A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man growls at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt. Sir, that's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "Why don't you please shut up?!?"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, ma'am?"
I took the freedom to copy and paste this joke from another thread an into this one.
originally posted by GLTALLTOAD
On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
Two Italian men and one Italian woman
Two French men and one French woman
Two German men and one German woman
Two Greek men and one Greek woman
Two English men and one English woman
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman
Two American men and one American woman
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a minage a trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry,
and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.
The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery.
They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters
of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a goddamn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this god-forsaken deserted island in the middle of f--king nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping!!!
A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Melbourne. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a devon sandwich!!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen Darlin, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."
A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?"
His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capatilism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."
So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his daiper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."
"You do? Tell me."
"OK, while capatilism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!"
One day Little Sally got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Joey.
When she found Joey she told him what was happeing, but he didn't quite understand so she showed him what her problem was.
Joey's face got very serious and he said, "You know, I'm no doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
Pat was lying on his deathbed, moaning and carrying on.
"Mike," he says, "I know I'm a goner."
"Oh, Paddy, have faith, ye still have years ahead uv yuh."
"No, Mick, I'm finished an' you've been such a great friend, there's one thing I'd like yuh to do when I'm gone."
"Ahh, Paddy, I'll do anything you ask, I swear it to the Saints and the Holy Mother."
"Well, dear friend, I have been saving a jug of fine whiskey that my brother sent me from Cashel some eight years ago, and I would like you to pour it on me grave when I'm buried."
Mike sits silently for a long time and Pat asks again,
"will you o that for yer oldest friend, Mike?"
Mike draws a big breath, sheds a tear, and says, "Ye know I will Pat, but....
would ye mind if I filter it through me kidneys first?'
Yeah, I actually thought about changing the latter to "Newfie", since I thought it fitted better. :-) Then again, I did not know if anyone else would know what a "Newfie" was. The former is one of my favorite jokes, though.
Hmmm, after reading some comments in other threads, it suddenly occured how "Married with Children" addresses them. Okay, the show exagerates quite a bit, but most American men easily identify with "Al Bundy".
How about when Al explains why beer commercials invariably include sexy women.
Marcy: But unlike Evolution, I'm not letting you off the hook Al. Now can you tell me what a woman's body has to do with selling beer?
Al: All right.
One - If it wasn't for beer, there would be at least three people, who probably wouldn't be married - Me, Jefferson, and probably Lisa Marie Presley.
Two - Since men buy beer, advertisers have to cater to what we want. And hold on to your corncob pipe - we like pretty women.
Pretty women sell beer.
Ugly women sell tennis rackets
Pretty women - cars
Ugly women - minivans
Pretty women make us buy beer
Ugly women make us *drink beer*!
A couple, both aged 70, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
The doctor charged them $82 for the session. This happened several weeks in a row: the couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems, pay the doctor, and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man replied, "We're not trying to find anything out. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Sheraton charges $90 and the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $82, and I get $68 back from Medicare."
Phil and Jill have been married for many years, but they are now in divorce court.
The judge asks, "Phil, is it true that during the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?"
Phil replies, "Yes, your Honor, that is correct."
"And how do you explain this unusual conduct?" the judge inquires.
Phil replies, "I didn't want to interrupt her, your Honor."
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for a bottom deodorant.
"Sorry, we don't sell bottom deodorant," the pharmacist replies, struggling to keep from laughing.
"But I always buy it here," the blonde says. "I bought one last month."
Thinking quickly, the pharmacist suggests, "I don't know what you bought before, maybe you can bring in the empty container next time."
"Sure," the blonde replies. "I'll bring it with me tomorrow."
The next day, the blonde walks into the shop again and hands the pharmacist an almost empty stick of deodorant. "This is just normal deodorant," the pharmacist tells the blonde, "You use it under your arms."
"No, it is not," the blonde answers, "It says so here: To apply, push up bottom."
There is a joke above about the divorce of Phil and Jill... I guess this was some time before the divorce... LOL
After a night of drinking, Phil was driving home from the pub and was pulled over. The officer came up to the car and asked for his license and registration, which he gladly handed over.
"Phil, have you been out to the pub tonight?" the officer asked.
"Aye officer that I have, I won't be lying to ya. I have been out to the pub tonight indeed," Phil responded.
"And did you have a bit much to drink tonight?"
"Aye, officer, I suppose I did have a bit much to drink, yes. Is this why you went and pulled me over?"
"Well no, actually," the officer said in wonder, "it's about your wife. After you took that last corner there, she fell right out of the car, she did."
"Oh thank you for telling me, officer, I thought that I was going deaf."
A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. Doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.
A country doctor was finally able to cure him and as the doctor was leaving after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it and if it is humanly possible I'll get it for you."
"Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs that would be fine." With that the doctor left.
The doctor didn't hear from the Texan millionaire for some months. Then one day he got a phone call from the millionaire. "Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of them didn't have swimming pools and I didn't think they were good enough for ya. So I had pools installed and they're all ready for you now!"
There once was a man who went on an expedition and he found a beautiful vase. It said "Rub Me" so he did. Out popped a genie.
The genie said to the man, "I will grant you one wish." The guy said, "I thought I got 3 wishes?"
But the genie said, "No. One, take it or leave it!"
The guy said, "I'LL TAKE IT, I'LL TAKE IT!!"
So the guy thinks hard and says, "I am afraid of flying so I want you to build me a Freeway from my house to Hawaii."
The genie says, "Are you nuts!!! Do you have any idea of the concrete, steel, engineering, and effort required in making that?!"
So the guy thinks hard again and says, "Ok -- Ok."
He finally come up with a wish for the genie.
The guy says, "I want to learn all about women. How they think? How come they keep dumping me? And how I can make them love me so I can keep them?"
So the genie thinks and thinks and thinks and finally
the genie says to the man.....
Life In Russia
Morris, a Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks. The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two years to the exact week.
The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again. "Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?" The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday.
Morris thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman. "I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?" Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday. "That's a relief !" says Morris. "The plumber is coming that morning!"
A very beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a handsome gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
She asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
A father came home and asked where his son was. His wife replied that he was downstairs playing with his new chemistry set. The father was curious, so he wandered downstairs to see what his son was doing.
As he walked down the steps, he heard a banging sound. When he got to the bottom he saw his son pounding a nail into the wall.
He said to his son, "What are you doing? I thought you were playing with your chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?"
His son replied, "This isn't a nail, Dad, it's a worm. I put these chemicals on it and it became as hard as a rock."
His dad thought about it for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what, Son, give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new Volkswagen."
His son quite naturally said, "Sure, why not."
The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked in the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad walked in, so he asked his father where the Volkswagen was.
His dad replied, "It's right there behind the Mercedes. By the way, the Mercedes is from your mother."