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	Create New Topic   My Posts   My forum buddies   Invite friends   Private messages Russian brides > Main Forum > I'd like to know the truth Author Post shaggy47435 Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 12/16/2004 1:30:46 PM   Housewife, hope he is right as if this is the truth it will not be hard for him to make it a more comfortable experience for you. If you are truly against it then you have done well to let him know this. He will show you over time how much it means to him. I would tell you though my bet is he feels as though it is not the same as cheating and maybe even that it is better for you than such. I know hard for you to feel this way but my bet is he will come around. Just be firm as if you truly find it wrong it will need to find and end one way or the other. I hope in the best way for you! :) QuietCharm Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 12/16/2004 1:33:46 PM   Housewife You sound much better than when you came in! :-)) A good father, eh? Doesn't sound like too 'bad' a man. As to competing with hotties. If you walked out on him, I bet I know who he would be chasing down the road. ;-) If you wouldn't mind answering...How long have you been married? Any regrets? How long did it take you to make the adjustment? Was it a big culture shock and... Was your English already at a high standard? QC ----------------- Cosmo is pernicious garbage. Saw a copy in India. Deliberately lightened the Indian women's skin and, of course, thinner than a starved whippet. 10 great ways (you didn't think you needed to know) to 'blow' your partner's 'head' off after a curry... sorry... makes me hopping... (on a bed of nails)... mad!! GLTALLTOAD Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 12/16/2004 1:58:57 PM   Housewife, I am known in this forum as probably the crudest, most pragmatic "devil's advocate" voice. But as a rule, when I and many others here decide it's worth giving my/our opinion about any particular topic or situation, we basically ask ourselves "Hummm....what would I do if that caca happened to me?" The clear advantage we have over you and you hubby is that we can think about what is happening to you without suffering the fear, shame, anguish and uncertainty because (duhh) it's not happening to us. I don't know how long you have been living in the west or the US in particular, but you mention a most important part about differences about how sexuality and sexual behaviors are interpreted, performed and satisfied from your homeland customs. You DO live with a western man in a western society that is highly sexually driven and influenced. Nothing wrong with that, despite comments from bitter, resentful poisonous tongues like Bagira. Just different. Finding the way to match the higher expectations of sexual performance, enjoyment and understanding may very well be one of those unspoken 'cultural transition' boogaboos that many men refuse to discuss BEFORE they marry their foreign brides. The following is a list on my 'not so humble opinions' about your porno-seeking-hubby situation: 1. Please, please, please DO NOT throw the privacy and sanctity of your marriage sexual life (problems included) to the mercy of a complete stranger with a piece of paper mounted on the wall that gives him permission to treat you and your husband like complete morons....and charge you a lot of money for it. 2. Finding a qualified marriage counselor these days is like finding a needle in a haystack. 3. Read the works of Pat Allen - "Getting to I do" & "Staying married". She is the only marriage therapist I have ever known of that encourages couples to break away from the vicious cycle of "therapy dependancy" in favor of self education and solution finding responsibility. 4. Avoid NAGGING your husband at all costs, it will only drive him away from you. Instead, find the subtle ways to show him you are doing what you can to help reinforce the relationship. Let him see you reading the books, ask him his opinion about any particular paragraph you think applies to your situation. 5. DO NOT create potentially embarrasing situations for him by discussing your marital problems OUTSIDE your marriage....this forum included. 6. BE PATIENT....We (men) are very simple creatures..:) It takes longer for us to understand complex causes of emotional upheaval to the female mind, no matter how strong is our committment. Good luck, toad GLTALLTOAD Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 12/16/2004 1:58:57 PM   Housewife, I am known in this forum as probably the crudest, most pragmatic "devil's advocate" voice. But as a rule, when I and many others here decide it's worth giving my/our opinion about any particular topic or situation, we basically ask ourselves "Hummm....what would I do if that caca happened to me?" The clear advantage we have over you and you hubby is that we can think about what is happening to you without suffering the fear, shame, anguish and uncertainty because (duhh) it's not happening to us. I don't know how long you have been living in the west or the US in particular, but you mention a most important part about differences about how sexuality and sexual behaviors are interpreted, performed