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	Create New Topic   My Posts   My forum buddies   Invite friends   Private messages Russian brides > Main Forum > Her parents Author Post IceChaos Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 1/28/2005 1:36:01 PM   I was thinking about the subject of the girl’s parents. I know that some of you guys have met the girl’s parents and have received their blessing, but I was wondering if some of you might share your thoughts on this matter. I would imagine that many of the parents might not really be that happy that their daughter is leaving to go and live thousands of miles from their homelands. It seems to be that this is a delicate issue that I haven’t read that much about. Ice crashnsplash Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 1/28/2005 2:15:43 PM   Its a tremendous issue. My fiance's parents already miss her and she hasn't left yet.. It definitly isn't like here in the US and the "fuck what her parents think" senario. I think families over there are more tight than they are here. If you know she is the ONE you had better get used to the idea of you are going to have to spend time with them. I think it also depends on how old your woman is. If shes in her 40's with grown children then I think it may be different. Maybe not. Just my opinion from being there and experiencing it first hand. In my case I call her parents mom and dad already and we all have a very good relationship. They know they haven't lost a daughter, they have gained a son. They also know they have a second home in the USA just like I do in Russia. They also know we will all see eachother a few times a year. They are happy for her because they know how much in love we are and they know without eachother we both will never be happy. Its a commitment you had better get used to if your going to go through with this. Its definitly not a game. GLTALLTOAD Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 1/28/2005 2:34:56 PM   Many of the ladies I talked or with I exchanged correspondence live with their elderly mother, not both parents. And sometimes even with a younger sibling still in school and not of wage earning age. Often the girl works to support all of them because the mother's meager monthly pension is not even enough to buy food for one week. It should be no wonder that in these type of situations the thought of the girl leaving is enough to send chills of terror down her mother spine. It becomes an issue of survival pure and simple. If you do not want to have to deal with these issues, make sure you discuss it well in advance. As much as I advocate against creating financial dependency during the courting pre-marriage period, I think it takes little effort to replace whatever financial production leaves the household when the lady marries you and moves away. She's no longer there to eat her share of the food, etc...so we don't even have to replace her whole income to help maintain their standard of living and look like a hero all at the same time. I'll be the first to admit that I piss away at least US$100 every month on things that are absolutely not needed or redundant. toad danny3777 Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 1/28/2005 5:21:56 PM   Ice, Put yourself in a parent's position. Any parent only wants what is best for their child and in FSU, that normally means leaving. Please also bear in mind, that as a parent, your little girl is considering leaving for another country with a man that you haven't met yet, wouldn't you want to meet him? I've met with different parents and in my experience, they are all lovely people, they will lay on a big spread and believe me, they'll be more nervous than you are. And, it is a true sign of her seriousness if she introduces you to the parents, if she doesn't introduce you then you may read, taking into consideration any other circumstances, that she is not serious. wtrav02 Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 1/28/2005 9:14:38 PM   I cannot call mom and dad anyone else other than my own, physical parents, so I call my in laws by their first name next to their patronymic name, which is appropriate if you are not going to call them mom and dad. I was told it is totally inappropriate to call them by their first name like we would do here. I agree family ties are stronger there. In America, once kids go to college, they're off to their own lives, but in FSU the family stays close for longer periods of time and they also stay emotionally very connected. Especially for a young girl, it is very difficult to be far away from her parents and it is difficult for the parents as well. For us moving to a location that is closer to her parents may do the trick. She misses her parents very much. It is much different for a man. There isn't much you can do to remedy this other than frequent visits. Email, phone, phone recorded messages or video conferencing are only substitutes. Thunderdome Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 1/29/2005 2:20:37 AM   Wtrav, "I was told it is totally inappropriate to call them by their first name like we would do here" Funny you mention that. Dunno about Greek, but a lot of languages have two forms of addressing: one is the polite form, the other a casual one. To adult strangers, people of authority and those who're older the polite form is used exclusively, because when the casual form is used this invariably is an insult. The casual form is for friends and often (not always)younger one's, and the use implies some intimacy. This is a bit of a complicated 'rule' one learns from childhood, and addressing others by their first name is not done either unless one has established the casual form already. In fact calling someone on his/her name, when the polite way should be used, is an aimed insult, and is taken as such. French and German even have a word for suggesting to drop the polite form and switching to the casual one, because during a conversation or relationship this should be asked by one of the parties. English does not have these rules at all, never mind the Mr. and Mrs. as these are only tiny leftovers of what once must have been something similar. For Europeans having life-long been indoctrinated with these differences (which go quite deep, make no mistake) being addressed by a stranger who bluntly calls them on their first name, not