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	Create New Topic   My Posts   My forum buddies   Invite friends   Private messages Russian brides > Main Forum > English Humour Author Post scottlf Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/9/2004 4:38:17 PM   [by Rowan Atkinson] Headmaster: Well now, Mr.Perkins. It was good of you to come in. I realise that you're a busy man, but I didn't think this matter could be discussed over the electric telephone. Mr Perkins: No. No, absolutely, Headmaster, I mean, if Tommy is in some sort of trouble, then I'd like to nip it in the bud. Headmaster: Well, quite frankly, Tommy is in trouble. Recently his behaviour has left a great deal to be desired. Mr Perkins: Dear. Headmaster: He seems to take no interest in school life whatsoever. He refuses to muck in at the sports field. And it's weeks since any master has received any written work from him. Mr Perkins: Oh, dear me. Headmaster: Quite frankly, Mr Perkins, if he wasn't dead, I'd have him expelled. Mr Perkins: I beg your pardon? Headmaster: Yes, EXPELLED! If I wasn't making allowances for the fact that your son is dead, he'd be out on his ear! Mr Perkins: You mean he's dead? Headmaster: Yes... He's lying up there in sick bay now, stiff as a board and bright green, and this is, I fear, typical of his current attitude. You see, the boy has no sense of moderation: one moment he's flying around like a paper kite, and the next moment he's completely immovable. And beginning to smell. Mr Perkins: Well, how did he die?! Headmaster: Well, is that important? Mr Perkins: Why, yes, I think so! Headmaster: Well... Well... Well, it's all got to do with the library, you see. We've had a lot of trouble recently with boys taking out library books without library cards. Your son was caught, and I administered a beating, during which he died. But you'll be glad to know... You'll be glad to know that the ringleader was caught, so I don't think we'll be having any trouble with library discipline. You see, the library card system... Mr Perkins: I'm sorry... Headmaster: ...was... Mr Perkins: You beat my son to death? Headmaster: Yes, yes, so it would seem. Please, I'm not used to being interrupted. You see, the library card system was introduced... Mr Perkins: Well, exactly what happened? Headmaster: Well, apparently, boys were just slipping into the library and taking the books! Mr Perkins: No, during the beating! Headmaster: Oh, that? Well...well, one moment he was bending over, the next moment he was lying down, I mean, er... Mr Perkins: Dead? Headmaster: Mmm... deadish! ... Mr.Perkins, I find this morbid fascination with your son's death quite disturbing. What I'm talking about is his attitude! And quite frankly, I can see where he gets it from. Mr Perkins: Well, it wasn't me that beat my son to death! Headmaster: Well, that was perfectly obvious to me from the first day he arrived here. I wondered then, as I wonder now, if he might not have turned out a very different boy indeed if you had administrated a few fatal beatings earlier. Mr Perkins: Are you mad!? Headmaster: I'm FURIOUS! In order to accommodate the funeral, I had to cancel afternoon school on Wednesday! Mr Perkins: This is preposterous! Headmaster: Yes, it is. Or at least, it would be...if it were true. Mr Perkins: ...What? Headmaster: I've been joking, Mr Perkins. Pardon me, it's my strange academic sense of humour. I've been pulling your leg. Mr Perkins: Oh, thank God! Headmaster: I wouldn't cancel afternoon school to bury that little sh*t! scottlf Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/9/2004 4:41:37 PM   I would still qualify one of the funniest Mr. Bean skits where he is painting a room by putting an explosive in a paint can and leaving the room. Too bad he forgot he took the doorknobs off before droping the explosive. I loosing my composure now thinking about the unpainted outline in the shape of a human body on the wall. Ditto Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/9/2004 4:44:52 PM   That fatal beating sketch is by far his best. I have all his tapes. scottlf Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/9/2004 5:14:47 PM   This was great, too! The Devil Introduces Hell ------------------------- Hello, nice to see you all again. Now, as the more perceptive of you have probably realised by now, this is Hell, and I am the Devil. Good evening. You can call me Toby, if you like - we try and keep things informal here, as well as infernal. That's just a little joke. Now, you're all here for