Ok group, I could use some guidance on this one. . .
One of the young ladies on this site acquired a tourist visa
to visit her sister here in the states (hard to believe, but
it's true!). She arrived in the US in early September of
last year.
Through fiance.com and the young ladies' mother, I was able to
send her flowers, which tickled her to death, because she didn't
tell me where she was.
(I have to pause here and give fiance.com a huge THANKS for going
above and beyond the call of duty. This place is great, and their
extra effort is why I won't register anywhere else).
Anyway, we communicated via telephone and emails for a few weeks.
I sent her Christmas presents (jewelry), which she loved.
Although she was here on a tourist/visitors visa, she did have
a job - she worked for a maid service, cleaning houses (at least
that's what she told me).
We made arrangements to meet the weekend of Jan 15. I flew up, got
a rental car & a hotel room. We did some sightseeing, spent time talking,
even went to a casino in the area.
I told her I liked her, and wanted to see her again. She said she
liked me too.
Her birthday was Feb 8. Of course, I sent flowers, and more
presents.
I sent even more stuff on Valentine's Day.
We continued to talk via phone and email.
She called me on Feb 11. She was depressed because she was trying
to get into a language school in NYC, but needed money for tuition
and for an apartment (I think living in NY was a requirement). I
told her that I was willing to pay the tuition, and to give me the
name of the school, which she never did.
We talked a few more times, but on Feb 24, she seemed resigned to the fact that she
would have to go home. She said "But it's OK", as I tried to explain
to her that it wasn't - at least to me.
After some research, I called her on Feb 27. I told her that I had
located an immigration law firm in Pittsburgh that spoke Russian, and
perhaps we could get an extension on her visa.
I told her that I could set up an appointment with the English
Language Institute at the Univ of Pittsburgh, so she could take classes
here. I was willing to pay for her tuition, and that I had friends to help
her in finding part time work. All we needed to do was arrange for her to
fly here.
After not hearing from her, I called her sister on March 2. Her sister
said that her visa was to expire on March 6, but that she might
be leaving sooner. I said that I wanted to see her before she
left, and to have her call me.
(Note: Her sister was extremely kind and helpful during this whole
thing - she even let us meet at her house. I have no reason to
believe that her sister was interfering in any way.)
Well, March 6 has come and gone. I assume this young lady went
home. . . and she didn't even say goodbye.
I've sent some emails asking what happened, but I've yet to receive
a reply.
One of my friends suggested that I may have been too nice and generous;
that perhaps she suspected some 'sinister motive' behind my actions.
I hope not, and tried to explain that in an email, but like I said,
no reply as yet.
My impression is that she's a very independent and determined young lady.
Perhaps she was too proud to ask for or accept my help.
Anyway, feedback from anyone would be greatly appreciated.
Bob,
This to me is only my opinion. If you are being accurate and honest in your thread. You gave it your very best my man. You can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what went wrong. Dont ever try to justify or make up reasons in your own head of why she did not look you up on your offers to help her or why she has not returned your attempts to talk to her. Women have the ability to take their own secrets to the grave whether they are russian or american . Even if you do find her you might not get a straight answer. Bob , there are too many fish im the sea. You tried and she is not there for you now. It is time to move on. I feel your pain. By the way are you from the burgh? what neighborhood?
you really sent her jewelry before you have ever seen her? Mate, such things never will come to my mind!
In my opinion she was never really interested in you. For example, she didnīt tell you the place where she lived in the US.
Second: you was running for her and she noticed it. Russian women like to be conquered, but if you show yourself much too dependable, they wonīt take you for serious, īcos a "real" man will not act in this way. At least in this sense, what russian ladies understand with the phrase "real man".
I tend to agree with your friend, that you was much too nice and generous - at least much too early.
She was not for you, so you can only learn from your story.
I can understand why Buran is frustrated.
To have a nice lady so close and watch her slip through your fingers gotta burn your nuggets, doesn't it?
But there is so much time and thought you can dedicate to 'what could have been' before you get back on the saddle again and do it the old fashion way...GO VISIT HER!! (if she'll recieve you, of course)
And if she doesn't, find someone else and go visit her when you tihnk it's prudent.
Move on... there are a ton of fish in the sea... there is no excuse for her not making any effort to contact you. Go to ukraine youll meet many many nice and friendly sincere ladies there, youll forget her in 1 day. Good luck!
You're right - there are a lot of fish out there, but am I baiting my hook corectly :-) ?
My approach has always been to treat the lady like she was the greatest thing
since bubbles in beer. Perhaps some restraint is in order. . .
BTW, I live the 'burbs east of Pittsburgh - work in Oakland.
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WT:
While the jewelry wasn't costume jewelry , it wasn't heirloom quality either. :-) I spent more on the trip than on the jewelry :-)
Something I didn't mention before: Her profile mentions the state where her sister lives, so I had a general idea. Second, her profile was posted only a month before she left for the US. She told me in one of her letters she was coming, but not when.
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Toad & Freebird:
I agree - I need to move on, but I don't want to make the same mistake(s) again.
