I'll start by saying this is not about a scam, dishonest girls, gold diggers or anything like that. But I learned a new lesson the hard way which left me (and I believe her too) with a broken heart after a wonderfull 14 months in which we thought we will spend the rest of our lives together.
My good advice is: make sure that the girl is sure she can relocate. Bring her over as soon as possible and preferable a few times, so you can see how she can adapt to the new country.
I met my girl like 14 times in Ukraine, we went to Egypt, Prague for vacation. Then in September she came to EU for 5 weeks. She lived with me, leaving her 2 kids at her parents. The first week she was a bit strange, adapting to the new environment. Then everything went perfect. I can honestly say, the most beautifull weeks in my life. She went back, we met again in Kiev, like usual we spoke every evening using Skype, sending sms messages a few times a day.
We already were planning for a few months, her moving to here in the summer of 2008. Then we agreed she would come to me again, with her kids, for 2 weeks, to spend the new year together and go all like a family on a ski vacation. And after a few days after arrival I started to feel something is not 100%. We had long talks, tears and all...I thought things were solved, like the last time she was here. Kids had a great time, all seemed ok, but I felt there was something...and I was right...in the morning I drove them to the airport, we said bye, hugging and crying...we talked the same day, all seemed ok, in the evening I received an sms that she arrived home and all was ok...the next day however, I received an email that she felt terrible, she does not know what happens to her...I called her, she sounded terrible, crying, she said she loves me with all her heart but there is something and she does not know what it is. After talking and talking I found out she did not feel right this time in EU, not home like the last time. I asked if it's the kids: no, they were fine. It's her, she does not know if she is able to move and start a new life. She was ready to do this, but now this came very close, she got very scared and uncertain, eventhough she says she loves me still like crazy. She asked me to please not brake up with her but give her some time to think. To leave her alone for a few days so she can think what is wrong etc. I agreed to this and said I will respect this, but I know where this will end. She is just a very homey, traditional girl and she missed home while here, which scared the hell out of her and now she does not know if she can leave Ukraine.
It hurts like hell, because she is a wonderfull person and I really thought we will be together soon. Guess not, but such is live. I don't know if I will start all over again in FSU, probably yes, after it stops hurting, but this time I will be very wary to find out if she CAN relocate, not wether she THINKS she can.
Like said, this is not to discourage you guys, but just to make you aware of this fact. I spent the best time of my life with her, and it hurts like hell to face the break up. Just want to spare you the same pain I'm having now. Make sure she can relocate before you commit your heart.
I would suggest not to stray too far away. She is going through some difficult times. Perhaps so far this has been like a fairy tale to her but now the realization has come face to face as to what she is leaving behind.
Women are different than men. Men need time alone to think. Women need their loved one beside them for support. If she truly has deep feelings for you she needs that support more than ever right now. Stay completely away from the subject of relocating and whatever you do don"t push that issue. But you should know what makes her happy now. Do some extra special surprises for her like flowers. Show her that you love her even if it will never work to have her.
If you do not want to lose her change your attitude. Be the alpha male keep confidence in your voice but let her spend her time thinking while you enjoy each others company. It sounds as if you have invested a lot of feelings in this relationship. Play it on out. Do not admit defeat yet.
Nice story Thomas......really makes you wonder a bit. Maybe your girl needs to realize that you will be moving on with your own life, at that point, she needs to make a decision. My feeling has always been, if you have to think about it....the answer is really no, as heartbreaking as that is, actions do speak louder than words.FGood luck, Thomas!!!
I always have conversations with girls about what their feeling are about moving to another country to start a new life. Best answer I get( which I want to hear)is they will go wherever their man is. If they say they CAN go to another country, chances are they are unsure. I do have a girl now that tells me she has dreamed of going to US since she was a child, even to the point of applying to get a visa, after getting told 'no', she tells them...'I'll be back' :)))))
Thanks for your advice.
You both have good points.
Oz: as much as I would like to talk to her and talk this out, she asked me to let her think for a while, cause she does not understand what is happening. So, I'll respect this and will not search contact.
beemer18: deep in my heart I know you're right. If they have to think, it means they are unsure about their love or commitment. And yes, it is heartbreaking.
And this is how I now start to think. Yes, she has now time to think, but eventhough she would come back with an answer that she wants to continue (chances are small), I don't know what my position on this would be. If she is so uncertain now (mainly cause she worries about her kids I think) I would be too afraid for problems that may occur if she would already be here. So, as I said, eitherway this story is finished but I'm kicking myself for not having seen the signs (which were there) much sooner and save myself this painfull period now.
Thomas,
good luck friend. This is a difficult decision for these ladies. Ride it out for a few weeks. You have a lot of time invested in this, it just may be worth waiting a few more weeks to see how she decides. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
We all must remember one thing and it is the most difficult part of journey. Most of these ladies are going to leave everything they have known all their lives, friends,family, language and customs. To be with us. This was the difficult decision for my wife. Just put yourself in those shoes. Your whole connnection to your lifestyle is going to be cut off, you will be alone and dependent on one person for everything. Also get used to being told that everything is done better in Ukraine LOL! At least in my situation.
Also you must accept the responsibility to do everything for her(them) when they arrive. That alone is sometimes an awesome responsibility until they become acclimated with life in their new homes.
I'm an eternal optimist Thomas, I think you will be OK in the long run, My father always told me the truly great things in life take a long time to come to fruition. I wish you the best!!!
Something to think about when a person is searching for that special someone is try and put yourself in their shoes. Two years ago when I decided it was time for me again after a divorce 8 years ago, I started to search for my treasure, I had no idea where it would lead. Somehow I began communcating with women from overseas. I found it challenging and at the same time interesting to learn about people and cultures from other countries.
Thomas, I feel your pain. Good things in life do take time and often, hard work. There is another thing. I try to think about how I would feel if I wore another persons shoes. A year ago, I could not have imagined living in a foreign country for a woman. I am California, born and raised for 54 years. But? What about compromise? I know the value of this word. Why not live in the Ukraine part of the year with your best friend and the kids? I know it is not easy. The other part of this is, how will you feel and think when you look back and ask yourself, what part of my life would I or could I have changed? I hope it won't be your thoughts about the woman you lost because of a physical distance.
Many people throughout the ages have made life changing decisions for the one they love. She was willing to move to your country for you.
Another thought is, How is it possible to find true love between two people more than once in a lifetime.
I am living in Nikolaev now and will continue to stay here for a few more months. I came here for my sweetheart. She is a beautiful loving caring woman I could not imagine losing her because we lived so far apart. I feel very blessed she found me.
I agree Thomas do not try to talk this situation out at this time. She has ask for time to think about it. And of course allow her this. Let her bring this subject up when she is ready. But ask her if you can continue to be beside her and be her friend as she goes through this.
It is up to you but if I was serious about this lady I would send her some flowers with a note saying something like: I know this is a very difficult time for you and you need some time to think. But I miss you very much and want to stay close to you and be beside you as you go through this. I will respect your wishes not to discuss this issue until you are ready and bring it up. No matter what you decide I want to know the truth and respect your decision.
I am guessing right now she is torn in half between you and her mother country and there is a difference between supporting her and hounding her for a decision.
You almost can completely open your heart to an FSU woman until she gets to the altar. It's not a done deal until it's a done deal. Hang in there Thomas.