Hey everyone! Im home now with the wife for the last few days what a rollercoaster of a week.
I was flying out early from Dublin with Malev at 730 am. Leaving the house quite early ( i live maybe 90mins from airport.) there was terrible black frost on the main road and over 20 cars were involved in minor accidents with traffic down to 10km per hour. So arriving in the airport I missed the flight as I arrived at 650. The malev
rep said to ring malev at 9 so that my return wouldnt be cancelled. I went to a different airline and payed through the ass for a single over. And at 9 rang Malev to be told why didnt I ring at 7 as now my return was cancelled ,I explained that I was told to ring at 9 so she said go down to the rep and have her ring them. This I did to be met by a very agressive woman who refused to admit this or talk to her colleagues on the phone so after a hour I had to pay once again for a single back with Malev.
I was supposed to arrived at 1130 in budapest and go with my brother and his partner to Ukraine but I arrived to late so we left it till the next day. Leaving early we were met by my wife in the train station and a friend of hers Oleg.. Basically her friend brought us all over the region castles and moutains etc for the few days it was great to spend time all together and my wife has fluent Hungarian so she and my brothers Hungarian gf got on great.At the end of the week Oleg refused any money except for 20 euros for petrol and yet he brought us the 40 mins journey too and back from trainstation and drove us around for the few days. (ha he also took me too his workplace where he is a building site supervisor it was funny to see the difference here on a work site than at home so relaxed i was bombarded with questions by the workers and it was fun they took me too a bar (during work) and to a building supplier telling everyone who I was)
We all heading back to Budapest together on Tuesday and no problems with Hungarian Immigration my wife had obtained a transit visa which allowed her to enter and leave Hungary for 3 days. She has some relations in Hungary and they brought us out to a lovely Hungarian restraunt and I tried alot of traditional foods and wines and at the end of the night they refused to allow me even to pay half.! All is like a dream and Ive never been happier in my life we came back to Ireland two days ago no problems with immigration we chatted and guy was really nice told her she had to sign on in police station within 3 months. Overall she is very emotional and im trying to be the best I can for her everything I give she gives back to me x10 its not easy all here is totally different for her we went shopping yesterday and got some warmer clothes etc for her she is very particular with what she buys and unless it is something she thinks she can use alot we dont buy for example jeans for 65 euros she said were just not value. While we were in Budapest for 3 days we lived very cheaply and I spent virtually nothing at the moment we both take turns cooking which she finds strange as she wants to just do everything but I would never want this. She crys sometimes for her family and friends and I just tell her how brave she is and hug her and how much I love her and I will get a Skype phone today which I hope will help too. Its not easy at all her leaving home I didnt expect it to be so hard for her we went out last night and met all my friends etc but shes not into bars and stuff so we didnt stay out late.
Anyone have any suggestions or advice Id love to hear thanks!
Colin: Thinking back a little here. Get Skype NOW, don’t wait for tomorrow, get a GOOD webcam if you haven’t one already. Get some RU or UA cable TV or internet streaming. (Won’t matter to her now if it is UA or RU, when out of their home land it is all one, even if they fight like cats and dogs across borders when at home).
Suck your guts up and be silent, she’ll cry and then some at times, often when you least expect it. Forget the stoic FSU thing, they are the most emotional beings on earth once the facade comes down. They make frugality an art form so shopping is hell. Everything must be examined to the last stitch or spot depending if it is clothing or fruit. Don’t be surprised if she spends two hours deciding on a simple pair of jeans, gets them home, decides there is one stitch uneven in some obscure place and demands you take her back so she can return them. Fussy takes on a whole new meaning with these girls.
The kitchen. Get OUT now…!! Stay OUT forever..!! “MY” kitchen takes on a new meaning with FSU women. More importantly, dude, right now she needs something to call her own and something to prove her worth. The kitchen is probably the one place she feels confident. Let her have that to herself. She is trying desperately to understand her own emotions, to get herself sorted out, to be a wife and is probably feeling most inadequate. Don’t take from her the one lifeline she is holding. BTW, my Mrs is more than happy for me to cook or whatever, but that is a lifetime after the stage your Mrs is at right now.
Plan a minimum of 2-3 hours for the supermarket. She needs to explore. She, almost certainly will not want to buy more than 1 of anything. Shop for today and live for today is the mentality generally. That will change but it takes time.