Buran,
As i said you did the best that you can do . You were very generous and most of all you were being yourself. There is no certain way to bait a hook . There is no set formula for two people to click . It just happens. By the way, i live northwest of the burgh about 40 minutes parkway west route 60 from downtown little past the old airport.
I think your problem was that you picked someone who was between a rock and a hard place what with her visa running out. She grabbed hold of you out of desperation and then panicked when she saw how you became so obsessed with her so quickly. You should have been her friend and waited until she asked for your help. You pushed too hard. You have lost this one. Give it up and find someone else.
Icechaos
I dont agree with Ice. He didnt do anything wrong... not from what I saw over there... It seemed to me that ladies were very pleased with open and honest admiration.... The real ones I dealt with. Thats how to lose an American woman for sure... be nice get tossed or hosed.
He was being honest with his feelings.... it is her friggin loss not his. Pushing too hard? Like I said I got enough games in the US why go overseas or hook up with an FSU if you want to play games? We got those at home.
Have you read the forums? One thing I have seen consistantly on the boards is this... Be a man! Step up! Men must be the initiators! He stepped up.
If she was interested... She would not have run. There are a ton of factors we dont know from her side... Like other men.... and such.
Icechoas , I know where your coming from man... You know what your doing, Im not saying your wrong if it was a US situation.... we all know the games you have to learn for that. Its like fishing back home.. you gotta wait till they swallow to set the hook. Hell, over there, once I took them out and they were interested, there was no doubt in my mind they wanted more.
Buran,
Sometimes things just don't work, it is fruitless to try and figure what you did wrong if anything. I just came back from my second trip to Ukraine with all her docs for a K-1 Visa and after not hearing from her for a week she sends me a letter saying she wishes to end our communitcation. I don't have a clue and probably never will. Although these ladies are more sophisticated, attractive, and family oriented than a lot of western women they still are women and if your try to figure it out you will find yourself in one of those jackets that have arms that tie in the back. I think I know how you are feeling right now and my advice is to start corresponding with a couple of new ladies, get back on the horse so to speak.
Fortunately, I kept current with my other contacts, so I'm not exactly starting from square one again.
Yeah, it's likely that I became smitten with her rather quickly. I guess that happens when, after years of drinking 'beer', you get your first taste of 'champagne'. . . :-)
wmferg:
My sympathies to you - that really has to hurt.
nasfan:
<bob imitates Chevy Chase from 'Caddyshack'>
be the hook............na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. . . .
Hi Buran, don't change anything in yourself or your approach. If the next one is the right one, she'll appreciate the real you. Why pretend to be the person you are not, why play games to get them, if it works, would you be able to pretend someone you're not for the rest of your life? Be careful though with your emotional openness because you can be taken advantage financially I mean. Best of luck, there's nothing wrong being a gentleman.
Sorry to hear about your situation, but I tend to agree with some of the other guys here, maybe you showed her too much to soon and she took advantage of it. This could happen to anyone here for there. You might wait to show your intentions a little more longer as she maybe thought you weren't sincere about her as a person. I don't know, but definitely wait a little longer next time. By the way was there big age difference between you both? I also agree that there are others out there more deserving. Take your time my friend and take it slow.....
Buran_Fan, sorry for what happened to you. But I think that you did act a little bit wrong. You gave her presents, arranging to meet with her, but then you tried to help her to stay in the USA. At this point she may have thought "oh my God, he does that with purpose, he wants me to stay here dependable on him, and when he will get tired of me, he will just through me away". I don't say these are her thoughts, but something like that was possible. Some rich men here make nice beautiful girls dependable on them in every single aspect, and when they meet a younger or a more beautiful girl, they through the previous girl away without a single coin, just the clothes that it is on her, taking the presents back. And this could be a big fear to her....
Pitchka,
Most men in the US are not conditioned to think that way.
With the way american women are, it would take someone with a very weird imagination to seriously plan to treat women like that...
Some men could try to do that, but I assure you there not enough women here who would ever lend themselves to be treated that way.
Toad, well it is really great! But remember that girls here don't know about that! And they think about men the way they know, making parallels with the behavior they are familiar with!
rubbish! When a guy offers a female relative stranger (she was to Buran) to pay some substantial fees (her tuition) then there's a scale tipping, it leaves a balance.
She just did not like him and/or did not like the indebtedness she would have towards him, quite normal I'd say - EVEN when judged by American male's Toad, there's no exceptions on this rule.
Malkounis - The age difference was 16 years (me 42, she 26)
- - - - -
While I don't intend on changing who I am, I agree that I need to be slower in the future.
As for the tuition: My logic was this: If I were to fly to Russia to see her, that money would have gone to things like plane tickets, hotels and the like. Spending it on tuition was a better use. It also had the advantage of giving me something I wouldn't have by going there: MORE TIME. Time for us to get to know each other better. Time for her to see what day-to-day life is like in the US (and my life in particular).
Of course, I tried to make that clear several times, but they're only words. . .