as to $150 or $200. i do believe- the more money u give the better. sorry to say that but i would never marry the guy like u who does not care at all what the life of my parents s. i makes me think such people have no soul and heart... actually, i never said the wife must transfer her husband's money and not hers.
I think you may have mixed Nobodyknows up with another poster. I do not see where she posted a 200 dollar figure. in your post Send: 08.11.2007 18:41:04 you reference Nobodyknows but appear to be referring to a man's previous post.
She is giving you her opinion and how she as an FSU woman feels. I feel this opinion is valuable in this discussion. And whether it cost $40 for an apartment or $50 for utilities that is still a large portion of the pension.
The part that seems strange to me is that you and nobodyknows seem to be on the same side of this issue but you attack her because of minute points. This makes me wonder if you made a typographical error in referencing her post when you meant to reference a different one.
actually, i was talking not abt the money of foreign grooms:))) i just wanted to say that russain people take care of their relatives, but nobody makes u spend YR money on yr MIL.
my advice to all of u is never tell yr fsu girlfriend u r indifferent to her parents and will be against financial support for them (again - yr girlfriend will transfer HER money, but of course from the FAMILY budget if u live together), u ll make a very bad impressin on her. better say nothing that say yr truth:)) it scares russian women:)))
Land of oz,
I guess I mistook identities, sorry for that nobodyknows however if, for instance, you have a relation that wins a lottery you do not take, take, take until there is nothing left to take, you should take only what you need. Once the money is spent it's never coming back again, it's gone forever!
It is human nature to stick with what we are comfortable with, what we know, and my mother in law is comfortable thus happy living the way she does.
Sure I spoil her taking her to restaurants, riding around in taxi's rather than the trolley bus, she's living in the most luxurious home that she has ever lived in and she is happy and that makes me happy, I wouldn't want to change that.
Well Nobodyknows... we do see things differently, and that is precisely what I am talking about. I understand both sides of this subject. There has to be an agreement and balance. Why would you get married to someone with out being "upfront" and discussing money matters in the first place? Why should your future husband be somehow surprised that you send money to your parents- whether it be joint, yours or his from a job?
I remember hearing the attitude from other acquaintences we met socially of my ex-wifes ethnicity state "You can get a 1000 husbands, but only one mother and father". With that attitude, it seems to me that the priorities instead of the couple being FIRST- but rather instead: 1.The Children 2. The parents 3. Couple. Is this the mentality of the majority of Ukrainian Women? I hope not.
IMHO (Western view), the couple MUST Be first, and everyone else gets second place. Of course children's needs must be met- but if there isn't a good relationship with husband and wife- the rest is lost!!! Or does it mean that once you are married- you are now secure, taken care of, etc. and your husband is relegated to receiving the table scraps?
Say for example, your mother suddenly becomes ill with cancer and needs treatment say over in France or another country and does not have medical insurance. Your husband has an above average income, and you believe you both could pay her medical bills that might cost $100,000. Does that mean that you would expect your husband to pay for them?
if i said YES, i ll expect my husband to help my parents and pay $100000, u would all say i m a scammer. but whatever u think i say-YES, but guys, it normal for a couple in russia! u r one family, and my parents r the parents to my husband, his parents would be mt parents....
and as to yr statement "1.The Children 2. The parents 3. Couple." i wanted to write it erlier but preferred not to do it not to cause stormy negative reaction:) it S so in the fsu countries. children go first, then parents and then husband. they say "one may have many husbands, but parents and children r yr blood, they will always be with u". but it does not mean that husbands r treated differently than parents or children. for instance, the same is in yr countries - yr wife cheated on u, u divorce her. if yr child does u harm, u ll forgive him cause he is YR CHILD, yr blood....
This issue about what to give/provide in-laws and family relations is a non issue. It is ALL an individual decision between husband and wife. How anyone can say how much your should give or is that enough, is ridiculous. Every situation is different and should be treated that way. I grew up in a family that was always there for grandparents, both sides,( hispanic/spanish culture), it was never a question about money, it was only a question of what is needed( within our means) and taken care of. To generalize, the American way is to put parents/grandparents out to pasture and take care of yourself. I see this in amount of convalescence homes( for old people).
