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	Create New Topic   My Posts   My forum buddies   Invite friends   Private messages Russian brides > Main Forum > American humour (2) Author Post gladiatorUK Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 8/29/2004 4:14:42 PM   Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili Judge 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild Judge 3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili Judge 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili Judge 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers Judge 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer. Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic Judge 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac? Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover Judge 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety Judge 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili Judge 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili Judge 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili. Had to start a new thread here as the original was locked out! wessman Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 8/29/2004 5:30:24 PM   Ok that was good reading nd good humor, just curious why was the other thread locked? gladiatorUK Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 8/30/2004 6:50:51 AM   I did see it run to about 7 or 8 pages...I guess it was threatening to take over the site.....LOL Ditto Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 8/30/2004 1:20:04 PM   Police today warned all men who frequent clubs and parties to stay cautious when offered drinks by women. Females are using a date rape drug called "beer" to target unsuspecting men. This drug comes in liquid form and is available nearly everywhere. "Beer" is used by female predators to persuade hapless male victims to go home with them. Women need only persuade a man to consume a few of these "beers" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex, a simple approach that renders most men helpless. After several "beers," men will have sex with even unattractive women. Often men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a horrible headache, and a vague feeling that something bad happened. Some really unfortunate men are even separated from their life's savings in a scam called "a relationship." In extreme cases, females have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term servitude through a punishment called "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam once "beer" is administered. Forward this warning to every male you know. And if you, or some man you know, have fallen victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women who administer it, rest assured: male support groups exist in every major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, look in the Yellow Pages under "Golf Courses." Thunderdome Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 8/30/2004 4:20:57 PM   A related problem to the above is the so-called AGW. A man, after having been administered 'beer' the previous evening, sometimes in the morning finds himself trapped with his arm under a woman. The rising sun shines light on her and, if no heart-condition proves fatal, he has to leave asap. HAS to, but may under no circumstance wake up this woman for reasons obvious for those having been in this situation already. So he then tends to opt for the Arm Gnawing-off Withdrawal method. hoenissen Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 10/2/2004 2:54:53 AM   They did not communicate very well. He suggested to renew their sex life with Tantra. She threw a Tantrum. nasfan6 Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 10/2/2004 7:01:24 AM   Speaking of Golf Courses, very seldom have I been to one where the evil "Beer" was not in mass quantities. So here is a golfing joke. Three guys are on the putting green waiting for the fourth to arrive. One of the guys cell phone goes off and he tells the other three he can't make it his wife just went into labor. So the three are annoyed because they don't have a fourth, when on the other side of the putting green a beautiful woman hears there problem and ask's if she can join them since her partner had to cancel. The three looked at each other. She told them not to worry she plays fast and she plays pretty well. So they figured what the hell. Well after many holes this lady is playing right along with the fella's. One guy remarks that she plays extremely well. Well they get to the 18th hole, which is a par 3 225 yard hole. She tells the guys her dream has been to birdie this hole and she has never done it. They all get up to hit. The lady hits a great drive, the ball lands pin high about 12 feet away from the cup. When they get to the green the lady says who ever helps me birdie this hole I will give a blow job. The first guy runs up and tells her to line her putt 3 inches to the left of the cup and hit it with a mild stroke. The second gentleman says no way theres not break in the putt and hit it straight for the hole. The third guy (and my hero) Picks the ball up and gives it to the lady and says it's a