Folks, get a hold of friends or a friend of a friend who has already married a RUW. I would like to hear about their experiences of life after marriage. What kinds of stresses did a language barrier have (if it was existent). What did the wife do with herself after she came over? What were some of her experiences adjusting to her new surroundings? Success stories, failures, still struggling. Advice on avoiding common mistakes. Whatever...
Olga, do you still keep in touch with clients who have married off someplace? Maybe you could contact some and see if they're willing to share about their experiences. I'm curious to know of the unique, real life challenges that these relationships face and how they're coping with it.
I think if someone expects to just ride off into the sunset with their new bride and live happily ever after is not dealing with reality. Maybe I'm wrong and someone is living happily ever after because of how they choose to deal with things.
In fact we try to keep in touch with those people. Thats really difficult because usually people report about happy stories, mainly thet say "thanks a lot, we are having our wedding soon and etc." After that they disappear. They also dont report us on their problems.When we were changing the site design this year, we e-mailed our old customers, asking them to share thir stories, but there were just few replies, with thanks, everything is fine and a few messages like I give up on this thing long ago.No comments.
In fact our site operates mainly like e-mail bridge between different agencies and our customers.They plave their onformaton on this site, we promote it, provide mailforwarding service. After the man picks up a girl he usually communicates with her directly or via her local agency.Thats why its hard to keep track of all those cases.There are a few places on the net where you can find lots of real stories about intercultural marriages and where people tell about their experiences and if you are interested e-mail me and I'll inform you where to look for those.
This is a post by Russian girl on "Russian Women Abroad" website I have mentioned before...
I have been living in US almost 3 years and reason for this is my husband! I can tell that WE ARE HAPPY in our marriage and I don't want back any day from the past. I had good life back home: my wonderful parents (whom I miss dearly), my all friends, my University ( I didn't finished last grade because I left the country), my job which I really liked, but I never felt so good and so loved with anybody in my past relationship as with my husband. All of them were crazy about me but none of them could really love and appreciate me. I can't tell that everything was so easy : change country, left all life behind me and started from the beginning...
Going to America was tough decision in my life. I knew it was be hard time to be in different country but you never knew exactly what you could feel inside. First couple years were REALLY HARD... I missed my family, friends, my city and everything what I liked. I was depressed too like many of us, didn't like certain things here even tried to criticize, I got bored and had some disappointment. I didn't like to depend so much on my husband, couldn't communicate with people because my English wasn't good enough and felt like you are not belong to this country what messed up everything inside me.
From the beginning we based our relationship on respect, love and to be honest with each other. And I think I did my best to understand feelings of my husband about this COUNTRY which is HIS MOTHERLAND and where I (we all) came to have happy family. I still don't accept some certain things here ( which you can find in any country if you move) but I like much more about this GREAT country since I start speak well, travel, learn about many things, have wonderful American people around me and friends.
My nostalgia was gone when I got busy, found something to do and realized my perspective in this country. We are all different and each of us has own story about life here (there, wherever...).Some of them are sad or scary ...another are happy or satisfied but some kind of stories sound so whining...It seems like women (girls) came here and expect that somebody HAVE to make them happy without their tries. Like these kind of persons can't be happy in any country with anybody. NOBODY push you to come and live in this country, just look inside yourself : what did you really want when you moved here?
And one more thing...once I saw T-shirt on the man where said (in front): " WELCOME TO AMERICA....on back: NOW SPEAK ENGLISH."
Anonymous
here have been a lot of comments about RW looking for a way out...here are some posts on the same website... about what RW living abroad think about returning to Russia...
"I would return to Russia if:
Our relationship with my husband does not work out to the extent when I could not bear it;
I would meet ethereal love in Russia, which would overwhelm everything – family, material prosperity, stability (which seems unreal, and even hardly possible in theory). The main – if I would feel that my child feel badly in America. On the present moment, it sounds unreal to hope on the economy boost and miraculous transitions of state apparatus into community of honest citizens who ready to sacrifice “the last penny for the needs of poor Russians…”
E.
"I need nothing from that country… Because, how it’s better to say, an attitude… When you got shit all over you, (from the very “heart”) you would wish not to know this and don’t be the part of it."
