A guy arrives at a fancy dress party carrying a girl on his shoulders......the host looking slightly bemused as he answers the door asks the guy what he's come as,
" a turtle" he replies cheefully,to which the host asks "Who's she then?"
he replies striaghtfaced " Oh thats Michelle!"
God then decided that the isle needed people, so first he created the Welsh.
Michael saw what God had created, and remarked that the Welsh were of such a fine mind, they would soon rule the whole world. God then commented to Michael that all his creations would have balance. In the case of the Welsh, he gave them the Welsh language, so none could understand them.
God then proceeded to create the Scottish. Upon seeing them, Michael commented that the Scots were such great strategist, they would soon rule the world. Again, God commented that all his creations would have balance. In this case, he gave the Scots kilts, so no one else would take them seriously.
God then proceeded to create the Irish. Michael immediately commented that the Irish were so determined in all they did, they would soon rule the world. God again commented that all his creations would have balance. In this, he gave the Irish alcohol to temper their determination.
Lastly, God created the English. Michael was taken aback. Michael commented that the English were great rulers and naturally desired to rule all the world. How could he effectively balance them? In response, God gave the English the Welsh, Scots, and Irish; and thus they were balanced.
There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, the old man.
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.
"Except what?" asked the businessman.
"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
The businessman said, "I'll take it!"
The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my p*ssy."
He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my p*ssy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
Here is my daily contribution for a smile! Please post your jokes you too guys, it is only healthy to smile once in a while, yes, even to laugh a little...
This is what you should not do if you spot a beautiful Russian woman on the bus...
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a beautiful Russian woman in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the woman if she would have sex with him.
The Russian woman, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that woman to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the Russian woman goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the Russian woman. Right on schedule, the woman shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The Russian woman agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the woman.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The Russian woman replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.
And with pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'F*ck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
It is near the end of the school year, and the teacher has already turned in her grades. There is really not much to do. All the kids are restless because they are ready for the summer break.
The teacher says, "The first person to correctly answer each of my questions may leave early."
Little Johnny thinks, "Good. I wanna get outta here. I'm smart. I'll answer first."
The teacher asks, "Who said, 'Four score and seven years ago?'"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
The teacher says, "That's right, Susie. You may leave."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered first.
The teacher asks, "Who said, 'I have a dream?'"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary answers, "Martin Luther King."
The teacher says, "That's right, Mary. You may leave."
Johnny is even madder that Mary answered first.
The teacher asks, "Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you?'"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John Kennedy."
The teacher says, "That's right, Nancy. You may leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that Nancy answered first.
Then the teacher turns her back, and Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
A man and a woman had been married a long time over 17 years together. They worked in the circus doing the cannon ball act.
One day the man went home to his trailer and found a note saying she had run off with the animal tamer.He was distraught and became melancholy. Months went by.
One day the Strong man saw him and asked him what was wrong he said " My wife left me and I'm so upset."The strong man said "we know and I'm sorry but you need to move past this and find someone new." " You need to get over this."
The man replied " I know but she was perfect I don't think I'll ever find a woman of her calibur"
The driver of a mobile crane-truck gave a female hitch-hiker a lift. She was absolutely stunning, wearing a short mini and had legs up to heaven.
Due to the cramped space in the cab they were sitting very close, in fact touching each other all the time, and one thing led to another. They decided to stop the crane and ly under it, after all it was nighttime, and got busy immediately.
After a while they did not even hear the traffic roaring by anymore, but they did heard a voice: 'What are you doing there if I may ask?'
The driver looked and saw a traffic-officer, and immediately said he was having a problem with the differential oil and was checking it.
'Ah, I see, that explains. While you're there also check the brakes, because your crane is parked downhill'
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
n elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared.
The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.
The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"
The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.
The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"
She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."
"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?"
The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."
The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"
The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."
"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."
That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request.
After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished."
The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.
Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow! She's going to let the County bury her!"
Did you hear that WalMart is being sued? Seems a lady tried on an Ernie Irvan tee shirt. She hit the wall three times before she could get out of the dressing room!!
A boy comes walking into town carrying some chicken wire under his arm. an old man on the porch says to him "where you going with that chicken wire there sonny?" The boy replied "I'm going to go get me some chickens." The old man laughed and said "oh ok sonny you go get em" and laughed. A few hours later the boy returned carrying two chickens under his arms. The old man took off his hat and scratched his head " hmm" was all he could say. The next day the same boy was walking to town carrying a roll of duct tape in his hands. The old man said "where you going with that duct tape there sonny?" To which the boy replied "I gonna go get me some ducks" The old man laughed "Oh ok sonny you go get em". A few hours later the boy comes back by carrying two ducks one under each arm.The old man took off his hat and scratched his head "hmmm" was all he could say.The next day the man is waiting on his porch he sees the boy coming to town. "He says so what are you bringing to town today?" the old man asked. "Pussywillow" the boy responded " wait one sec sonny I'll go with you!!!! Let me get my hat"
From time to time I have made fun of Arkansas in this forum. People from other countries have asked why I singled out Arkansas. I'd like to explain by way of reprinting an actual news story from the Arkansas Democrat Gazette (July 25, 1996).
"Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on state Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County Deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday.
Thurston Polle, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog-gigging trip.
On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck's headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. A replacement fuse was not available, but Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on east-bound toward the White River Bridge.
After traveling approximately 20 miles, just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right, exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require surgery to repair the other wond. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.
"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston (shot his intimate part off) or we might have been dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't beleive that those two would admit how the accident happened," said Snyder.
Upon being notified of the accident, Lavinia, Poole's wife, asked how many frogs the boys had caught.
Jetmba,
Are you being serious ? Or is this a joke ? I live close to west virginia but this is the best i have heard. By the way i opened up my mailbox and i was sent all the tour dates for European Connections 2005 but i dont think it is in your best interest right now . Damn that Odessa looks good on May 25 .
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are returning and want to get on, get your asses on the train now, cause we're going down the tracks!"
The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language."
Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom, and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
Then, the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, see the bitch in the kitchen."