In my opinion, I would give the shirt off my back for my or my wifes parents/grandparents. I would give what is needed, depending on what I have, of course that is just me and everyone has their own way deciding what they will do. Just remember someone gave birth to you and someone raised you, provided for you and hopefully loved you. When you care about someone...actions speak louder than words!!!! Peace!!!!!!!!!!
Nobodyknows When I started this thread I would never imagined that helping out the in-laws would be the hot topic. I thought it would be the idea of not meeting women through agency's since I have enjoyed meeting women there. When I was married to my wife from Mariupol I was treated like a king by my in-laws,and still am, within their means. I do not mind with some small support and continue to do this. It is not much money to me, less than half of one of my car payments per month, but it makes a BIG difference in their lives. I do not see them spending this small amount of money foolishly. It just elevates their life a little. My ex-brother-in-law has a very good job, for a Ukrainian man, as a ships officer and keeps them supplied with a car. With the money I send they can go out to their kitchen garden as often as they need. Once a year they can drive to crimea or somewhere, plus there are some expences with keeping in touch with their daughter that should be covered, phone cards, computer service ect. These are things they did not have to have before their daughter moved half way across the world. I believe if a man does not see he is at least somewhat responsible for this then I do not think he is a candidate for this venture.
As beemer says it's a case of providing what's needed, if the shit hits the fan then one provides what is needed, but earlier in this thread a figure of $500 a month was mentioned, just a routine month, and that is bl00dy ridiculous!
The Good Book says "a man shall leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife and they shall be one.
This " parents first and husband somewhere down the page" is a none starter. I like the idea of the extended family but even in the Russian context, inlaws can be very distructive.
The girl I was close to in Russia had difficulties with her ex inlaws. Mother inlaw didnt think she lick hubbies boots clean enough and caused heaps of trouble until her and her husband split up.
If a girl thinks its parents first and she can have a thousand husbands, well fine, could still be good for a fling, but dont think Im going to spend a dollar bringing you from the other side of the world, to marry you.
Martim, how can u see what yr MIL needs? 1st, u live too far from her and have no idea what problems she may face; 2nd, if u think 1 chicken is more than enough:)...., sorry guys, i have nothing to say here:)))
Adman, i never said the husband is like a pet for fsu women:)) so dont worry, they r respected and loved,loved passionately,with all their hearts, but.. children and parents r much closer to a woman:)they r the one who ll always be with u, stand up for u, and forgive u whatever u did. certainly it depends on a family. in some families the memebers r like enimies.
awaiting other comments of yrs:)) to my mind, the subject has been discussed enough though and other comments of yrs or mine will bring nothing new to it
Adman, I could not have said it better myself. I wish though I could somehow get concrete data and a consensus like a stat if you surveyed 10,000 FSU women and they agreed with Nobodysknows answer. I really would like to know the cultural truth. I don't read the bible, but at least that statement I believe :)) Destructive... you bet. When I asked MIL to go home, MIL asked my wife to choose sides between her and me! Can you believe that? of course after we had her grandchild! She probably was behind taking her away. My MIL was a manipulator and actually over many years caused her children to be indifferent to their father/husband. I watched it. Now history is repeating itself as my ex- is doing that now to our daughter against me, the usual divorce B.S.
I appreciate your Nobodyknows opinion- you are entitled to express it. Scammer never entered my mind, after all you were married. It's just the large expectations. Please don't misconstrue my post- as I did not attack you- if it felt that way, I apologize. I am asking difficult questions and you are nice enough to answer them, thank you!!!!
Guys, I speak from experience in this matter, my wife was sooooo angry and seethed that I did not become the provider for all of the family. AFter all, I was the hardworking American driving on gold plated asphalt streets. The ex expected everything from me, and was jealous of her Friends wimp husbands that took the shirt off their back, let MIL move in, support the family, etc. She hated me silently for this in passive aggressive behaviors for years. I worked my tail off to get where I *was* so ***we*** (me, wife, kid) could have a better life.