eternity, which I hardly need tell you is a sod of a long time, so you get to know everyone pretty well by the end, but for now I'm going to have to split you up into groups. Are there any questions? Yes? Um, no, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets... if you'd read your Bible you would have seen that it was damnation without relief. So, if you didn't go before you came then I'm afraid you're not going to enjoy yourself very much... but then, I believe that's the idea. Right, let's split you up then. Can you all hear me still? CAN YOU HEAR ME AT THE RACK? All right, off we go... Murderers, over here. Looters and pillagers - over there please, thieves if you could join them, and bank managers... Fornicators, if you could step forward - my God there are a lot of you. Could I split you up into adulterers and the rest? Adulterers if you could just form a line in front of that small guillotine there. Okay... Americans, are you here? Look, I'm sorry about this, apparently God had some fracas with your founding fathers and damned the entire race into perpetuity. He sends particular condolences to the Mormons who He realises put in a lot of work. That's the way the wafer crumbles. The Iranians, I'm afraid, can't be with us - someone's been holding them in purgatory for about nine months. Sodomites, over there against the wall. Atheists! Atheists? Over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of charlies. Okay, and Christians! Christians? Ah yes, I'm sorry, I'm afraid the Jews were right. Okay, Moonies, maniacs, marmite eaters, male models, masochists, mass murderers and masseurs, if you could take a pew at the back - with the Methodists that is. Now, you're the lot who used to kill whales, is that right? Ah, yes, I must remember - I've got some strips to tear off you bastards later. Everyone who saw Monty Python's "Life of Brian" - I'm afraid He can't take a joke after all. Alright now, one final thing. We're trying to implement some kind of exchange scheme with the Lord God Almighty, or Cliff as we know him. Some of you will travel up and have a decade in heaven and we're having some angels down here. Now, I hardly need tell you that in heaven you will be expected to behave in an exemplary manner, so I hope you will do the exact opposite - tear off their wings, use their haloes for frisbee practice, that sort of thing. Well, I have to go now, unfortunately, but Beelzebub here will show you the ropes ... and the chains, and electrodes. I'd just like to leave you with a favorite joke of mine, if I may. Quite apt to the circumstances, I think. It goes something like this: Knock, knock! Who's there? Death. Death wh...! scottlf Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/9/2004 5:19:53 PM   Oh, god. I loved this one, too! Priest Marriage Speech You know, a lot of prospective brides ask me these days, "Father, what is the church's attitude towards fellatio?" And I tend to reply by telling them a little story about the first time I was asked that question. It was a couple of years ago, a young attractive bride to be came up to me after the service and asked me just that question. "Father, what is the church's attitude towards fellatio?" And I replied, "Well, you know, Joanne, I'd like to tell you, but unfortunately, I don't know what fellatio is!" And so, she showed me! ......and ever since, whenever anyone has asked me the question "Father, what is the church's attitude towards fellatio?" I always reply, "Well, you know, I'd like to tell you... but unfortunately, I don't know what fellatio is!" TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/9/2004 6:35:49 PM   Not The Nine Oclock News !!! Shopper & Pamela Stephenson Shopper: "Do you take American Express?" Pam: "Certainly sir, and would you like to rub my tits as well ?" TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/9/2004 6:43:23 PM   Captain Mainwaring: "Pike !! Why are you wearing that stupid red scarf ? Its not camoflage and its not part of your uniform !!" "But Mr Mainwaring !!! My Mum says I have to wear my scarf when Im on parade on these cold winter nights, doesnt she uncle Frank ?" "Well sir, Im awfully sorry but I do have agree with Pike, his mother does get rather worried about his weak chest" *glaring over his small round specticles at Pike* Mainwaring mutters, "Stupid boy !!" You wanted English Humour, well it doesnt come any more English than Dads Army :o)) TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/9/2004 7:17:54 PM   "This time next year we`ll be miwyonaries !!" "You