gimme, mark a 2 on your scorecard! gladiatorUK Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 10/2/2004 7:06:04 AM   lol@nasfan.......pure gold mate.....he's my hero too!!!..........:)))) nasfan6 Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 10/2/2004 8:15:23 AM   Glad Run with that one, it's one of my favorite golfing jokes. The sad thing I don't play as much as I used too. Since my divorce I haven't had much reason to play!!!!! It was perfect, by the time I got home at night she was passed out drunk and there was peace and quiet. There is a positive side to divorce, the last year of my marriage was shit, but my handicap went down from a 12 to a 4. Saturdays and Sundays I was playing 36 holes a day. Very therapeutic and peaceful. I have a Trophy from St. Andrews, I was there in 1999 for a vacation with a friend of mine. It is a divot I took on the 13th hole and I vacuum packed it and it is mounted on the wall of my home. Any guys here that play needs to go Play St. Andrews once. When I walked out there in the morning to tee off I had goosebumps from the history of that course. scottlf Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 10/2/2004 10:12:24 AM   Here is one of my favorites. This guy and his wife are golfing in a rural golf course. He hits off the 7th tee and shanks it. Finding the ball, he sees that a barn is between him and the green. He is about to hit a 3 iron back out to the fairway when his wife says that she can see the flag from behind the barn, all he has to do is hit a 7 iron through the barn and he can reach. He looks up and by god he can see through the barn to the green. So he cranks up and hits through the barn. Unfortunately, the ball hits a beam and ricochets off the beam hitting his wife in the head and killing her. About a year later, the same guy is playing on the course with his buddy. He tees off the same hole and shanks it once again, landing in almost the exact spot he was a year before. His buddy says " Hey look you can see the green through that old barn. Go for it why dontcha?" "No way" says the guy. "Last time I tried that, I wound up with a double bogey." gladiatorUK Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 10/2/2004 7:47:27 PM   nas: good to hear you got "the feeling" at St Andrews!!,not that I play a lot of golf but as you say the history of that course is tremendous.My past escape from the ex-dragon was fishing.....also very therapeutic,but times change and most of my spare time is now spent on less relaxing but much more enjoyable activities!!!......:)) gladiatorUK Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 10/2/2004 7:59:22 PM   and on a lighter note: Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out of the plane, but ten dollars is ten dollars." scottlf Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 10/2/2004 11:08:29 PM   Somewhat reminds me of this one. A driver is stopped by a police officer. The driver asks, "What's the problem officer?" The office responds "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone." "No sir, I was going 65." replies the man. His wife immediately retorts "Oh, Harry. You were going 80.", of which the man tell her to keep quite. The officer then says "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light." "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!" says the husband. His wife then says "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.", and the husband more insistently tells his wife to be quite. "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt." says the officer. The husband responds "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car." His wife responds "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt." At this point, the husband turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk." nasfan6 Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 10/2/2004 11:53:32 PM   Glad that is hysterical In regards to fishing. I did that a lot with my friends but all we would catch was Buzz Bass from to many Budweisers. So hear goes a funny story. It didn't happen to me but it happened to my friends and I got to watch it. I got to laugh my ass off. When I first separated from my wife I rented a trailer on Myers lake. It was small but a great fishing lake. So one Friday night I stop in the Tavern on the way home and three buddies of mine are sitting there drinking a couple of beers. Gary, Jim and Murph. They are talking about going fishing the next morning and asked if I wanted to go. I said I didn't know it depended on what time I got out of the tavern that night. I said hell just bring your boat down to the lake where I'm at and fish there. My lake had no public access. They could launch from my pier and driveway. So they left after a couple of more beers. Well I left the tavern at around midnight because I knew those clowns would be there around 5:30 in the morning. Well here they come at 5:30am beers in hand and their Jon Boat and all there gear and their trailer. I wasn't ready to go I hadn't had a shower yet, but I said I would just catch up with them in a half an hour or so. There was a slight fog hanging over the lake and in the early morning the sound carrys all