and satisfied from your homeland customs. You DO live with a western man in a western society that is highly sexually driven and influenced. Nothing wrong with that, despite comments from bitter, resentful poisonous tongues like Bagira. Just different. Finding the way to match the higher expectations of sexual performance, enjoyment and understanding may very well be one of those unspoken 'cultural transition' boogaboos that many men refuse to discuss BEFORE they marry their foreign brides. The following is a list on my 'not so humble opinions' about your porno-seeking-hubby situation: 1. Please, please, please DO NOT throw the privacy and sanctity of your marriage sexual life (problems included) to the mercy of a complete stranger with a piece of paper mounted on the wall that gives him permission to treat you and your husband like complete morons....and charge you a lot of money for it. 2. Finding a qualified marriage counselor these days is like finding a needle in a haystack. 3. Read the works of Pat Allen - "Getting to I do" & "Staying married". She is the only marriage therapist I have ever known of that encourages couples to break away from the vicious cycle of "therapy dependancy" in favor of self education and solution finding responsibility. 4. Avoid NAGGING your husband at all costs, it will only drive him away from you. Instead, find the subtle ways to show him you are doing what you can to help reinforce the relationship. Let him see you reading the books, ask him his opinion about any particular paragraph you think applies to your situation. 5. DO NOT create potentially embarrasing situations for him by discussing your marital problems OUTSIDE your marriage....this forum included. 6. BE PATIENT....We (men) are very simple creatures..:) It takes longer for us to understand complex causes of emotional upheaval to the female mind, no matter how strong is our committment. Good luck, toad GLTALLTOAD Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 12/16/2004 1:59:49 PM   oooppsss...damn it. did the clickclick thingie again...ssooowwy. Housewife Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 12/16/2004 2:50:46 PM   I do feel better now. Lots from what I’ve read here – I heard from my husband. BUT – when your feelings are hurt it is hard to see the truth or accept it. He is my ultimate man (I still hope that he is). QC, we’ve been married for 5,5 years. My English was OK. But we still have troubles in terms THE WAY we THINK (that is besides being a man and a woman). I think in English but the Russian way – kind of tricky to explain. Regrets ......... He asked me ones. Well, when I’m upset or angry (bad time to ask) – I regret, but I think it’s usually the anger is talking. Adjustments are not over yet. I’m comfortable with the way of living, culture, language ... The family experience is a first time for both of us. Children as well. We have lots of learning to do. As for the culture shock – I had it. It was hard to ask the questions, hard to learn simple (for locals) things, get used to the system the society works. It took some time. The things as simple as fever... In our country 37,7 considered high. Here I bring my kids to the clinic with 38,3 – doctors say it’s a low-grade fever. I had to start lots of things from the blank. Toad, it was not my intention to discuss my marital problems. I am still in process of learning about the nature of the “simple western creatures”. As it is anonymous in some ways – I chose this forum to address my question. And if I would not care for my husband I’d do something more stupid. I could assure you that he’ll benefit more from my experience but I still have to deal with my feelings and handle the situation right. Thank you for the reading recommendation – I’ll check it out. It is easier to remove yourself from the situation and let someone else to see it from outside. Opened my eyes and mind in a different way. GLTALLTOAD Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 12/16/2004 3:04:56 PM   Housewife, Despite the different and even opposing suggestions we have given you, I think we all want to do what we can to help you resolve your problems...for our own sake!! We're all getting a huge real time lesson about some of the situations that await us when we marry an eastern european woman. toad Ptichka Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 12/16/2004 3:29:37 PM   Housewife you don't have to compete even in your mind with the models...believe me without a make-up, stylish hair-dress, without people preoaring them for making pictures or videos, without a good photographer...they are just usual girls, not that hot and beautiful, and have to admit that the majority of them has the most awful character I could ever imagine!!! A thought came to me...maybe you should find some new interests?? I'm sorry if you told this, but do you work??? Do you have some hobbies??? Why not to make your husband get interested in you in a new way?? Maybe I speak a little bit strange, but the thoughts are not organized correctly yet:) As for Cosmopolitan...and all women's magazines here...they write how a woman can make a man interested in her...but men's magazines very rarely write about how a man can make a woman