A little sad to see mini-cooper going off on a series of rants at Julian. Damned uncalled for, seems to me. But, I'm new here, so should ask. Is this typical on these forums? Or are they actually friendly, and just slap each other around sometimes for kicks and giggles? :)
I've got a couple of thoughts to share for general perspective. Call it my POV from years of experience... maybe it'll be of use to someone.
When people get trapped into the cycle of jealousy, despair and confusion, going round and round like Colin has... they end up focusing all their energy on the "Drama" and none of it on growing, restoring, or nurturing a healthy relationship. The fact is, we become our worst selves, with the worst sides of our nature on full display. When we're like that, we're "Ugly" not "Attractive"...
It's almost as if one simply "ceases to be" the man that attracted the lady to begin with. So if the relationship is suffering, or is up in the air, instead of getting all heavy and constantly dramatic (and a raging ball of insecurity), you need to pull the plug on that heavy crap and revisit the "you" that first put a smile on her face, made her consider you "for life", and all that...
It's a simple fact. Women are not generally attracted to that kind of insecurity, uncertainty, and drama... and especially not in a relationship! e.g. if you're that insecure about HER you are not confident enough to protect your mutual "nest"...
If they're already beginning to pull away, the constant drumbeat of drama will only drive them further. Instead of discussing "The lack of sex" to death, start behaving in ways that make you sexy in her eyes.... find out what turns her on, and encourage those feelings.. if she's being made to laugh often, and feels adored it'll almost always rekindle those feelings. You don't waste any effort on rehashing the drama... you behave confidently. Unconcerned with that, because you know you're "her man"... I promise that attitude will give her pause!
And you do this not through words, but through actions. It isn't about "gifting", it's about all the little things.... you KNOW what I"m talking about. A few examples... Like the mid-day phone call to her to say "I couldn't stop thinking about you and had to call to say I love you", then rushing home later to be with her... finding the ways to make her laugh, because you love to hear her laugh... her happiness is yours. Don't say it, SHOW it... or a surprise dinner out, or when she catches you just watching her, and she sees the adoring sparkle in your eye...
Those little things add up. They tell her she wants to be with you. They endear you to her.
Compare to the opposite: constant, heavy drama.... no-one wants to live with that, right?
If she has come to a point where she's considering alternatives, if you really want to keep her, your response should be to subtly start romancing her properly. More like the kinds of things I mentioned above. Remind her how you feel, and help to remind her how she felt... with your actions, sweet and consistent. Reinforce her decision to be with you without ever talking about it. Certainty sometimes needs occasional reinforcement. If we just blow out and get ugly, it's exactly the opposite of what's needed. You probably never once have to address the "issues". Just change her mind......... she won't even know what hit her. :)
If all of those endearing things have gone completely missing in your day-to-day relationship, because you're a puddle of constant despair and anxiety, how can you expect her "certainty" to be restored or reinforced?
You need to be a man, strong but flexible. She has to know that you'll do anything for her, but it isn't "anything goes". Sometimes, it helps NOT to have a discussion about it. You simply state firmly, "No. That isn't acceptable." And walk away from it. No discussion! It's clear enough, reasons and consequences don't need to be discussed. You aren't cruel, "dominant" or forceful. Just firm and clear.
She will likely admire your clarity, guidance and strength. And find it quite sexy in fact! :)
Because in my experience, there is a common thread among women of any culture (that still has clear male/female roles, anyway)... they will actually react (or judge you) less by how you behave in general... and much more on how you RESPOND to things, especially to "crises"... they will also test you in ways that seem in complete opposition to how they feel for you. They are testing your response. A firm, gentle hand, from a place of obvious love and respect? It's a winning response every time.....
In the end, women need to feel safe. Safe from the world, and secure within yours. THey WILL look for alternatives if they don't feel so. Few women are "stepping stone" types... they just want security.
If you're steady on, they'll feel good and stick by you. If you go off in a panic, do a total meltdown, they're left asking "who's going to take care of me??" They'll eventually start looking for "someone"... that's for sure...
OK... I think my point's well made and I won't flog it further. Hope someone gets a bit of good from all this blather! :)
You sure know a lot about women and relationships... please, enlighten us simple folk here on how you became so experienced so we can follow in your footsteps <smile>.
Everybody who disagrees with Mini Cooper is the same person. Whether it be you, or Julian, or me (though I haven't commented to him in months) or "Andrew" who had a go at him years ago. Mini Cooper has the paranoid notion that the world is out to get him and that that same world is comprised of just one person, under various names.
Just blow him off. That will satisfy his fantasy anyway.
I don't know you, and I don't know what kind of aggressive fire you've got lit up under your butt... but now you're projecting foolishly and showing yourself as a crass and uncivil person at the same time.