Have a daily plan. We ARE going here or we ARE going to do this or that today. There NEEDS to be something, even something little everyday for her to look forward to. You have a month old baby in the body (And argumentative FSU mind) of a fully grown adult on your hands right now. You are her TOTAL lifeline for EVERYTHING.
Get some things happening pronto. If language needs improvement, get her enrolled and started IMMEDIATELY. Get her set up with an ATM card and make sure she is familiar with the process. You MUST set her up with a weekly allowance and you MUST discuss it first. I can assure you, she will draw 100% of her weekly allowance which you won’t understand, BUT she will spend less than that and she WILL develop a stash of cash somewhere that you don’t know about. It’s in them and it’s the way they are. Mrs has a healthy bank balance but still has an unbanked stash which is probably thousands by now. We laugh about it but she can’t bring herself not to do that. Set up a weekly grocery budget and give her card access to the funds. Work towards her gaining some independence and returning to that strong woman you came to know and love.
Imagine how demeaning it is for these girls who are strong enough to pack up all and move country only to find themselves feeling totally helpless and confused. Set up little steps forward for her and make sure they happen. You need to adopt a role of something between lover, father and manager for a while. If you fail to take on those roles, you can bet you’ll be seeing the back end of her on a plane home at some stage.
Buy patience whenever it is on discount sale. You will need truckloads of it. After a little settling in, you are assured of the toughest year you’ve ever lived and it might get slightly easier during the second year but don’t count on it. Good luck, welcome to “Reality Street”. By the way, it will be worth every shred of effort you put in once you get really established as a couple together.
Colin good luck my friend. All I can say is be patient. You will have to give up a lot of your personal time to help her with many things. It is a hell of a thing to leave everything you have known all your life and move to a strange place. Especially where the culture and language are totally different.
Skype is good, keep her in touch with her language as much as possible. It makes the transition easier. I don't know about Ireland but here in the states with satellite I have access to many Russian speaking TV channels. It's a godsend for my wife. It gives here a piece of home here. It won't be long with your assistance and guidance that the difficulties in the early transition will go away. I understand how you feel, it is an incredible feeling.
Give her responsibilities so she feels like she's a contributor. Even if it is something as simple as an english language course. Mine was the general contractor of our home remodeling. Yes Ukrainian women change their minds often also.
Key word is Patience, good luck and Godspeed to you and the Mrs.
Hi Colin...thanks for sharing your story...I enjoy reading about everyone's experiences because it can be something I can learn from. I chuckled about your terrible start to your trip( Murphy's Law of things going wrong) but glad everything else went great. I was expecially interested in your wife's thoughts on living in a different culture, must have been hard on you to see her weep. I would think it is hardest in beginning with the better days are ahead. I do agree to keep her mind busy, maybe some projects( nasfan had good idea) because the more she thinks about home the sadness will come back.
god its hard woke up this morning I made the bed tears on the pillow. Im not used to being so worried about someone breaks my heart. Great tips dun I will do them straight away except for the kitchen I cooked last night and it was appreciated, nite before she cooked.
I hate this awful weather we went for a drive to a new shopping center and she looked great hair done etc terrible rain came in and we were like wet rats she was silent all this way home.
Not bad to me just emotional etc we hug alot and I tell her shes brave and I love her.
I discussed the cards and told her wed do it next week and Id help her pay some money she owes for a pc etc back home not much though. I hope shes better before a year I that seems like along time. I dont try anything phyical with her but being men we do want. To be honest her being with me is the greatest pleasure I went out last night and she looked great but being emotional as sad as she is Id feel like I was using her.
Holding onto me everywhere we go. She looks on me to make decisions all the time which im not used to even down to simple things as foods. Even though her English is perfect and shes very strong willed
happy to see shes making small changes around the house. She dosnt like bars at all we went to some really new and very good bars ,too busy too noisey was all I heard. My friends made good efforts to talk to her though the type of people I like are friendly and good people and all made a effort. I went to a guy I knows work place to may be double date as hes married to a Ukrainain girl and it might help her. Otherwise the two of us get on great similar interests in food and things and she treats me so good.
Yes thanks nas hints appreciated I sold the house and bought a brand new central apartment everything done a class. Shes really happy with it I guess the English classes are a must my friend offered a job etc to her but she seems to have lost her drive temporaily. Beemer I asked what does she think of the
place here and she says she dosnt know its like being inside a movie and not real.!
