When I meet my lady at the airport I will be exhausted and messy but I will put my hands on her shoulders and kiss her on both cheeks latin fashion. It says I am much more than a friend but we are still just aquainted. Quite common here.
This is the closest thing I have met so far to being "THE ONE". The problem is that she is an only-child and her father died when she was nine. Her mother has no one else - no job no income. This girl has told me repeatedly that she and her mother are a "package deal". While I care very much for her, I absolutely loathe the idea of bringing mommy over. When I visited Moldova mommy had to be with us ALL the time. After I objected - mommy was with us HALF the time and constantly complained about feeling like she was in an "oldfolk home" when she was left alone.
I would bring this girl over to be with me in the US in a heartbeat IF IT WEREN'T FOR MOMMY. It is becasue of mommy that I went to Latvia intending to start over. It is because of mommy that I continue my search.
Jet
I cannot sympathise enough. In Latin culture this is also quite common. It can drive you nuts. A constant obligation etc. This is a really thorny one but if it was me I would be long gone. Firstly the mother, if she had any real thought, would understand that she must let the bird fly the nest. We are all entitled to our own lives. Secondly the lady needs to cut the apron strings. This whole situation is a train wreck waiting to happen. Latins can be just the same, unexpected visits, bitching because a phone call wasn't returned in 5 seconds, "do you remember you have parents?", tantrums because there wasn't enough money for a fathers day gift and on and on.
My wife was glad I put my foot down about it. In my case it was the father and the mother. I would dread being invited over for dinner because you never knew what mood the old fart would be in. If we walked in and he was smartly dressed everything was ok. If he was in shorts and his singlet there was trouble. I used to walk in take one look and tell her to get back in the car. They never did learn.
I have already decided that for the sake of respect and a healthy start I am going to do the old fashioned thing and ask for the fathers blessing before I ask my next wife to marry me. However, that is about as far as that charade is going to go. I am 49 and I have a low tolerance for bullshit. When I was younger I felt differently.
Let us face it we are contemplating flying around the world (several times), fighting a situation with language and culture, negotiating the immigration and humiliation service, turning our American home upside down to accomodate 2 new people, surviving on 1 wage for I don't know how long and somehow finding the money for planes, visas etc etc. Her family doesn't figure into this picture. That is why I have come to the conclusion that I can't be bothered learning Russian - more trouble than it is worth.
I have mentioned this in other threads. I live in S. Florida. Her folks are welcome to visit in the worst 3 or 4 weeks of the Siberian winter. That is about as far as I am prepared to go. I'll be nice but that is it. I know people in Europe that would kill to have something like that, I'll even help with the airfare. It is a great gesture of friendship.
Sounds like Latvia might be a good idea Jet. I wish you luck. Hopefully you will find an adult woman in the future and avoid the ones who still have the umbilcal cord still attached. Best of luck.
I already visited Latvia in September and October. I went for two weeks actually and was somewhat disappointed in the country. It has become much more westernized. But that description and the story of my adventures can be found in other posts.
I met a wonderful girl but there was a different problem - that I have promised her I would not write about in this forum (she does read it). Thw problem was not all that unique, it is just that as I said, I have already promised her that I will not write anything specific about her in this forum. And I always try to keep my promises.
I find my feelings still going back to my Moldovan. And though I am very interested in going back to Ukraine (where I met her) or Moldova - there is a part of me that feels willing to risk fate and jump inot the fire.
I am supposed to call her today and - possibly put the fiance visa paperwork together to at least give it a try.
I am hoping for divine inspiration (and no, this is NOT a call for toad or Thunder, I'm talking REALLY divine here) to help me out.... :)
I know jet it is a long shot but maybe you could set mommy up there on much less than you could here and I know a long shot but I think it would be better for your stress level. Just from what you have said here I think she would do all she could to keep you at each other. Not divine but maybe an idea if they would go for it.
