The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.... and try saying things like "Yes, I see," and "Yes, go on," and "I understand."
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit... what happened next??"
Gladiator:
Actually, Wynot is in Nebraska.... not Wyoming...
And here in Minnesota, we don't have those little mosquitos that come through the screen on the door like every one thinks... The mosquitos here Open the door, kick you outta your chair, and holler "Get me a Beer, Dammit!"
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I
guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do
that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose
anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a
sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem
and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a
urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer,
he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer
started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which
was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to
wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a
try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his
dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off,
he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug
store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited
the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out
the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water
softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is
using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is
pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And
if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get
better.
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles
lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air.
She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he
said, as gently as he could,
"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?"
asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles'
legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be
easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg
and lift Piddles up to heaven."
Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well.
However, two days later when her father came home from work,
Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this
morning."
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the
girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"
"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning
I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she
was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it
hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would
definitely have gone, Daddy".