I will update though!
Colin: For what it is worth, you have nothing strange. What you are describing is bringing back so many memories. Other decent guys I know married to decent FSU women describe the same things. What you are seeing is fairly usual. Boy, this hanging onto you wherever you walk is EXACTLY as was / is Mrs. She was / is a very self confident person, had modeled extensively, had a solid career and made her own way but she would / will lean on me at any opportunity. It takes time, a lot of time.
You will find being husband in one of these marriages is actually quite a lonely place for a while. You need to be very focused on the future and maintain the drive to march forward without showing the slightest sign of wavering. I can tell you, there was a thousand times when I asked myself whether or not I’d done the right thing.
Leadership or being “A Man” is the key to the FSU girls in an international marriage. I’ve read so much BS from “stand over merchants” on this subject and it comes down to demonstrating confidence in yourself, confidence in your purpose together, you making even the tiniest decisions for a long time but yet being prepared to stop and listen when she argues the point for no logical reason, you planning and pushing (Gently) her every move for a while. One of the most important things is showing economic leadership. Budgeting is quite unusual for many FSU women (Never had a secure income to budget with) but it is something they catch onto very quickly. Sit her down, go through the family income, show her exactly where it goes, lay out a weekly / monthly budget including her allowance in every detail. Generally these girls are fairly well educated and will catch onto it very quickly. I remember doing this with Mrs and it didn’t take more than about an hour and I found her back at my computer studying the excel spreadsheet. I just watched from a distance. Another hour and I was bluntly informed we needed to eat more potato and pasta because we could save some money. We were / are not rich but we are certainly not poor either and I found it quite amusing at the time because the least of my concerns at that time was the grocery budget…!!!
I can’t stress “IMMEDIATELY” enough with anything you do. For example, ATM cards, don’t use phrases like “Honey we’ll do this next week” if today is Saturday. Next week is a lifetime away when she is in the emotional state she is right now. Tomorrow is far enough away. She is struggling from minute to minute and hour to hour. You need to be much more precise. Honey, we are going Monday at 10.00 to order your ATM card, we are going to XYZ bank (If you can find a stable one in today’s climate LOL) because I have researched and this bank provides the most economic service, the best interest rate on our money etc etc Rah Rah. Get it? You need to be decisive but those decisions need to have justifications she can understand and more importantly come to have confidence in you and respect you for. The economic aspect of your leadership will be vitally important to the way in which she views you as her leader in the longer term and very important to her confidence in you right now.
The 60 Euro jeans. Honey this is the usual price here and we have the money anyway so go ahead and buy them would be the dumbest way to approach the subject. Just because you have a few quid in your pocket / bank won’t mean a thing to her. Right now, loaded bank accounts are probably fairly much a dream which she never believed she would attain. They are something rich people have and I am not a rich woman. My salary of $400 / month must stretch. Don’t push her to buy them. Let her walk, study, observe and think. Believe me, she WILL be thinking, overtime.
As for paying out credit on her computer or whatever, I’d suggest you don’t talk too much about it but rather pick your moment (Soon) and do it. Don’t expect her to fall all over you for it but it will be one thing off her mind and she will appreciate it I suspect. Actions speak loader than words as it were. As for the physical side, it is a subject better not discussed on forums in general but for what it is worth, don’t be too backed off or she might find that rather worrying. As with all other aspects, you need to be and be seen as the leader. Believe me, once she finds her feet, it is an area of your marriage where you will NOT want…!!! To make their man happy in this area is almost a point of pride with these girls. You won’t leave the house wanting.
The next days and weeks will be difficult and then you most likely will find a period of a few months where you feel you are over the worst. In fact you probably are but there will be a period at some stage, maybe 6 months, maybe a year, where she falls into virtual depression and that is a really tough time. She will hate everything, nothing will be as good as UA, the doctors are no good, the shops are expensive, everything is better in UA. Live with it and handle it how you will. My approach of “If it is so effing good in RU, here’s the money for a ticket, piss off and live there” is probably not the most advisable approach LOL. Nevertheless, my patience was at an all time low and that’s what I did. Stretch the period between now and the first trip back home as long as possible, a year or more if possible and by that time the memories have every UA street paved with gold. The reality of the shock when she does go back home will be enough to banish the “UA is wonderful” talk forever.
