There is another website out there (initials RW) that list these as the TABLETS OF STONE regarding finding a Russian woman. These points are certainly worthy of consideration.
1. Be very honest, open, optimistic and realistic about who and what you want in a relationship.
2. Be able to be a leader of a family.
3. Be a Man!
4. Be open on "sexual" issues.
5. Be sure you can financially afford to embark upon this process.
6. Be prepared to make a trip.
7. Don't fall in love with a photograph.
8. Verify you are writing to a real woman who is genuinely interested in you.
9. Make sure there are true feelings, chemistry and love between you.
10. If the lady will not give you full contact details, move on.
11. Never send money to someone you've never met.
12. Follow your instincts, particularly when you see Red Flags. Know when to hold and know when to fold.
Should mention that I make reference to "RW" for two reasons. 1.) I do not want to falsely claim that these points are my own. 2.) Do not want to give the full name of the other website as an advertisement or endorsement.
I have always wondered what they mean by Be a Man. What the hell else would you be when you are looking for women. Does it mean only John Wyane need apply. iIt is a stupid comment. The rest always did make sense.
EVERY Russian woman I have ever met has made it clear that in some ways they desire a throw-back to the 1950's. They DO NOT want to have to guess which role is who's. And though they will cozy up to a nicey nicey guy - they are also likely to want to take him for all he is worth.
Remember - beautiful roses have thorns.
Group hugs are not the sort of thing that go over big in the Former Soviet Union.
A little comment to my post above. Russian women are INCREDIBLY adaptable. My first Russian girlfriend from Lithuania - was the typical wonderful Russian woman when I first met her. After intitially dating a lot to start with - I still went out with her a few times over the next four years. Today she is one of the biggest feminist man-haters I have ever met. I was AMAZED every few months when I saw her how her personality had changed.
Those of you who have GONE to the FSU know that women there traditionally expect you to take their arm when you walk down the street, and OF COURSE you open the door for them when being formal. This lady expected that as well at first.
The last time we dated she had a hissy-fit when I opened the car door for her "She told me that she was fully capable of doing it herseld - and if I thought she wasn't... blah blah blah (you get the picture).
This is interesting. Marina liked to hold hands a lot which was very nice. Also she was reasonable about the door chair thing. She forgave me when i forgot. I remember a biggie was going to the supermarket. It was VERY important that I carried the little plastic shopping bag. She seemed to completely understand that I was not used to the FSU little ways. Overall it wasn't that important. It was me she was interested in not if I psychically understood her way. I have never been much good at mind reading.
I still have no idea what is meant by a "real man". Does that mean that if you have emotions and feelings you are not a real man. Hardly a hippie group hug type bullshit deal. Personally I am just me take it or leave it. I will not pretend or pander. This is the deal, me, do you want it or don't you? 10 more around the corner.
One reason that I am especially glad to have my lady coming to the Us is that I WILL have the chance to show gher that I have a little more control over my world here than I had there. It was frustrating and irritating for both of us when I could not order from the menu, could not even find the bathroom sometimes (during one incident at a movie theater I could find no signs and was completely confounded at the lack as I tried to use explain to a tcket-taker what I was looking for. I DID manage to achieve my objective just as my lady also left the theater to come and investigate as I was taking so long - move was of course, dubed only in Russian so I wasn't missing anything anyway). Of course she always told the taxi driver where to go - something also not traditional. She has admitted on a few occassions that she has NEVER dated a guy who she had to do these thing for and in some ways - three solid weeks of thsi stuff coming all at once frustrated her. She said it was as if I was half "her guy" and half "A small child" whom she had to guide around.
I assured her that here in MY world I am as much in control as anyone (I stop short of being able to make it rain - or having powers of levitation - butyou get the idea). It will be a good change of pace for both of us.
You have much good experience jetmba, valuable experience. I hope you do not leave this forum.
I have dated a girl twice this year now and I might have done almost everything wrong. I have been childish playing with her son, forgot to open doors, told her that in my country the girl usually is the boss in a relationship, have not talked about sex, do not know is she really loves me.......
But I have given her gifts, money, gone shopping, danced with her, told her that I care about her a lot...told her that I want her to come to my country.
Unfortunately there are many years difference between us, and I am not sure if she will move abroad. Communication is at a primitive level as she is not very good in english and my russian really sucks.
