Hi all, I am new here. A bit of history about me. I am on round #2 with RW. I was married from 2000 to 2008 to a RW from Ukraine and have been there 3x and was in fact married there on my first trip. The marriage ended on a good note (just not right) and we are still friends but I have begun my search again.
So here's where I am at - I started to look for a new RW in April. I contacted a bunch of women on EM and through the weeding out process I started to focus on a couple of women who interested me the most. As it happened I ended up chatting only with one woman and let the rest go (we are talking 2 or 3 other women at this point). I was having direct contact with all of these women by email - no agency was involved. So I went "exclusive" with her about 1.5 months ago, with me thinking she is just right and that I am more of a WOVO type anyways (a WOVO resulted in my first marriage to a RW many years ago).
She has a fierce jealous streak in her. She asked me several times in the beginning if I am chatting with other women and also if I would mention that I was seeing my ex for whatever reason she got upset about it. This is natural and I do not blame her for it. She was pretty firm that if I wanted to be with her I can't be chatting with others.
So fast-forward to where I am today and the reason for this post. We chatted on Skype for about a month before I made the first phone call. I wanted to call sooner but she always said she was afraid for me to call and that she was nervous about her English ability (which in fact is pretty good).
We had lots of long on-line chats - hours on end - but I started to get the impression that these were pretty one-sided conversations. Her answers are pretty brief and lacking in much detail or thought. At times it felt that I was having a conversation with myself.
So I decided to call her and we have chatted a few times on the phone. These calls are the same thing - I feel like I am having a conversation with myself! I ask all the questions, she gives very brief answers, giggles a bit and then I have to ask another question to kill the silence. I get the feeling that if I did not ask another question she would just let the silence run on and on. I thought conversations were supposed to be two way deals! It is so akwards that the calls are only a few minutes long and I find a reason to have to end the call. And also its usually late there and she is preparing to go to sleep (14 hour time difference).
It has gotten to the point that we are not chatting on Skype anymore (because we have moved onto phone calls at my choosing) but I am afraid to call to have another akward one-way conversation with her. I am really trying hard here to have a good long conversation with her but it is just not working. I am quite chatty and when I was recently dating a local woman our first phone call was about 5 hours so I don't think it is me that is the problem here....
So I am in kind of a bind. I am not sure about what is the problem. There could be a few things at play here:
1) She is just really shy (which she says she is) and is too nervous to chat with me (she has a lot of nervous-type laughter when she talks)
2) She is not into me at this point
I have no idea which is the correct answer!
I am not sure what to do at this point and that's why I'm looking for advice. I am not really willing to do an expensive WOVO trip into the middle of nowhere in Russia to meet a woman who I cannot even have a decent conversation with beforehand. Yes she is attractive and has a sexy voice but that's just not enough. She said all the right things in our on-line chats at the start but now I just don't know anymore..
If I go there to meet her and this continues in real life it will be a disaster for sure. It could just be that she likes me but cannot show it, is shy or just not a lively, full-of-life kind of person.
I have 2 choices at this point:
A) Just continue on with her and hope for the best and PRAY that in person things are better (I am going over to FSU in September).
or
B) Start chatting with other women and see what happens. If I tell her this it would be game over. I could do this without telling her but I would feel like a totall snake for doing it.
A is the easy choice at this point. B is hard, very hard, especially if I have to tell her that it is not going well between us and I want to communicate with others...
By the way I am in my late 30's and the women I am chatting with is in her late 20's and has a child.
Also lately I send her a text message at 8:30PM her time and ask if she wants to ICQ chat or for me to call and usually she says she is about to go to bed. But she always says it nicely and give me "xoxoxo" (kisses and hugs - which I taught her!). This just adds to my confusion about this woman!
Thanks in advance for the advice. I will read it all with interest.
Well if the two of you haven't met then you need to realise that you are a stranger calling her and of course she feels awkward and to chat for 5 hours in a single call is 'odd' to say the least.
Once two people know each other, they understand each others personalities, they know of each others families and friends etc., they have plenty to talk about, then an hour (ish) on the phone might be normal but you're a stranger and how much do you expect a lady to divulge bearing in mind that 95% of letter writing men are 'jokers' and she's probably been 'joked' on times previously hence her questioning of you, regarding other ladies, to establish if you are one of those jokers or not.