surname, may come across as a bit of a shock, but if not their defence system will be on alert as it is some reflex. This is one of the reasons why especially Americans come across as blunt simply because of their (for them normal) use of the language. I know, I had to get used to the other way round, speaking English whilst trying to find something suited to cater for the polite form I was used to. But adressing Misters is funny also, and one has to drop it eventually or on the spot as a lot will correct you saying their name is John, not Mr Whittaker. I'm sure not many English-speaking will know this, and I've got no doubt that this knowledge may come in handy when trying to find one's feet overthere. Especially the older generation is sensitive for adhering to 'correct' manners, and when their mother toungue has these two addressing forms embedded one may ask how they want to be adressed. This shows respect the language itself (Eng) cannot show by default, and would push aside any inconveniances from the start. Thunderdome Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 1/29/2005 2:36:29 AM   So by the way, such likely will make learning another language complicated for English-default folks. Bear in mind that the correct use of these forms (add tenses and sexes) is, except from difficult, something that has to grow on you, and only will come natural when you are getting fluent. Ptich', please tell us about these nuances in Ukrainian and Russian? I'm sure the 'you' you use for your parents is a different one than the 'you' to address a friend, and the latter probably differs for a male and female? Ptichka Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 1/29/2005 12:42:03 PM   Thunderdome, well you see I call my parents mom and dad, and address them "you", as well as I do to my friends and grandparents. More distant relatives whom I don't know that good I call "You" (polite way) and say something like "Uncle Misha", "Aunt Sveta" and so on:) Of course it is "you" (friendly way) when speaking to my cousins:))) But when I speak with my boyfriend's mother and father, it is only "You" (polite way) and call them with first and patronymic names. It is actually rather usual that before getting married boyfriend/girlfriend calls his girlfriend's/boyfriend's parents with first and patronymic names and calls "You" ( polite way), after getting married very often it becomes "mom and dad", but still "You" (polite way). But never calling your partner's parents with the first name and saying "you" ( friendly way). wtrav02 Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 1/29/2005 1:33:00 PM   Thunderdome, I am familiar with the fact that every other language other than American English has some at least sort of polite and casual forms. I don't know why, it seems a waste of breath and saliva, but of course when dealing overseas we need to abide with the local rules and regulations. Mr and Mrs are not even used here as much as in GB. Addressing people with their first name helps break the ice and is convenient. Especially in business saying "hey Bob wait!" to the CEO of a large company (who is not even your boss) is unheard in Europe, but here calling him Mr. Smartpants would be very uncommon. I find this very democratic, definitely a liberal way of doing things that breaks social and other barriers. In Ukrainian etiquette it seems even more difficult to call my in law Stanislav Ivanovich when I am comfortable calling him Stan or even Stanislav but not dad. It's just a very long sentence to have to spell each time I want to address him. When I was first told by my wife that since I am not going to call her parents mom and dad, then I must call them using their two names, I thought it was for a joke, but then I realized it wasn't when she said "I'll be very upset with you if you're not polite with my parents". Last thing I want is to insult my in laws, so I am glad I know these little things that can make a big difference on perceptions. P.S. In America, it is common to ask your in laws how they want you to call them, ie. mom and dad or by their first name. In some instances, people even call them Mr. and Mrs. so and so. It is impolite to abbreviate someone's name when others call him by his full name, so there are some rules here as well. GLTALLTOAD Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 1/30/2005 11:29:02 AM   These are all golden nuggets of cultural information to use when addressing your FSU in-laws....much like you do when you address Spanish speaking people formally with the 'Usted' instead of the 'Tu' toad Thunderdome Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 1/30/2005 12:29:39 PM   Yeah, but simply 'extrapolating' one apparently may not do, at least if I judge Ptichka's response correctly. I'd never address my parents with your 'Tu' but would use the 'Usted', however she seems to do. So Toad, the in any case complicated rules per lang do also vary per lang. You must have grown up with English Wtrav, because I disagree fully with what you call a waste of saliva. Someone not used to nigh-on per default first-name terms (i.e. Europeans) find such going against their reflexes, a correct word because it is fed into one with mother's milk. My English is good enough these days to critisize it for lacking this facility rather than see what you call an advantage of levelling, which is true only in certain circumstances. Yeah, I can see your point of it being a schlepp to use more words than what you would do when it were in your lang, but the symbolic meaning is genuinely important - and this (I know you know now) is why your wife was adament about it. The two of you I know are bi/multi-lingual, but for English-only I'll give an example. If asking someone the way in English this could be like: Excuse me, could you tell me how to get to ABC? but also like Howzit ma China, tell me how I get to ABC? Overdone, sure, but the difference between the polite and casual form can be this big also. Frank Vans Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 1/30/2005 6:32:38 PM   When I met Elena's mother (her father is deceased) we were at her brother's home where her mother lives. It was her sister-in-laws birthday. After all the birthday celebrations were over, Elena told the family we were engaged. Her brother, and sister-in-law were very happy, but her mother was not. Although