I read your multi-post tirade aimed at "Julian"... chose to ignore it, because I'm a fresh face here (I considered asking if that kind of thing is typical here).
Now you want to drag me into your personal feud? Sorry mate, I'm not going there.
I'm a newcomer to Fiance.com and to this forum. The simple fact that you think I'm someone else, tells me you're attaching an unhealthy level of obsession/projection to your problems with the guy. I'd maybe start by looking inward to see what's amiss... :)
Now, you don't have to agree with my perspectives... you can call it trash or whatever you like. If you've rejected it all out of hand cos you think I'm someone else? Well, that's fairly ridiculous isn't it.
I'll end with this. You've had your dig. You're welcome to disagree with me anytime, in a civil manner. I won't presume I'm always right about anything.
But this nonsense stops here. I won't countenance uncivil, ridiculous aggression from someone I don't know and have never spoken to before. Call me old school, but I'm too old for that nonsense!!
Well, I don't mind tossing out a few more words about myself if it'll get Mr. Bean's car off my back...
I'm an American, 52 years old... live in the states, but have lived half my adult life abroad in Europe and Asia... call me a serial "expat"... :)
Been married/divorced a couple of times. Including once to a Japanese woman.
I guess I do know a lot about women and relationships... human nature in general. It's part to do with my work...
I'd love to wish my life on you, Mini Cooper.... a great deal of what I know came through painful learning experiences. I'm lucky to have come through a lot of it without a thick layer of cynicism and bitterness... Fortunately I recognized that I shared in the human shortcomings that led to failure. One hopes I'll have learned a few things I can apply toward more success next time around.... :)
I've been back in the states about 3 years (after 12 years in japan, and 1.5 years in Europe prior), and not getting on at all with the "modern American woman". I've always preferred the European/Eastern European cultural mindsets... I'm a bit old fashioned, believe in male/female "role based" relations.. entirely equal, just *different* roles...
So, I've cast my lot in with the FSU crowd... :)
I'm not looking to party with an endless procession of hot babes. Just looking to find a sweet heart and a (remaining) lifetime of mutual nurture... not asking for too much is it? :)
Hopefully, I can regularly give and get advice here on the forums.. I'm sure I'l be needing some along the way.
shes gone now she didnt want to go and i didnt want her to go either ,she had a id card here for work
and asked me for it but I wouldnt I dont think she deserved it since she wasnt honest with me. She didnt want to go not because of me but because she was having such a good time here i looked after her very well and brought her out and travelled ,she really didnt want to go but she admitted not me, she would miss me as a friend, my visa disappeared the other night and maybe 100 euros in cash, I may have lost it but I dont think so. Ive got a lot of pms here over last few days and cant believe how many people are in the same situation as I am now. They dont want to post about it ,please be careful everyone and cover yourself
Tridant, it is not what she likes about him that needs to be worked on. It is what she does not not like about him. I want to know because I want to avoid it, if I can. It's too late for Colin, but not too late for the rest of us. Stupid is just an opinion anyway. I still want to know.
How about it, Colin? If you didn't ask her perhaps she already told you? Also, exactly how many people are in your exact situation?
about 6 guys on the forum alone pmed me me with same thing ,happening to them
one guy came home she was just gone no reason left fridge full of food gone.
I went through her emails she was on alot of sites bride.ru and some free site as well. Alot of guys emailing her , I think the situation of meeting these girls like this is crazy better to
go live there if u can for a while and get one pregant maybe then ud have a chance ,bring them over marry u chances are they will screw u over.
A friend in my own town same thing happened she got citizenship after 3 years then she was gone up till then great sex whole lot, he worked 2 jobs keep her in style she went home for holiday came back and gone.
There you have it guys. While we are here laughing and calling each other names, there are guys here waiting to tell their story, but doesn't want to be ridiculed.
Well Colin didn't say they refrained from posting for fear of being ridiculed, after all, Colin has posted without ridicule, probably they refrained from posting for fear of publicising a failed relationship, that they had been 'had'.
But reading about mini cooper spunking off in to a lady's mouth did become far more interesting, interesting because no self respecting guy would ever post anything like that on a public forum!
Martin it was constructive, now look who ruined it, the hypocrites and the idiot who can't spell and posts under various names. The ones who whine and cry when others are having a dispute.
So Martin, you are saying that being ridiculed is alright to people and would not keep them from posting their story? I have said in the past that I had similar PM's in the past and being ridiculed is a big part of them not telling their story.
Nasfan, you are right, there are hypocrites who have ruined this thread. Don't forget to count yourself and also me for responding to you.
You are starting another bitch session here. Take it to PM like you said in the other thread, and quit telling people they are hypocrites. Look in the mirror.