Glad,
In a parallel world/universe/dimension there would be time travel capabilities to enable us to go back in time and convince his parents to go for oral sex, instead.
You know its a tough crowd here tonight, I just can't get no respect;
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
Nah, you didn't!
Don't lie, you shouted "Boo" and that cleared your way.
And the sniffer-dog yepped at you from the far corner, and the sole reason he was there were the revolving-doors.
Toad, a warning to you. I've heard a story about a Princess walking in a forest. She came up to a frog, and, seeing this ghastly creature, she took a desision which changed her life - she picked it up and kissed it!
The Princess got warts.
I wish you better luck in Siberia!
A great comic has passed on to the ages. I loved Rodney Dangerfield,
I got the chance to see him twice and was never disappointed. My favorite Dangerfields were, "I wish my son kept his room as clean as
he does his pot." "My Girlfriend had mirrors installed above her bed, she said she liked to watch herself laugh while we were making love"
His self deprecating humor brought laughs to millions. He will
be missed.
My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you get a good look at the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
It's tough trying to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
I was feeling really depressed, I called my doctor and took a whole bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
observing wess!!....makes me sound like a guardian angel....lol.
try this for size:
The German air controllers at Frankfurt airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. Pilots are not only expected to know their gate parking location,
but how to get there without any assistance from the air controllers. So it was
with some amusement that a Pan Am 747 listened to the following exchange
between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, with the call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"