around the lake. I can hear them idiots laughing and I can hear the pull tabs on the beer cans opening. Well about an hour later I go out and take a chair out to the pier and start reading a paper. The fog has lifted a bit and they are about 100 yards off from my pier. I know they are about 6 or eight beers into their fishing trip because they are saying c'mon you pussy get out here and fish with us. Gary is in the front of the boat, Murph is in the middle and Jim is in the rear of the boat. Next thing I hear is Jim say I gotta piss, Jim is 6'5" and 260 lbs, so he stands on the corner of the boat and let's her rip. Well Murph the idiot decides he needs something out of the tackle box in the back and moves from the middle to the back of the boat. As soon as he does that the corner Jim is urinating from plunges into the water, the bow of the boat rises skyward, Jim slips into the water and the movement of the boat throws Murph head first into the water. I watch as the boat sinks like the Titanic and Gary holding on to the bow like he's not going to sink and down he goes. Well I know there is a problem, Murph can't swim, I am laughing so hard that when I jump into my boat I slip and bust my ass. I go grab Murph because I know he's in trouble. I get Murph into my boat and I'm laughing so damn hard as I watch tackle boxes, poles sink to the bottom. I hear Gary yelling to Jim save the beer, save the beer. Well Jim is already hanging on the cooler because it was the only thing left floating. So I start to drive the boat away and I hear Jim yell, you son of a bitch aren't you going to get us two. I said hell no, you have got a floatational device so swim your sorry asses in. So Gary opens the cooler and gets him and Jim a beer and they swim in. I am in so much pain from laughing I can hardly breath. I just wish I had a camcorder that day. They are upset because a lot of their personal belongings are at the bottom of the lake. We all had a friend Mark Hunter who was on the county Police dive team. So I call him and tell him what happened. Now he is laughing his ass off and says sure he'll come out, he wouldn't miss it for the world. He told me not to tell the Three Stooges he was bringing friends out also. About 45 minutes later I have about 13 police cars from the county and state police in my drive way, along with all 5 members of the County Police dive team with their van there. Three of the cops had video camera's to tape the recovery of the lost items. Talk about blackmail video, About a week later Mark brought a tape by for me to watch. In one segment Gary is overheard talking to Murph and he says I don't give a shit if they find my wedding band I just want my damned fish finder sonar. Well that is a man with his priorities straight. It was amazing, Mark and his crew of guys recovered everything including Garys wedding band. Gary and Jim were pissed at me for about a month for not picking them out of the water and having all the police at my house for the recovery. On one part of the tape I'm overheard asking Murph if physics was one of his strong subjects in High School. Well I think this story answers that question. Later All Mike nasfan6 Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 10/2/2004 11:58:32 PM   Good One Scott!!!!!! gladiatorUK Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 10/3/2004 5:07:06 AM   Mike: the mental picture I have of your friends at that lake has me in tears.....:))))),nice one. nasfan6 Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 10/3/2004 8:41:34 AM   Glad When I was writing this I was laughing. It is a mental visual that will never leave me until the day I die. It is one of those days in my life, that when I'm having a bad day now I think about and my mood changes . The 1985 Chicago Bears Super Bowl party is another excellent story of stupidity in the making and I am very much involved in that. I will save that for another day. It's a story about Da Bears, A Blizzard and too many beers. Gee the common denominator is beer, Its good to see we haven't strayed to far on this thread LOL hoenissen Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 10/11/2004 12:00:54 PM   A Polish immigrant married an American woman. Some time later he came to work extremely nervous about his wife's intentions. He told his colleagues he had found a bottle of Polish Remover in the bathroom cupboard. gladiatorUK Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 10/14/2004 6:18:39 PM   Or the extremely drunken sailor who decides to visit a local house of ill-repute on his shore leave.......... after being with his chosen girl for some time he asks tentatively "How am I doing then?" to which she replies ........"about three knots" puzzled he asks for an explanation.......and she says quite forcefully "YOU'RE NOT HARD.......NOT IN........AND NOT GETTING YOUR MONEY BACK" :))))))))) hoenissen Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 10/19/2004 12:26:50 PM   Jet Set: What a soul brother carries in his jockstrap. Your Reply: Your name:   New Registration Password:   Forgot password?   refresh Code:   Russian brides > Main Forum > American humour (2)
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