I'd be tempted to buy but I'd insist on an instruction-manual in Russian :))
But if you like gifts then go to http://www.australiagift.com/scrotum_shop/
These two guys are sitting drinking in a bar kinda late one night, and one say's "Maaaan I dread goin home. I shut the car off down the road and coast in the driveway with my lights off, open the door as quiet as I can get undressed outside our room and sneak into bed and it never fails. My wife wakes up and quizes me on where I've been and gripes cause I've been drinking."
Then the other guy says "Well, you ought to do what I do. I gun the engine just as I get to the drive, slam on the brakes, screech to a stop, slam the door on my way in, run up the stairs, turn on the light to undress, throw my shoe's in the closent making as much noise as I can, jump into bed slap, her on the ass, and say 'ARE YOU AS HORNY AS I AM!?'"
Three men were lost in the forest and later captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest with the cannibals and get 10 pieces of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather some.
The first man came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explained the second step of the trial to him. First, he had to shove the fruits up his ass without any expression on his face, or he would be eaten. The first apple went in, but when he tried the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.
The second man arrived and showed the king that his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to the second man, he secretly thought to it would be easy to shove the berries up his ass. On the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, so he was also was killed and went to heaven.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!"
The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doin' just great when all of a sudden the third guy showed up with all those watermelons!"
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.
"Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "My god!! What's next? Don't tell me he lied and said I was speeding, too??!!!"
Two guys sneak out of work one afternoon for a round of golf. They get
to the course, pay their greens fees, and are pleasantly surprised to see
that the first tee is open. They get up to the tee and notice a twosome
of women putting on the first green.
The women aren't playing too quickly, and as the two guys are putting out
on #1, the women are just hitting their tee shots on #2. The guys walk
over to the second tee and wait for what seems like 15 minutes. Finally,
one of the guys gets frustrated and tells his buddy that he's going to
walk up the fairway and ask the women if they can play through.
He gets about halfway to where the women are, then turns around and walks
back to the tee. His buddy asks, "Hey, why didn't you walk up and talk
to them?" The first guy replies, "I couldn't. I got close enough to
them to notice that one is my wife and the other is my mistress."
So they wait another 5 minutes and the women are still not out of range,
so the second guy says, "OK, if you won't tell them, I will." So he starts
walking up the fairway, gets about halfway to the women, turns around and
heads back.
When he gets about 15 yards from the tee, he yells to his friend, "What a coincidence..."
A man went to Confession and said to the priest : "Forgive me, Father.
I used the F-word this week."
"Ah, my son. Tell me the circumstances which caused you to use the F-word.
After all, I can understand a person being provoked into using it."
"Well, I was golfing and I had just hit a beautiful tee-shot that sailed
straight as an arrow for 280 yards, but then suddenly sliced into the
woods."
"That is when you used the F-word. I can appreciate your frustration,
my son, as I am a golfer myself."
"No, I stayed cool at that point, Father. I then hit a perfect shot
out of the woods, but suddenly it landed in the sand trap."
"Now, I can understand you saying the F-word at that point."
"No, Father, I was calm even then. I got out my sand wedge and hit a
perfect shot out of the trap right at the pin, but suddenly the ball
stopped an inch from the cup."
"Ah, that is when you used the F-word. How frustrating."
"No, Father, I was still cool."
After several seconds of silence, finally the priest responded "YOU MEAN YOU MISSED THE FUCKING PUTT?!?!??!"
One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Union Station," answered the woman.
"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"
"Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does *THIS* answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"
The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo. The woman cocked her ear, "Quick! My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she cried.
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.
"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.
"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she replied with a knowing smile.
"Great," he said, "I'll just nip into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes."
Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.
"Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.
"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied.
"But..but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband.
The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little bastards!"
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of
going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and
spending his entire pay check. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday
night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two
hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like
it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would
be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and
went with the same results. But , the swelling went down just
enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.