interested in him...it's a little bit one-sided situation!! IceChaos Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 12/16/2004 3:33:25 PM   I will now throw my four cents into this discussion. I think that most women know that most men go to titty bars, and have a vast collection of porn before they hook up with the guy. But then they delude themselves into believing that he is no longer interested in porn. This belief may be true for awhile, but overtime he will go back to the porn. The way to solve the porn problem is if the guy gets married at a young age. Now though we live in a society where guys are getting married later and in many cases are coming out of divorces. I think that the porn issue for guys is here to stay. And even if the guy has no porn collection at home or doesn’t go on the Net looking for porn nine times out of ten he will go to titty bars. I also think that it is a mistake for men to share their porn with their woman. She will never understand it and will get jealous of the virtual women. I think the best solution is for the man to have no porn at home but just to go to titty bars etc. Once the woman reaches menopause her sex drive falls off the radar. The man’s sex drive may go from fourth gear down to second gear as he gets older but it never goes into park. If the man gets caught looking at porn the best thing for him to do is grovel at his wife’s feet, seek a counselor, lie his head off and find his porn away from his home and wife. This is an issue that I think can never be resolved. The only way I could see this working if the woman is a sex fiend. Ice Ptichka Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 12/16/2004 3:36:52 PM   Well...my boyfriend and I we go with friends out into bars, and in most bars there is striptease...none of the girls did complain about that. And there are married couples or those who live together, like me and my boyfriend, and those who date for several years...and nobody complains...girls even like to see such things:)) Housewife Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 12/16/2004 3:39:52 PM   Toad, That’s why I decided to ask men in this forum. We are in the same boat (I’m more like inside the submarine). Mentality is a big thing. We’ve stopped getting on each other’s nerves trying to correct each other’s thinking. But it doesn’t change how we feel inside. “Different and even opposing suggestions” I’ve been given here are not as invasive and personal, as I would’ve gotten anywhere else in person. And I don’t have to look anyone in the eyes and feel embarrassment. Very liberating. Housewife Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 12/16/2004 4:08:33 PM   No, Ptichka, I don’t work. We decided that I’d stay at home with kids until their school age. It is harder than I thought it’d be. And I can’t complain being locked up. I go to the gym, do shopping alone (with kids it is much harder and less enjoyable), if I had a hard day with kids I can go out for coffee with my friends.... He encourages me to find outside interests so it’ll lift “TALK TO ME” off his shoulders. I’m scared that the something special we had before is disappearing or slipping away. I don’t want to be married just to have official status or be there just for the kids (even though they definitely worth it). I want to love and to be loved as long as possible. And if it takes few extra steps – I am willing to take them (in this case learn to understand what lies beneath his action). wtrav02 Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 12/16/2004 5:04:27 PM   Oh that's right girls like to see such things, and we like such girls, but to me personally not when it is my wife. I think it's very tacky to take your wife to a strip bar. There are many other places to go and we can be sexual with our wives without going to strip bars. Seriously I was never into titty bars, I mean it's the stupidest thing, ok women take off their clothes and stretch on the bars, big deal in the USA, there is a guy who became billionaire by filming girls gone wild, which is young girls flashing their little boobies. That alone shows how many sickies there are in this country. If I wanted a woman physically, I would go get a woman and knock our socks. In other countries, nudity is a norm on the beach and people are more comfortable with nudity and sex. I had seen thousands of naked women during the summers that I spent in the Greek islands when I was still a teenager and afterwards in college, and I picked up all kinds of girls of every nationality that you can imagine. I was even collecting nationalities, American and Brits didn't do it because I had done too many, Italians were clasier and played hard to get, they were on premium. Stupid things men do and I say MUST do one way or the other when they're young. Just looking doesn't do it. It's like looking at the strawberry pie and it's there, but you can't even touch. I mean give me a break. "The porn issue is here to stay" because we live in a hypocritical society where sex has to be bought in pictures and magazines. I mean it shows deprived personality starving for something when there's not enough to feed. Check out all the conservatives, the evangelicals, they're the best customers of the