Several men are in a locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only 4,500. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw their new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ...... the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking 1,450,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 1,300,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"
A lawyer and his neighbour who was from Czechoslovakia went deer-hunting. Unfortunately they met a grizzly (also deer-hunting). The lawyer escaped. When he returned with a ranger they found a couple of bears. The lawyer was sure it was the bigger one, the male, that ate his neighbour. They shot the bear. But when they cut it open they found no trace of human remains in its stomach.
They should not have trusted the lawyer when he said that the czech was in the male.
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something..."
Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks. (Michael Moore is sure to address this one)
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
An old lady goes to the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I've got an awfully embarrassing problem--I can't stop farting. They don't make a sound and they don't even smell, but I just can't stop. In fact, I've farted four times just since I've been in your office!"
Puzzled, the doctor give the woman a thorough exam.
"Well," he says, "I'm glad you came to see me when you did. Here are some pills I want you take twice a day. Come back and see me in a week to let me know how you're doing."
The old woman thanks the doctor and leaves, then returns a week later. "Doctor, those pills didn't work at all--In fact, they made things worse! I'm still farting just as often, but now they smell awful!"
"Excellent!" replied the doctor. "Looks like we've got your sinuses cleared out. Now we let's work on your hearing."
Did you read about the NY nightclub just opened by Indians?
They charge twenty-four dollars for a Manhattan!
Virgin Squaw: A wouldn't Indian.
An Arizona sheriff, seeking re-election, was out politickin' around a Hopi Reservation when he came upon a group of women.
"Now, if you squaws will vote for me," he said, "I'll guarantee you full benefit of Social Security."
"What Social Security?" asked one woman.
"Well," said the sheriff, "that's a plan whereby you'll get about eighty bucks a month when you're sixty years old."
"Ugh?" muttered the squaw. "When sixty years old, one buck a month be enough for me!"
Running Pony was arrested for murdering his wife. He explained: "Me plant corn, come up corn. Me plant potato, come up potato. Me plant Indian, come up Chinaman. Me kill 'em squaw."
Three weeks after arriving in America Mario telephoned his mother in Rome.
"Mama mia!" he bellowed excitedly, "I'm-a so happy. I'm-a gonna marry an American girl!"
"No! No!" pleaded his mother. "American girl-a no good. She's a bad cook. She's a bad in-a da bed. And if you have-a da fight, she's gonna call you a wop!"
Despite his mother's please Mario married the girl and a month later phoned her again.
"Mama! Mama! You all-a wrong!" said Mario.
"She's a great cook! She's-a wonderful in-a the bed!
And Mama, the only time she's-a call me a wop is when I call-a her a coon!"
Last summer John met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.
"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," John said to his lady friend.
"I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."
"Well, if we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker."
"I see," John replied, and was quiet for a moment.
Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.
Iroquoian Lad: Father, why I not named Tom or Jim or Fred like white man?
Father: Indian boy named after last thing seen before moment of conception: Running Water, Standing Bear, like that. Why you ask, Broken Rubber?