Karina
"Last summer I went to Russia to visit my family. First time for 2 years. Before going there I was thinking if I would wish to stay in Russia, or not. My mom concerns that I am so far away, and she would be very happy if we’d return… I love my parents, and, sometimes, I feel very guilty that I left them. I am afraid that this feeling will never disappear. But, girls, it became even more impossible to live there. And there is no future neither for me nor for my child, as well as for many of my friends. The bitterest thing that there is no hope… Here everyone may have stability, hope and future. Life here is like a new, and thus, interesting, book… And in Russia everything is clear for the next 100 years and every day confirms this…"
Irina
"I would return to Russia, if my husband or me were offered a good job in the foreign company. I know how expats live in Russia, and this idea attracts me a lot. As far as I understand, by this poll we are not offered to live in one-room apartment in the distant area of the city and finish life as “Russian poor babushka”. As for the rest, I like the quality of good housing in Russia better than “cards homes” in America. We have good shops, even McDonalds! We have wonderful schools… Medicine… Here, I have been waiting for doctor’s appointment for a week with the high temperature; in Russia I would see doctor in an hour! Also, it was a discussion about discrimination at this forum… It’s unreal for me to achieve here, in the United States, what I had in my previous life. I loved my job, and everything was MINE there… I’d prefer to keep my money in American bank though! But to pay taxes n Russia...Well, I would go back right away! My husband also says: “I would go to Russian to work easily!” But nobody offers him job in Russia yet."
LVM
"The only reason that keeps me here, in America, is my husband. My home is (and always will be) in Russia. I know that it is easier and more comfortable to live in many foreign countries, but I have a feeling that here is everything is “artificial”, like the heroes of their soup operas… It looks like everyone plays his part even when they communicate inside their families. I tired to live without sincere communication, without laugh “from the heart”, tired from their reasonability and calculating in everything. Of course, it is a dream, but if we would have an opportunity to have independent business (on-line, for example) or we would get the inheritance, I would move with my family to Russia right away! I know, not everything is sweet in Russia, but at least, it’s all mine!"
Natasha
"As my friend told me, “on the second year abroad you forget all nightmares of Russia and nostalgia starts…” I miss my friends, and economical difficulties do not scare anymore. Conveniences are good, but you get accustomed to them very soon… But criminal situation in Russia… For 4 years living abroad I have been calling home and always heard something awful: either neighbors were bitten and robbed, or kiosk was burnt by the mafia… And police does not even bother… No, it’s dangerous to go back. How one may raise their children there?"
"My house is here, where my husband and children, where I live without locking the front door, if somebody comes in without asking, it will be neighbor’s daughter or their cat… Where I don’t need to prepare myself before going shopping fearing that I will be insulted there… I won’t go to live to Russia, even if I won the lottery. Better, to France!"
Lenochka
"I agree that it is dangerous to rise boys in Russia and prepare him to the next war for somebody’s interests.."
Nataliya
"I agree with Lenochka… about cat, and shop, and army… thank you"
Eva
"I would agree in something with Natasha. I am here also because of my husband and son, who is 14 now and he loves it here. And most importantly, he does not need to go to army. Besides these reasons, I would rush back, home, where are my parents, friends, which I lack so much here. I agree with you Natasha, Americans don’t seem natural, not everybody, but the majority. I have a feeling that everything is strange here, people reserved and boring… Though we have a wonderful family with my husband and son, we bought a house recently; I would never afford all this in Ukraine. I have been here for 3 years but have such boredom on my heart missing Odessa. When I remember its beautiful streets, I breathe there better in spite of economical difficulties. I don’t see a way out – I can’t get accustomed here, but cannot go back…"
Tanya
"I would go back with pleasure to Petersburg. I cannot complain on my life there. I felt wonderful there and I had everything. I came here – and I lost everything, I don’t have even a half of what I had before in Russia…"
Kat
"I am also from Petersburg… My life was good there. I traveled around Russia and even went often abroad for summer vacations.
«I married a man with two daughters and lots of debts (I found out about debts just before the wedding). It happened 3 years ago.