porn sites. The porn industry makes donations to these organization to keep these dudes starving for what the porn industry can plentifully offer at a price. Frank Vans Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 12/16/2004 5:39:55 PM   Housewife, What is missing from all this dialogue is your husband voice. As he is on the computer searching out his porn, you are here having virtual conversations with all these men. While I think you are really seeking help, I find it a bit interesting. Does your husband know about your activities here? My other point is about mental health counseling. Yes, I agree there are many therapists that should not be in the business, as in other professions. I also know there are many very good counselors who are more interested in helping you than working out their own personal problems through their work with you. Many times the husband is reluctant to enter counseling becasue he is fearful he will loose control of his wife or his wife will find support for her thoughts and not need him as much. If you chose to go into counseling by yourself and the thaerapist invited him to join you two, in most cases the husband comes. What is important is someone who is able to be non-judgemental, have the skills to assist the two of you to talk and most important, to listen to each other. The solutions to your problems are within the two or you and sometimes a third person can get to those solutions. I know what I speak, for I am a mental health therapist and the clinical director for a large part of the state where I live. Neonred Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 12/16/2004 5:49:33 PM   Housewife I would like to know (perhaps you should start another topic) about the difficulties you had adjusting to your new life and living with a western man. I think it would be very helpful for those of us who plan to marry our fiance from FSU. Maybe we can learn some things that will make life easier for our new wives. GLTALLTOAD Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 12/16/2004 6:17:22 PM   Frank, If that is your line of work, then you know the entire industry nationwide (US) survives on creating dependency, not solutions to a couple's problems. Inviting a therapist to invade a couple's intimacy should not the first, second or even 10th option. It creates an unwelcome TRIANGLE of intimacy that the couple must accept to live with on top of all the other problems thay have to deal with and find ways to resolve. Your suggestion that she attend unilateral sessions with a therapist is nothing less than an abomination to anyone who has any appreciation for privacy among married people. Fastest way to break up a marriage. Divide and conquer, then blame everything on the one spouse that shows most resistance to the therapist's leadership, uh? And how long before she should start taking medication? "...And she's running for the shelter, of her little yellow helper...Oh, Doctor pleeeeaasse...some more of theeessee..." Give me a break. Education, open communication, commitment and self reliance are the worst enemies to the vast majority of shrinks fleecing people in this country. toad Housewife Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 12/16/2004 6:39:08 PM   Frank, I am still thinking whether or not to tell my husband about my action. And of course my husband doesn’t know about my activities here. But I don’t feel guilty about it. And if he’ll find out without me telling him – I have nothing to hide. I just wanted to know men’s explanations to this subject, as I didn’t get it from him. Neonred, I am not sure I’ll be a lot of help. Can’t tell you why. One thing I know for sure – mentality is very different. Toad, thanx: education, open communication, commitment and self-reliance plus a little rejuvenation will do the trick for now. We’ll keep counseling in mind for worse times. GLTALLTOAD Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 12/16/2004 6:45:49 PM   Phhheeewwww....Good for you, Wife..:) Keep those parasite leechy shrinks away from your family Frank Vans Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 12/16/2004 8:19:16 PM   Gltalltoad, Counseling has helped millions of people and the intent of good counseling is to NOT to encourage dependency, but to assist a person to enhance their life. At this point I’ll refrain from being nasty. There are some things that I question your knowledge base on and this is one of them. Housewife, talk to your husband and seek him to be supportive to your values and ethics. I don’t know of too many people that resolve relationship conflicts by keeping their thoughts to themselves. Share with him how this makes you feel and ask him to focus on the marriage. Be prepared to rally understand what he feels and thinks too. Take his hand and tell him you love him, you are worried and you want to make your marriage stronger. Best to you and your mate. Neonred Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 12/16/2004 8:20:38 PM   Housewife Tell me please, how mentality is different? Your Reply: Your name:   New Registration Password:   Forgot password?   refresh Code:   Russian brides > Main Forum > I'd like to know the truth
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