know it makes sense !!! Lovely jubly !!" And for our US readers, the spelling is a close as it gets to pronounciation, so read it like its wrote :o)) scottlf Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/9/2004 7:27:45 PM   Broadcast on all frequencies and all known languages, including Welsh. - Red Dwarf scottlf Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/11/2004 11:15:55 AM   Austin Power's talk to Dad: Senior: I could of had it away with this cracking Julie, my old china. Junior: Are you telling pork pies and a bag of tripe? Senior: Cos if you are feeling quiggley, why not just have a J Arthur? Junior: What, Billy no mates? Senior: Too right youth. Junior: Don't you remember the crimbo din-din we had with the grotty Scotch bint? Senior: Oh! The one that was all sixes and sevens? Junior: Yes. She was the trouble and strife of the Morris dancer who lived up the apples and pairs. Senior: Yes, she was the barrister that became a bobby in a lorry... Junior: And they gave her the whole lot of muffle over the Gatling gun in the Bognor Saint Regis tea kettle. Senior: And then she shat on a turle! Man Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/13/2004 1:19:41 PM   I don't suppose anyone remembers The Adventures of Barry McKenzie? ......probably wasn't a very big draw in England!.Eh? LOL TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/13/2004 2:59:39 PM   Who ? ;o)) Man Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/13/2004 7:34:07 PM   There were several movies made in Australia about a fictional character, Baza McKenzie, an Aussie who goes to England to impress them with his drinking skills. In one scene he walks into an English pub and orders a beer wearing a T shirt with "Pommie Bastards" printed on it,........... and gets promtly beat up ,of course.. I can only assume those movies did not do to well in England, since you don't remember them.:o) eeyore Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/14/2004 5:30:54 AM   Somewhere in this forum there was the usual bickering about beer. The following was told to me in a pub. (but it was told by Bruce who insisted that beer should be served ice-cold, not luke-warm, and who was also reminiscing about XXXX, so - make up your own mind). A couple of friends decided to start a new exclusive 'boutique beer' brewery. Before they opened they sent a sample to a laboratory. However, there was a mix-up somewhere, and they got a response back: "Your horse has diabetes". sanchopanza Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 7/19/2004 12:02:17 PM   Armbruster, an American importer, went to London to discuss the import of some tea from England. In spite of a really good offer, the staid old English firm seemed to take a dim view of the deal. Armbruster couldn't figure them out and finally he cornered Farnsworth, an ancient official. "Say," asked Armbruster, "what's standing in the way of this deal, anyhow?" "Well, of course this must remain strictly confidential, sir," said Farnsworth, "but we've had a bit of trouble over there in the past." "Really?" "Why, yes," said the old Englishman, "They dumped one of our shipments of tea into Boston Harbor." sanchopanza Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 7/19/2004 12:13:00 PM   Did you hear about the lady lawyer from London who dropped her briefs and became a solicitor? sanchopanza Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 7/21/2004 3:09:40 PM   Connoisseurs of coition aver That the best British girls never stir. This condition in Persia Is known as inertia; It depends what response you prefer. Thunderdome Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 7/21/2004 3:28:19 PM   A young man from Kent His dick was horribly bent. Now, to save himself some trouble He folded the thing double But now, instead of coming, he went. sanchopanza Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 7/21/2004 3:56:05 PM   Extensive research has revealed that the expression, "Hooray for our side" was first heard from the crowds lining the streets when Lady Godiva made her famous ride sidesaddle through the streets of Coventry. sanchopanza Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 8/25/2004 1:51:38 PM   How to get into a girl's panties 1) steal them from the cloth-line while she is away 2) hold them in front of you... 3) lift one foot... .... Your Reply: Your name:   New Registration Password:   Forgot password?   refresh Code:   Russian brides > Main Forum > English Humour
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