I will be traveling to Ukraine to meet my lady for the first time, but will not meet her parents, family or friends until a second trip. We are meeting in a "neutral" city. But I believe in preparing ahead.
I know the first meeting witht the parents will be different for each couple, but I would like to hear people's experiences and what attitudes, gestures, or actions either helped or hindered the formation of the relationship with the parents.
I am especially sensitive to this as I will be representing a movement of their grandchild to a distance of several thousand miles.
If it was her idea for you to 'NOT meet the parents' you may also be falling under the category of "the other man who comes for a quickie and a shopping spree".
Her Ivan boyfriend/husband may not like the set up.
Be careful, Ditto...and good luck!
I know people who know her and have lived in the same apartment building at the same time, so I do not believe there is an Ivan, but I'll look over my shoulder, just in case.
Same advice as for meeting, be yourself. My advice Ditto, concentrate on meeting her for now. You do not yet know if there will be a second time. One thing at a time, it will make things easier.
Same advice as for meeting her, be yourself. My advice Ditto, concentrate on meeting her for now. You do not yet know if there will be a second time. One thing at a time, it will make things easier.
Same advice as for meeting her, be yourself. My advice Ditto, concentrate on meeting her for now. You do not yet know if there will be a second time. One thing at a time, it will make things easier.
I did the parent route already. I think a KGB interrogation would have been easier. Funny thing is I think my fiancee was more worried about what I may say than I was. I learned a few things along the way though so this may clarify some things. Doubt it will help, but maybe it will help you some.
1. They are still parents. They didn't seem overly happy that their little girl was going to be going away to live someplace very far away that they may never see. So the whole shock was a little much for them at first. Apparently my fiancee never told them about me until I visited. They still had hopes of their daughter finding a nice man in their country someday. So I was unexpected. Anything you can do to reassure them that they will see their daughter again and grandchildren will help.
2. I was told by them that it is customary in the Ukraine for the parents to meet the man and his parents before the wedding. They wanted to know if there was any possible way for this to still happen. They both felt that they wanted to meet my parents and get to know them since we would be forming a family. So they requested that if by some way possible my parents both visit them in the Ukraine.
3. I was also told that it is customary for the man and woman to date one full year before preparing for marriage. That if I was living in the Ukraine this would be a time of adjustment and the parents to get to know their future son-in-law. They also told me that during this time the man and woman would not be living together and would have separate apartments, etc until after the marriage takes place. Then and only then would it be "ok" for us to be together in any form of matrimonial way.
4. They made it very evident that they both love their daughter very much. They want to make sure that she is taken care of. Not so much financially as much as emotionally and physically. They told me that they are not wealthy and never could afford much. But what they couldn't afford they make up for with love and tenderness to one another. (He parents were married some 27 years and still going strong.) So they want to be sure that I will still truly love their daughter no matter what.
5. They wanted to know everything about you. If you were married, do you have children, do you want to have children, how many children you hope to have, etc. They explained that most people in the Ukraine only have one child their entire life. And their daughter was their whole reason for life. So they want to make sure that I will keep this in mind and pass this on to our future children. To be the type of man to always love them and care for them no matter what.
6. Was I a Christian, do I believe in God and are we going to be married in a church.
7. When will they see me again, when will I be taking their daughter away from them and when will she be coming back to visit. Also they were very concerned that it may not work out. So that no matter what I have money set aside for my fiancee so that she will always have her return ticket home paid for and ready to go.
That is just some of the things I went through. It lasted several hours. Like most parents though they just care about their daughter and her happiness. If you are holding their daughter's hand tenderly and smiling at each other then that will help. Anything you can do to show that you both really love each other. When I left I think we were all nearly in tears and Kate broke out into tears several times listening to her parents talk about her and hearing how much they care about her and her future. I hugged her mother goodbye and we went back to Kiev. So I guess I had a pretty successful visit. It had been very important for her to get her mother's approval (at least) and we left with her parents blessing on our marriage. Don't think your girl will want anything less.
Oh yeah, definitely be yourself. Don't be too proud or boastful. Listen intently and speak slowly. That goes for speaking with anyone there. They may or may not be able to understand any English at all. But be sure to speak clearly and slowly.
Also bring some sort of gift when visiting them. For me, Kate told me that it was important to go to the market and buy a bouquet of her mother's favorite flowers. Be sure it is an odd number since even numbers are considered bad luck. Do not send any yellow flowers ever - since it is considered back luck and signifies death.
Ask your girl for advice on what to give them as a gift. I was told not to really do the gift but to definitely bring flowers. So this will differ from person to person. Don't automatically bring wine or other drinks. The men there have almost a 56% alcoholism rate that sometimes leads to death from alcohol related disorders. So if their parents don't drink it could be viewed in a very bad light. Don't assume anything.
I just noticed you said that you are taking away their grandchild? Your lady has a child? If so, you can't forget about the child at all. Bring the child a gift and do everything you can for him or her. Don't ever forget about the child. Give that child every ounce of love you can possibly muster. That one child is the pride and joy of an entire family. In the FSU people typically don't have more than one child. So that child becomes the entire breath and life of its mother and her parents. If one thing I learned is how important family and children are to them. If anywhere upon the entire earth people would be more willing to die for their children, it would most likely be in the FSU. Russian and Ukrainian women will do anything for their children even at the expense of their own lives and comfort. If a girl has to work 20hrs a day doing hard labor just to provide for her child she will do it willingly and not blink an eye.
The men, well they are a little less desirable in their feelings about children. Many FSU women are abandoned by men when children come into the picture. Children are seen as a burden to many men so it is quite common for men to run off with a mistress and get a divorce when children are born. Most women over there have (amazingly) become accustomed to this practice and you will see many single mothers. The women of course hate it and most likely it is the reason your lady is wanting to find a foreign man. She wants more than anything a decent man to be the father of her children.
I am not here to prove anything really, but my last was meant as a joke...if your that serious to your woman..you might want to work on your humor a lil' bit.