...and I really wonder if I should ask her to marry me...do they expect us to do it just after a few meetings?
elman_thlr: Playing with a child isn't the same as "not being a man". What metters more is how you respond to her and the environment around you. They want a guy who can "protect them" (I hear that a lot.) They don't want a guy who is going to abuse them (who does?). They want a guy who can make decisions - but they will also find ways to influence those decisions - if you know what I mean.
About the sex thing - being open isn't all about talking. These women - when they decide that they are interested - tend to have less inhibitions than western women. It helps not to pry too much into the past or be too judgemental if she says something you do not want to hear. They come from a different world with different attitudes and if you pass judgement based on western values - you might be doing an injustice to her.
Most of us know too little about your situation to go beyond general guidance. While offering relationship advice can be tricky. Isn't it usually the case that other people just give you confirmation of something you already know?
Can't see you have done anything wrong after just two meetings. How many days in total have you spent with her? How well do you really know her? Can't be easy for you trying to find out about a person when language limitations restrict enquiry.
Do they expect a marriage proposal after just a few meetings? I don't think so. Why should they be any different to us in that regard. 'Marry in haste, repent at leisure'. FSU woman are savvy and the ones I met wanted to make the right choice too. If you wonder whether you should ask her, for me, the answer is no. When you go from 'wondering' to 'I can't live without her' then the decision is an easy one.
My personal view is that if you have any doubts at all, don't do it.
I would be careful that by spoiling her too soon you aren't buying her affection.. making it harder to assess the true nature of the relationship. If you have any doubts about her motives, I would try reining in the spending and see how she responds.
Perhaps you could take some of the recommendations here such as the 'Tablets Of Stone', and Toad's list, and sit down with an interpreter and go through it all with her. QC
Of particular concern, I have to admit, is your comment regarding giving her gifts and presents. If done in excess it can influence behavior in ways you don't want.
Remember "Fools rush in where wise men fear to tread."
Take it slow and easy and work on the communications thing.
You seem to have a lot of self-doubt as indicated from the whole of your letter. Remember, self-doubt is a normal part of the process such strong feelings are present. Its part of the assessment process. And it especially happens to a western man confounded by the attention of a wonderful FSU woman - after having been raised in the feminist culture of the west.
Best wishes, though, that things work out for you.
Thanks for advices. Sometimes it is good and smart to listen to people with experience in long-distant relationships like this.
I see that being generous can be both helpful and damaging. But it is only done out of concern for my girl and her little boy. It feels more comfortable knowing that she has a little extra. And I must stress that she has never asked me for anything.
I really like this girl, even just after spending the total of ten days with her. If I could decide I would have married her yesterday, like "a fool" rushing in. Reason is simple, I want to spend more time with her, all the time. Unfortunately, geography is a problem in this matter. I did however surprise her with an unexpected weekend trip, and we had some great days. BUT, it was heartbreaking to leave her after only 2 days. The reason for marry her would of course be out of love, and besides, that is in my view the best way to spend time together with her. To travel twice a year for a visit, send letters and phone her will not accelerate the process of getting to know each other. It would create some sort of a relationship, but it sounds and feel like a slow process compared to live with each other.
I am going back in late August and I ask myself every day if I should go for the big one, but on the other hand am I afraid to ruin something if she just need more time than I do. Perhaps it is better to be careful at this stage and ask if she believe in a future with me...
One practical question: If you ask a woman from FSU to marry you, is it like back home with a "short" engagement period with engagement rings?
it is my understanding for most of us, asking her to marry and her acceptance is the beginning of the fiance application process and the marriage will not usually occur until she has moved to your country. In USA, we have 90 days after she has arrived to tie the knot. So if you make the jump and ask, then you have the 4-12 months to get the applications approved plus nearly 90 days after she moves to USA to get married. Truly, if you need a traditional dating with months of getting to know each other and living together, then most likely FSU ladies would not be your best option-unless you can go live with her.
The following is VERY well said jetmba and completly correct !!!!!
These women - when they decide that they are interested - tend to have less inhibitions than western women. It helps not to pry too much into the past or be too judgemental if she says something you do not want to hear. They come from a different world with different attitudes and if you pass judgement based on western values - you might be doing an injustice to her.