When you say chatting on Skype do you mean text chatting or webcam chatting?
I think the answer is webcam chatting. Do you both have a webcam? I'd say you should and then you can see each other.
What is her English ability. My Alla had two years of English classes and she thought she was fairly well versed but our first few phone calls were disasters. She couldn't understand my American pronunciation; she was taught by teachers who had accents. We now can talk for hours and of course her English knowledge is now being let loose.
What is the nature of your chatting or emails? Does she answer your questions? Do you tell each other you love the other? Has she sent you pictures of her in everyday situations? Do you know all about her? What she likes and dislikes? Everything?
You said "I started to look for a new RW in April" It is only now June. How often do you contact each other? According to all the information you have about her, might she be the one?
If so, then continue on. Your relationship is still in the begining.
I my case, I chatted with a number of women for about a month and then whittled that down to a handful whom I chatted with for another month. Then my Alla and I simultaneously and unknowingly told each other that we were attracted to each other and that we should meet. Then we began an exclusive relationship and made plans to meet. Two months later we met in Kiev, this last February. We video Skype almost every day, call on the phone every day at least twice, and email in between with lots of photos going both ways.
Going to bed at around 830 sounds reasonable also. Does she work? Try to plan the calls for the best time, especially since she has the child to attend to. How old is the kid?
1) That she doesn't ask you much about yourself is discouraging, but not conclusive.
2) Try to imagine making small talk in a foreign language!
3) I have had a couple of non-sexual relationships with women in Ukraine (both spoke English really well), where we would talk very freely during my visits, but the long-distance communication was quite small and stilted.
4) If her child is small, it may be that they share the bed, and it is most convenient to go to sleep at the kid's bedtime.
If it were me, and I was really interested in this gal, I would NOT start communicating with others - I'd book the flight and make the first meeting. Hopefully, things would get a lot clearer.
Excuse me, you have never met her, and you would feel 'snakey' about chatting with other girls?
thats just wierd. its like a elementary school mentality. or something. russian dating is a vultures nest and your mentality is like a baby chick.
you say your really chatty, right? probably you should try to find someone who can keep up with you. communication is important to you and probably you will find 'shy' girls boring. if not now, then eventually. there is a chance she just doesn't feel comfortable talking in english. very few russian girls do. whatever you do though, don't learn russian. if a girl isn't serious about learning english, do you think she is serious about leaving her country?
Hi Phil, a few more details: Her son is 4, she is an English intructor at a college. We have not chatted on video Skype as neiither I nor her has a webcam yet. We just use Skype on-line chat. I have a few pics of her but since she doesn't have a camera yet that's all I have. I did mail her an old digital camera of mine. Once she gets it I hope she will send me some more pictures of her daily life. Part of the problem is that she might be having a hard time understanding me on the phone as she is always asking "What was that?". I am using a headset which I find strange to talk into so I have just bought on line a Skype handset. Hopefully that will be a more comfortable way to chat for both of us.
I am already itching to see who else is out there and am really trying to not do it until I am a little more clear about this woman.
The problem is that time is ticking. If I am going to try to establish a connection with someone else I need to do it soon as I plan to go over in September to meet just 1 woman (whoever it might be) and I think that the next 3 months are crucial to get a high comfort level with my top lady. So far my top choice is starting to crumble before my eyes.
"The kingdom of heaven is like a net that was let down into the lake and caught all kinds of fish."
Don't ask us, ask her why her answers are short. Ask her directly. As you said, time is short...
If she has a 4 year old kid; could be she is living with parents and the kid is sleeping in the same room she is chatting to you in....or her parents are around and she feels a bit self concious.
I've found that speaking face to face is a whole different ball game to speaking on the phone. Like durak's 3rd point.
Even women who speak good English can give you a long "uhhuuh" and you know they aren't understanding what you're saying, aren't interested, but don't want you to know it in case you try to repeat it cos she's not really interested.
If she's not asking you questions maybe she knows she won't understand the answer.
Hold out for the camera (should have sent a webcam too but never mind) and get those photos.
Only you can be the judge of whether or not to move on at some time in the future.