The hardest part was to get used to be in debt all the time and to get fluent in English. Now everything is pretty good. My husband and I are in love with each other and are able to deal with any difficulties. His patience and love helped us to become even closer to each other. He accepts my culture and traditions and we are able to find compromises. I only miss my parents and my sister, but I see my future in this country. In Russia I had to live in a dorm for 9 years. I had a good job, but it started to get worse there soon after I left. Here I had a problem with job. I had to start from the "bottom" as a nursing aid (I am an electronics engineer). But in half year I already was a clerk and in another half year I became a manager. I was able to prove that my education in Russia is not just a piece of paper. I'm happy that this country gives more opportunities and a more secure future. Now I'm staying at home with my little son Alexander. He brightens everything.
I have many Russian friends, although I don't get to see them as often as I want to. But if something bad will happen, I'm sure they'll support me.
My husband's family accepted me very well. And now even one of my brothers-in-law is thinking to find a wife abroad, because he sees our example.
I think I made the best choice. I'm happy here.»
Tatyana
" I really do like it here - wonderful family, interesting job, lots of opportunities... why would not I? When I was living in Russia I was making good money. I worked for US company, traveled abroad, had my own apartment, etc. When I went back this June after living in US for almost three years, I also saw that with my education and language skills I would be able to find a good job. The only thing, which I could not find in Russia, was the man I want to be with. I found my true love and my other half here, so for me it was just my destiny. I also have an attitude that I don't expect anybody else to make me happy. Of course, I do have moments when I miss my family, miss my parents but not to extend to get depressed about it - I am too busy for it :) I understand that at some point of life I would have moved away from my parents anyways and yes, I moved to another country, but distance does not matter. You can be living with your parents in the same town and don't have understanding and love. I want to share something else with you as well. I was writing to another guy who is looking for a wife in FSU and he asks me a lot of questions about adjusting to life in USA and here is what I wrote him: "The more we live together and closer we get, more I understand that all the cultural differences people talk about are not the biggest issue. It's all about two people - being in love and being compatible, able to learn and being flexible. Everything else is secondary. But, it's just my opinion. Most of the problems I see here with other couples - it's just two different people living under one roof (I am sure you can see it in American couples as well) - she is a party girl, he likes to spend time at home; she is independent and entrepreneurial, he is control-freak and so on. I don't think in some of the cases relationship would work out just because of this." And in many cases it depends on how willing the girl is to learn language, overcome any "self-esteem" problems and start driving, looking for job, being active in her own life. Because, no matter how much someone try to make HER happy, only she knows what true happiness means for her - for someone it might be enough to sit at home and cook dinners, somebody else needs to achieve something professionally, socially, etc."
Elena, Seattle
"Dear Natasha!
I must say that I had quite a smooth transition when I moved to the US. My husband was born in England and also immigrated to the US 8 years before I did, so he knew what I was going through. When I came here I left behind all my family and friends, my university where I was working on my degree in English. But I didn't feel lonely because I had a great guy by me all the time. Of course I felt home sick, so we went back to see my family as soon as we could. I made a lot of American girl-friends here, I know that it's not the same kind of friendship, but it's still a very good friendship. We go out to lunch and chat about kids, love, married life-the usual things. I accomplished a lot of things here: I got my degree and have a nice job as Russian-English translator, I became a very good driver after 6 years of practice, and most of all, I have my very loving husband of 7 years and now 2 little additions to our family, our 2 daughters, born in 96 and 99. I guess, determination got me where I am today. And love, definitely!"
Lena
"I came to the U.S. from Riga/Russia, because I married an American. My husband is of Latvian descent, who was born in Michigan. In our family we mostly speak Latvinian, so my English is not progressing too much! We live in a small town, and, of course, it is very difficult for me to get used (after living in Riga). I have been in the U.S. almost a year but still cannot get accustomed to this new life. I experience the same problems as other women, which I have read at Natasha's site: lack of communication, loneliness without my mother, sister and friends who live in Riga. I also miss my city a lot. Sometimes I want to go back. I had a wonderful job in Riga - an artist at the animation studio. I had a very busy and eventful life. But I love my husband very much and it keeps me here, in America. When I found your site and read what you and other women think regarding this subject, I came down a little. May be it is true: time and patience will work things out and everything will be fine..."
Marina