I have been in relationships with ladies in my past with childern
so that doesnt scare me.
I was wondering what the childern are like
I mean you hear the old term childern are childern
But I disagree with that Term.
You can have a single mom with no Discipline
Kids are brats and don't lissen. You can have
Both parents and the same can apply also.
And the above applies the the other way around.
I have been in relationships where you couldnt
tell her kids crap without it resulting in a fight.
I have been in relationships where I was the only
giving the discipline.
I Can Imagine it will be hard for A child
Just like when I had to move from a place I lived for a long time.
You adapt and hope for the best and make new friends and I Give
everyone who is in a relationship with kids the ut- most respect.
I could go on with this topic forever, So if you guys want to open up
and share some insight into this Topic I am all ears.
I grew up for many years without A dad Till I was 10 so
I know about Adjustment.
David
Kids are kids world over. The majority of the children are well behaved and a little reserved but you have to remember they don't know you. You just have to be adult and patient.
1st thing to remember, the ladies child will be Priority Number: 1 too her. You will NEVER take that position from that child. Both women I have been with, had been on their own rearing there daughters for 9 years.
So the chances are, you will be dealing with a child that has not had 2 parents for best part of their lives.
My 1st lady's girl was 12, things were good for starters, then the daughter felt she had to divide her mother with someone else, and she started to rebel a little.
The lady I am with now, her daughter is 17, and NO problems, we are very good friends and she was actually responsible for getting her mother to join dating site and picking me (well the mother actually picked me, but was to nervous and shy to hit the "I like" button, so her daughter did it for her)
So it will depend on the sex and age of the child and of course how long the child has had exclusive rights to its Mama.
My daughter is 9 and her and my lady had a very rough start. There still getting used to eachother. I can imagine if your lady brings one with her it must be just as hard if not worse, because you have to think they probably will need to learn a new language besides all the adjusting
This is an excellent subject.
I had problems with Alina in March. She was sullen withdrawn and offish. However everything deep down is ok, I have been convinced by Marina. She is 12 and is shy with me and only at first glance sullen and uncommunicative. However it is balanced by the fact that she asks mum if she can talk to me about Stonehenge, Aztec pyramids etc. She is fascinated by the fact that I have been to many of the 'mysterious' places in the world. Eventally she will open up and we will chat but it is too early yet. It is going to take time.
It will go better when they come over and we go fishng and kite flying and she gets to taste what a dad is all about.
Yes there has to be dicipline and I have discussd this with Marina. I haven't had a straight answer yet. When I go in July it is one of the subjects that has to be discussed. There must be no misunderstanding. A child can destroy a reationship quicker than wink.
We the parents come first the child is secondary. If we are not united, stable and strong it will be no good for the little girl. Let us face it parenthood is at it's best when it is a sort of extremely benign despotism. It is what a child wants. They need strength and guidance.
It is a crap shoot though. At 12 she is one child at 15 she will be another and I am praying that American culture doesn't suck the little girl charm out of her. Today on TV I saw a movie about a 11 year old girl with a boyfriend trying to mimic the adult world. Alina still plays with her dolls all the time. She is very much a little girl. I hope it stays that way and America doesn't rob her of being a kid.
My experience with the daughter (10 years old) of a lady I was seeing was very positive. She was very well behaved and actually was very excited and anxious to see me the first time. We got along extremely well and she was very loving with me. Unfortunately the relationship with the mother did not work out and I was very sad to loose the bond I had with the daughter. Even though she did not speak English, we actually understood each other better than I did with her mother....I guess she could relate to me. I trully miss her now.
:) Iz you are good man and I know she will love you and like you said it does take time and adjustment, and the both of you two will learn together and grow as one.
I worked for my stepdad and boy let me tell you times were tough
but in the long run we pulled together and have a good relationship today.
That is the Key to understand one another, Like I stated I have been in relationships twice with ladies with kids and there never was the proper
Mix between Me and the women.
I hope American Culture doesnt suck her in also, I hope she can teach
young kids about the other side of the world.
Izi- All you have to do is give Alina some time. I know that you are not the first person to be presented to her as her potential stepfather. She will warm up to you only when you win her trust as a person who will always be there for her. Forget about trying to shield her from American culture. The only way to do that would be to not allow her any friends. Her friends will have a larger impact on her cultivation than you can imagine. In my own opinion, if she is living in America, let her live as an American.
You and her mother should just keep her walking the right path.
Dale
I agree with you completely and that is the plan. You are repeating word for word what Marina says. I have come to understand this. Remember that thread about being down but not out? Ok, largely all those things have been put to bed now. This is one of them. I am glad I stuck it out and didn't throw the towel in like I was going to.
You have a big advantage over most of us and that is you have ran into many problems and have managed to work them out. Everything for Jenia and I has been like a Fairy tale and sooner or later problems will arise. I am not too worried about it though because Jenia is a very mature acting woman and smart also. I tend to agree with her more than I agree with myself. :o)
you hit the nail on the head. Kids adapt quick, learn a lang even quicker, but picking up what's 'going' they do lightning fast. Izi won't stand a chance to 'steer' this, especially not in the beginning when Alina is going to suck in 'new' things. And remember Izi, you will be part of the latter, so only Marina will have to monitor her then. Sure, you'll comment but without critisizing, and as long as the houserules are adhered to let her get to know her new environment.
Then also, her schooling will have a seperate impact on her. May I suggest you predominantly help her here? No quicker way bonding-wise let me tell you, assuming you're patient enough.
Kids are easy guys, it's what kids are. Don't correct from a dazzling height, be consequent and comment rather than forbid, and volunteer to help. Then respect is earned - the only effective way, it cannot be forced.
This all being my very personal opinion of course. Way better than trying to assume the 'role' of father, and I know of guys really having forced this down. To no avail of course, and going hand in hand with friction within the family, also with his wife who logically senses 'her' area is invaded. Let it go, go with the flow and moderate only, police only the houserules which have been determined by everybody's consent, and help anywhere you can. 'Father' you'll never be for obvious reasons, but you may get lucky to become considered as one.
TD
I couldn't agree more. You have hit the nail on the head. I have already decided that this is an evolutionary thing not something to be forced. You are right about her soaking up America, there isn't much I can do. I will just be there and put my best foot forward and follow Marina's lead.
There still has to be solidarity between the two of us. I don't think this will be a problem. It has been discussed and she seems to be encouraging it.
Many of these kids from the FSU seem to have a situation where they are from a divorced family or on occasion dad died. We all know the stuff about FSU men so I'm not going to repeat it. Marina's case was a little different but from the same mold. From what I have seen so far they don't mind a step father. They grow to love them and treat them as a normal father. Of course there are no hard and fast rules but that is what I am shooting for. I think it will be ok.
Most kids have very keen skills of perception. This innocent precursor of adulthood is strong with original observation at a young age. It is really one day at a time gaining their respect and trust. Alina will see how much you love mama,and she will feel comfortable with you,and happy for Mat. It is a nice situation despite whatever kind of matrimonial baggage goes along with it. You are not daddy,necessarilly,but the kind and benevolent father figure the child never had. It is an enviable position,and one I have personally wanted for a long time-to feel integral to family,really connected,and appreciated for what I am worth. Now I need to tell my boss this in the morning....