Billo, you speak of small expenses, I don't disagree and am always helping people be they relatives, friends etc. Never having expectations, all are gifts. I've given to charity organizations too.
Penny....I don't know if your ex is the exception or the rule. You will find women like that every where. Personally i never had that kind of girl before and any in-laws were respectable. Maybe when looking for your girl you disregarded her behavior, maybe with an open mind you could have forsaw her spoiled & jealous tendencies, just a thought. Guess anytime you find a wife from another country this is a possibility to have a monster for in-laws. My expection is they is a very good chance a foreign bride will like the MIL to stay over if there is no father alive, so expect it.
How can you say, with any knowledge, that I have no idea of what problems Mama may face?
You don't know but, obviously unlike some, I have a relationship where husband and wife talk to each other. Since I met my wife she has been supporting Mama, whatever may have been Mama's problems became wife's problems which we shared with each other.
Indeed some 6 months after I met my wife Mama's fridge/freezer, a seriously old one, had packed up, I knew of it and I could see it was playing on wife's mind, to the effect, 'how the hell was she going to sort the problem out'. Before she could say anything to me I frog-marched her to the electrical store and bought a new fridge/freezer.
That was over 3 years ago, in comparison to now at a time when we barely knew each other, so please don't go preaching to me that I have no idea, I am very much involved in family matters, after all I am, and they consider me, part of the family.
Beemer, I imagine the deceitful nature of her culture is part of it. Thought I logically made the right choice after a year of correspondence. Family was well off (compared to the cesspool conditions surrounding the other parts ot the city) But even though I was in love at 23, I could not have a live-in arrangement with her as what is normal these days. We never did a test drive before signing the paperwork either. Fortunately we handled the road pretty well. LOL. So we never "dated" without a chaperone in person, as normally you'd do. I thought we were a perfect match, but after she arrived and we started living together did I realize the issues.
MIL visiting is fine, but must have an agreed start and end date to the visit. No open ended arrangements. Have the RT plane ticket purchased for say 2-3 month visit.
My idea this time around is to find the right lady and live in the Ukraine with her for a long period of time, before ever getting married. Wish it was not so cold though, I'm spoiled being from So. Cal.
Badpenny...OK so you are young. I do not know why you are not picking off the hotties at Oceanside or LA. But if you think the people live in cesspool conditions then stop now. These conditions are not less than most US. Your water in so. Cal is sent over the mountains and by the rest of us in the midwest is barely drinkable. So do not call others cesspool.
Please Billo......... Please.... read all my the posts, I won't post any personal attacks and find such a waste of my time. I am trying not to repeat the same information in previous posts....*****my ex-wife was from the far east***** that is where she was from, not the Ukraine.
Kiev is a beautiful place, I would never say anything derogatory about it at all. If I thought it sucked why would I spend time on this board, I do have a life....
I was there in September, I don't know if you read my earlier posts.
I loved it so much that I want to live there. OK?
Have you ever been to Tijuana before???? How about Manila? Jakarta?, Malaysia? Or Thailand? Tijuana? Sao Paulo?, Rio up in the hills... I've been all over the world, ok? These places have areas where the unfortunate ones live in cardboard houses, poverty and grime. It's awful. The corrupt Gov't does not spend money or care about cleaning up. The canals and rivers look like baby Sh** brown everywhere, so did some of the food too. It's a fact- go there and discover. Actually the diesel fumes from city busses, you can smell stepping out of the plane.
I am 48, no missing hair or teeth, 30lb's overweight. Average to above average looks and I don't like fake girls with fake breasts in nightclubs. Plastic surgery gives me indigestion. Oceanside has nothing going on, except if you are a Marine and are forced to live there. I spent my youth from 17 to 23 in all the LA and Hollywood clubs partying before getting married, I am also a musician and played all over this area. I proudly state that So. Cal. people have the political influence to take the water from other places- money does buy happiness ;-) LOL. If it were not for Mullholland, this place would be a desert. The real estate is some of the most expensive in the U.S., it has some of the most snobbish people you'd ever meet too. But that's not me.