I couldn't speak Russain I could see on her mother's face the disappointment. I became uncomfortable, after all I wanted her mother to be as happy as we were. Her mother was concerned with the quickness of such a decision and told Elena, How could you do this when you hardly know him." After dinner the women went into the kitchen to do dishes and a lot of Russian conversation went on. I decided to stay in the living room and entertain Elena's young neice. Afterwards, elena told me her mother felt much better after hearing Elena talk about me and my life. The mother could see how much in love Elena was and after a few days of thinking it over, the mothter gave her blessing. She said she was sad to not be able to see her daughter. That was in October, and now her mother always makes sure to tell Elena to say hello to me. They have accepted me and I am in their conversations. One of the things I did was to provide a book of photos of the city where I live and photos of my home. I think the family appreciated and were reassurred knowing where Elena will be living. They are all happy for Elena. Ptichka Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 1/30/2005 7:25:39 PM   Thunderdome, you understood me rather correctly:))) Have to admit that here, at least, in Lugansk everybody calls their parents "you" ( friendly way), as these are the closest people...children have until they get married, and after that there is a very strong connection which doesn't need formality... After all all countries have their own traditions and it is a need to follow them...my tongue won't even be able to say "Elena" to my boyfriend's mother, only "Elena Lvovna", I'm just not able to say "Elena"....there is a traditional barrier which can't be broken.... Norwegian Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 1/30/2005 7:34:57 PM   Kind of funny, but I was discussing this with me girlfriend today, and she thought it was strange my mother did only go by one name... I got the impression the mothers second name is usually from the father, or the grandfather of your girl... Am I right? wtrav02 Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 1/30/2005 9:20:51 PM   Yes, that's right, both the male and female patronymic names come from their fathers (talk about male dominance:) So, my wife's name goes Yuliya Stanislavovna (or Stanislavivna in Ukrainian) because her father's name is Stanislav. If she had a brother, let's call him Maxim, he would be called Maxim Stanislavovich. Ptichka, I fully agree with you, I'd never like to call my parents by "usted" even if this was a possibility. I don't think they would like this either. Toad, my employer had me take private lessons in Spanish for two years with an Argentine instructor for business puspose of course, I also spent several months in Buenos Aires back in the years 1999 and 2000. I can only say the best things about that country and its people. I loved spending Sundays in El Caminito watching the tango dance performers. I also ador Argentine accent, which is distinct among other Latin American accents. Argentina and Uruguay are the crown jewels of South America. Brazilians and Chilians will tell you Argentines are snobs, but I only met very nice, warm people. My instructor tried to hook me up with her niece, but while Argentine women are among the most beautiful on earth and with a distinct mix of European and Latin American characteristics, that girl was simply an exception to the rule:) You must be very proud of your origins. GLTALLTOAD Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 1/30/2005 10:58:36 PM   Wtrav, You suffer from what is commonly known as "traveler infatuation" I display the very same symptoms whenever I go back to the Caribbean, whether it be Negril, St. Bart, Cartagena, San Blas Is., Acandi or a myriad of other paradise corners. Argentines from Buenos Aires ARE snobs. Make no mistake about it. But we look good doing it. The heart of the Argentine people is anywhere BUT Buenos Aires. So if you thought the 'portenos' were good hearted people, multiply that times 100 to gauge the soul of the other 2/3 of the population. I'm not partial to non-portenos by birth but because I spent years traveling among them and trying to figure out why they resented us so much. The Argentine people are like people everywhere else. Some good. Some bad. Invariably almost always led by corrupt politicians or bloodthirsty narrow minded oligarchs. Pardon the 'tango-like' downer tone of this post. I'm just not in a good mood today. Thank you for the nice comment. toad izifaddag Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 1/31/2005 1:46:00 PM   2 things 1st - I used to work for an Argentinian for seven and a half years and he would tell me a joke about his own people. He would ask how does an Argentinean commit suicide and the answer was that he throws himself off his own ego. Judging by all the Argentines I have met including that boss he was right. 2nd - I just got off the phone with my lady and I asked her about the correct way to address her father. Apparently after a lot of verbal tap dancing it goes like this. To address him correctly and with respect I must use his first name and his fathers first name at the same time. This is going to be good because I can't pronounce it. Anatoly, Serb.....vich Help crashnsplash Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 1/31/2005 3:08:45 PM   lol, good luck Izi Thats why I find calling my father-in-law Papa much easier. We both get along very well and he does not mind me calling him that at all. GLTALLTOAD Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 2/1/2005 2:13:43 AM   Argentines are Italians who speak Spanish, drive like Germans, think they are English and act like French. Take it from me, lol izifaddag Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 2/1/2005 11:35:21 AM   Thanks Crash, a little early for that and since that post marina wrote me a long complicated history of her relatives and how to address them. It will work out but at this stage it is not necessary to worry about. She is in Ekaterinburg with one bunch of relatives he is in Moscow with another bunch. I'll figure it out before march. Your Reply: Your name:   New Registration Password:   Forgot password?   refresh Code:   Russian brides > Main Forum > Her parents
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