A man in a bar had a couple of beers, and the bartender told him he owed $4.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" said the customer.
"Okay," said the bartender. "If you say you paid, you did."
The man then went outside and told a friend that the bartender couldn't keep track of his customers' bills. The second man then rushed in and ordered a beer. When it came time to pay, he pulled the same stunt.
The barkeep replied, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer went into the street, saw an old friend, and told him how to get free drinks.
The man hurried into the bar and began to drink highballs when, suddenly, the bartender leaned over and said, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responded. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
KIEV, Ukraine (Reuters) -- A Ukraine businessman who bought a pager for
each member of his staff as a New Year gift was so alarmed when all 50 of
them went off at the same time that he drove his car into a lamp post, a
newspaper said on Thursday.
The unnamed businessman was returning from the pager shop when the accident
happened, the Fakty daily reported.
"With no more than 100 meters to go to the office, the 50 pagers on the
back seat suddenly burst out screeching. The businessman's fright was such
that he simply let go of the steering wheel and the the car ploughed into a
lamp post."
After he had assessed the damage to the car, the businessman turned his
attention to the message on the 50 pagers. It read: "Congratulations on a
successful purchase!
If you are a BUSH fan you probably should not even look at this link...
Use your mouse.. How far can you make the President walk?? I made it to 79 meters...
Good Luck :)))
For instance, in many Middle Eastern countries it is prohibited to eat the sheep you had sex with. A person who decided to eat this sheep is making a deadly sin, and he will never get into paradise with 70 virgins.
In Lebanon having half of population Christians, men are officially allowed to have sex with animals. Yet, an important restriction is applied: the animal must be female. For sex with male animals death penalty can be imposed. In Indonesia a person will be executed if he/she masturbated.
In Bahrain a man-gynecologist can have patient"s examination only by seeing the genitals" image in the mirror.
In Guam, the island in the Pacific owned by the USA, there are specialists called defloration-makers. Such a specialist goes around the island and deprives females of virginity for a certain fee. A virgin cannot get married in Guam. A defloration-maker is the most exotic profession in the world, but this specialist is unlikely to move up the career ladder.
In Hong Kong a woman cheated by her husband is allowed to kill him, but only with bare hands, use of weapons is not permitted. As for her husband"s mistress, the wife is allowed to kill her by any means.
In Columbia, in town Kali a woman is allowed to have sex only with her husband. The bride"s mother has the role of an eye-witness and she is required to be next to the spouses during their very first sexual intercourse.
In Bolivia, in town Santa-Krus a man is not allowed to have sex with a woman simultaneously.
The USA also has its collection of weird laws about sex. In Arizona keeping more than two dildos at home is prohibited. In Colorado there is a ban on kissing a woman who sleeps. In Connecticut, town Hartford, a man is forbidden from kissing his wife on Sunday.
In Florida only the position "man on top" is legally allowed, and it is not allowed to kiss woman"s bust during sexual intercourse, in Massachusetts a woman is not allowed to have the position of "woman on top" in sex as well.
In Minnesota sex with birds is strictly prohibited. In Ohio women are not allowed to wear lacquered shoes because they underwear can be seen on their "mirror" surface.
An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young Russian gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweller said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Seeing this, the old man said, "We'll take it."
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man. "You old fart, you lied. There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?!"
"A guy walks into a newsagents and asks the proprietor for a packet of condoms,
the owner replies,Im sorry mate I can't help you,have you tried Boots?...(for the unknown a well known Pharmacy group in the UK),
to which the guy says,
"hey buddy I wanna slide in not march in"!!!!!!!
Who says Liverpool people can't laugh at themselves!!!
The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British Government's "Work for the Dole" scheme and employ Liverpudlian chaps.
The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management, as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for.
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle over to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.
A lady enters a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You can NOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription!"
One day a woodcutter was cutting a branch when his axe slipped and fell into the river below. He fell on his knees and prayed and the Lord appeared.
"Why are you crying?", the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied that his axe had fallen into water.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?", he asked.
"No", The woodcutter replied.
The Lord went down again and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?"
"No", he replied again. The Lord went down a third time and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe?", the Lord asked.
"Yes!", he said.
The Lord was so pleased with the man's honesty that he gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happily.
Some days later while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, she slipped and fell into the river. He dropped onto his knees and the Lord duly appeared again.
"Why are you crying?", the Lord asked.
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes!" cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You cheat! That is a lie!"
The woodcutter replied, "Pardon me, Almighty! But there's a reason for my lie."
You see, if I had said "No" to Jennifer Lopez, you would come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones and then my wife. I would say "Yes" when my wife came up and you would leave all three with me. But Lord, I'm a poor man, and I wouldn't be able to take care of all three wives! That's why I said "Yes" the first time."
The following may amuse...
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N.Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married, Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the
prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.
Ok I admitt it.. I am drunk right now after a long night on the town.. but my gawd GLAD.. you made me laugh so bad the tears was running like the mississippi here for a while.. Great post!!!!!
Two moose hunters from Texas A&M are flown into a remote lake in Alaska.
They had a good hunt, and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane
returned to pick them up, the pilot looked at the animals and said, "This
little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals
- you'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take off."
"That's baloney", said one of the hunters.
"Yeah," the other agreed, "you're just chicken; we came out here last
year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts. He wasn't afraid to
take off!"
"Yeah", said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than
yours!"
The pilot got angry, and said, "Well shoot, if he did it, then I can do
it, I can fly as well as anybody in these parts!"
They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it,
but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake.
It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up, scattering the
baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush. Still
alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it,
and asked, "Where are we?"
One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked
around, and answered, "I'd say... about a hundred yards further than last
year..."
Regarding this business of not eating sheep that you have had a sexual relationship with. I would like to know if that applies to just sheep or all livestock and poultry.
I am just curious you understand. More for the benefit of anybody new not myself.
I used to know a cow many years ago called Spider and ..................... The she stopped giving milk and........................... It lasted about 6 months...............