Keep looking forward, right now a minute or an hour is a long time. If you have the offer of a job for her and she can work legally, I strongly encourage you to push her towards it asap. This would be a coup in the bigger scheme of things for her to get a decent job early on. A huge step towards her feeling independent. It is one of the biggest hurdles for any migrant to overcome and these girls are no exception.
Dunromin....am I wrong or do you and your Mrs live in russia or there abouts?
If so, did you at one time bring a girl to live in your country, I am sorry I don't know where you are from.
Great day today I had my 7 yr old boy for the night last night and it was the 1st meeting my sister came and sat with the wife while I collected him, the wife was down before hand but when I came
back she was in great form when I came back I dont know what was said but my sister moved to oz a while back and maybe they helped each other. So today it rained again but we all 3 of us walked took pictures fed swans and ducks and had a great time she laughed alot I got my dog from the kennels (doberman) and a instant love affair began so much so she sat in the back with the dog while traveling etc. Back home and borsh cooked and Dun she wouldnt allow me into kitchen she cooked and cleaned. Time for my kid to go home she was sad and said why cant he stay longer?
Oh when I was collecting my son I went into 24 hr Tesco and low and behold webcam and skype phone
brought it back she had no interest in it but I set it up and suddenly she was connected via webcam to her friend in Czech Rep and spent 3 hrs on it. Then I setup webcalls and she rang all in Ukraine thanks for the tip Skype should have been done immediately! At the moment shes uploading pics from today onto her russian facebook! and calls me every now and then to help! We are having a double date at 6 with a friend who has a Ukranian gf he bores me to tears but wife is very excited. Phew day 3 over hard work but im so happy!
as for the shopping a large sale on in another store she got the jeans reduced from 60 to 28 and was overjoyed saw some more things but said too much and like you said over 3 hrs shopping and nothing bought. Ha yes does the thread thing and if a piece of glue on garment or shoe is seen then it has to be cheap and no good.
Beemer: If you consider Australia “Thereabouts” to Russia then I guess I could say yes because that is where we spend 99 % of our time. There have been many sojourns in Russia but with kids now in pre school they are becoming fewer and further between. Yes I did once bring a girl from Russia, I married her shortly after and unless my eyes deceive me the same girl was asleep on the pillow next to me when I woke up this morning.
Colin: Brilliant…!!! Your sister having moved country and them sharing thoughts on that is simply perfect…!! That’s a master stroke, even if only by accident. Don’t ask what passed between them, let her have her “Women’s Secrets”. By the way, they do love to have visitors “In” and if your wife is not a “Clubby” sort of person, perhaps more visitors in house is the way to go. Mrs likes to go out, but she certainly loves to entertain in house.
Quote: “Phew day 3 over hard work but im so happy!” Hang in there, the pace is just starting to increase. You will find yourself tired and exhausted beyond imagination for much of the next year or so if she is a stayer. This will be the toughest year of your life. Just hold the thought when you are feeling spent and she is testing your patience to the limit and beyond that it is nothing unusual. One of the struggles is that it will be several years down the track before she realises just how tough it was for you. Don’t expect her to have a clue about that right now.
Make sure she calls family and friends often. Mrs has gotten a bit slack on it now, but I still remind her to call her mother and father every day. I tried letting it slide for a while once and I noticed her “drifting”. The Skype and webcam thing has been a real winner. How I wish we had it early on.
Colin,
With regards to your initial problem there is a lot to be said for taking an airport hotel before an early flight. I only live an hour from Birmingham airport but for an early flight the other week I took an airport hotel for £45, it allowed myself to carry on drinking until well in to the evening and I got a wake-up call also.
Danny shes 25 never left home before and also a only child and very close to her mother my sister went to oz and was the very same! Everything here she says is totally different.
Today was good we went to a old city alot of things to see and do ( the dog had to go of course)
this is a public forum . if i have a question to ask colin i will and i dont care what especilly you or your other three monkeys think .
unlike you i dont need the computer to find wife mates or a life .
last time i spoke to colin his wife was visiting only for vacation and then returning to the ukrain for study ect .
ooo, ooo, eee, eee! [Monkey for "Even a monkey can spell better than you."]
So hard few weeks from day one said she wanted to home Ive been as good as I can my sister and family have embraced her we get on great but shes like a trapped bird in a cage. And as they say if you love something to let it free so I said she can go home for as long as she wants and come back to me when she feels better. Hurts though!