The first, she is unwilling to do, though I might push for it anyway. She can be quite determined when she wants something and I believe that I would have no rest until I made a move for mommy to join us.
I have also previously considered your second suggestion. It is entirely unethical and underhanded. But I haven't entirely ruled it out.
You might try the fiance visa at least you would have some time alone with her and see just how tight her mothers hold is. It would give you time to find a house with a dungon...I mean mother-n-law appartment...Good Luck!
Mommy has some health problems of undetermined nature and undetermined origin. She has had a few tests done in Moldova. Diabetes seems to be a possibility they are considering.
This raises all sorts of new issues including fiancial concerns if I bring her over and moral concerns if I don't. As one fellow member of thsi forum already put it when I asked for advice "If you bring her over, jet, she will get better...."
And if I don't....well, that's where I'm talking about the moral issues.
There are HUGE ramifications inherent in either decision.
WOW...I'm hurt, Jet.
I'll never care for your emotional welfare again now that you've belittled me in favor of other gods...:)
In-law parents can be a pain in the culo.
The funny thing I have to report is that I got along with X-in-laws better than I ever got along with their daughters.
But then again, I think they were happy with me for taking their daughters away from them so they could breath a little easier.
One of the fathers even went as far as saying to me once:
"Don't put up with any crap that bitch (his daughter) dumps on your lap, son. If you do, you can kiss your balls goodbye."
I think Shaggy hit the nail on the head.
In many countries where money is hard to come by due to unstable (understatement) economies, elderly parents often have nothing and/or no one to help them live the latest years of their lives even with the barest minimum of dignity and basic provisions.
On the other hand, here in the west, and particularly in the US, most of us piss away at least one perfectly savable or donatable $100 dollars every month in things we do not need, should not buy or could do without and not miss a beat.
Personally I think I spend enough money buying fishing flies to feed one small african town or village for the entire year.
Think about it, it won't be hard to find.
That could make the difference between an elderly parent that won't let go of her daughter and a happy wife that finds herself enjoying the best of both worlds: A happy marriage with a man who also takes care of her mother in FSU and a happy parent that has her monthly survival ensured for less than what it cost to date a western wman 'once'.
Keep in mind one thing....If it wasn't for that old fart, nasty as she/he/they may be, you would have never had the opportunity to meet your ONE.
Be kind to the old ones. Everyone here will be one sooner or later.
People seem to have greater sympathy for the elderly the closer they get to beoming a member of that group themselves.
That's why Social Security which really IS a big Ponzi Scheme and nothing more, is such a hot issue.
Young people don't know what awaits them - and what incredibly large percentages of their paychecks will be needed to support ever increasing percentages of retired people. And they are too disorganized to vote for sanity regarding the entire program.
Old people want to keep what they perceive as a good thing. Damn the cost.
Those in the middle may object but as they see themselves drifting closer and closer to retirement age - their resolves become less firm (like told growing...ehhhm..."soft" in his old age).
just a suggestion:
When there you could send some flowers with a message to the parents, however make sure it's correctly written. You invite them over to a restaurant in two days time, and you will send a taxi over to collect them as well as bring them home.
Mention that in this restaurant, the best of a 'neutral ground' you can think of under the circumstances, you suggest to have dinner with them, and of course their daughter will be there too. You would really like to meet them but will not infringe their privacy by knocking on their door, uninvited.
If you do not get a reaction you send that taxi, and the driver will deliver a card with a similar repeated invite. Even if they had doubted you then that driver ringing their bell surely is tempting if not convincing of your good intent. Oh, and that card should mention that the driver has already been paid by you.
I can already hear some practical objections, but if you'd get this right than a refusal would be downright impolite - also worth knowing I suppose.
Jet,
Don't go ballistic exageratimous on me...:)
It is perfectly reasonable in my not so humble opinion to care, provide and feel compassion & gratitude for those elderly ones who are our loved ones, loved ones of those we love or for whom we are somehow responsible of our own choice.
F... the AARP!!