Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"
"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."
"Three? When were they?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"
"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"
Be careful ;) Maybe I take you up on it.. lol
One beautiful day you might get some smiling visitors...
And just so it is said, my door is always open for friends as well,
so if you and your girl ever wanna experience the most beautiful landscape
there is, nice food and drinks you are welcome to hi-jack the plane and tell the
captain to put the plane down at Oslo airport...
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender says "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?".
Bragging
A Briton and an American were seated next to an Norwegian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the British bragged, "And this morning she made me delicious toast and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the American responded, "And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Norwegian remained silent, the American smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Briton arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
Hello all . you guys are nuts but I do have to say I am learning alot . thanks for every thing
add also Im going to Kazan in July are any of you going to Russia in July ? If so let me know I would like to hook up with anyone going
One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.
Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess ...
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same
sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top
bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm
sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could
possibly get me another blanket”.
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better
idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not”, she giggles.
“ Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the
world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something
she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are
subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry,
that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system.
Simple Duties:
You make the bed. +1
you make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pllows.0
you throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. -1
you leave the toilet seat up. -5
you leave the toilet lid down. -10 after the lights is out. -30
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty.0
when the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex. -1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom.. -2
you go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings.. +5
But return with beer .. -5
you check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
you check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing.. 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something.. +5
you pummel it with a six iron.. +10
it's her father.. -10
Social Engagements:
You stay by her side the entire party.. 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking
buddy.. -2
Named Tiffany.. -4
Tiffany is a dancer.. -6
Tiffany has implants.. -8
Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner.. 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.. -2
and its all-you-can-eat night.. -3
it's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colors of your favorite team.. -10
A Night Out With The Boys:
Go out with a pal .. -5
and the pal are happily married .. -4
or frighteningly single .. -7
and he drives a Mustang.. -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) .. -15
A Night Out:
You take her to a movie.. +2
you take her to a movie she likes.. +4
you take her to a movie you hate.. +6
you take her to a movie you like.. -2
it's called Death Cop 3.. -3
, which features cyber-having sex.. -9
you lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15
you’re Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly.. -15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10
you develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian
shirts .. -30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"...-800
The Big Question:
She asks, "Do I look fat?" .. -5
you hesitate in responding.. -10
You reply, "Where?".. -35
Communication:
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like
a concerned expression .. 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes.. +5
you listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.. +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep.. -20
A woman had been married to her husband for twenty years, when one day it dawned on her that she never, not once, ever, had seen him at "full attention" (if you know what I mean0. They had a great sex life, she thought, they did it three times a week, which is rare especially after twenty years - but it was always in the dark. Her husband always insisted on doing the entire thing with the lights totally out.
The next time they "did it" she decided to put her suspicions to the test. They were hot and heavy and into it when she reached over and switched on the lamp.
Looking down - she saw her husband holding a very nice sized, very nice shaped, soft textured dildo. "I don't believe it!" she exclaimed.
"Believe it." he answered "I've never been able to get it up. Not even once."
"And what about that sex-toy!" she screamed! "All these years?!?! I want you to explain THAT!"
May be it is safe to post a joke of the day again...
This time about a briton... hmmm.. I really wonder why?? LOL
Britonvision
A briton went to an appliance store sale in Ukraine and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," he told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to britons," he replied.
He hurried home and dyed his hair, then came back and again told the salesman in bad english, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to britons," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," he thought.
He went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then he waited a few days before he approached the salesman again and said, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to britons," he replied.
Frustrated, he exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a briton?"
I can assure you that you are not the brittish guy I had in mind when I changed this from a blondejoke to a briton joke.. Didn't mean to offend you sir :)