On Toad's swansong thread amid the viciousness there were 2 posts by QC and FSUfemale that really struck me.
They both cut to the core of a couple of things that are soooo important.
QC wrote about sensible age differences. As have several other forum members including Maxi.
It is extremely valid. I particularly like QC's reference to the 90 year old that smokes 60 a day.
A man marrying a woman that is 25 years younger is so much like that analogy it isn't even funny. The odds of a relationship working with that kind of age difference are remote at best. You have absolutely nothing in common. Not to mention the fact that her sex drive at 40 and yours at 65 are going to be definitely at odds!! She will start looking around.
I think a maximum of 15 years should be the guideline. It is with me.
For a really younger woman to convince me that we are right for each other is going to take some doing. My former lady and I were 12 years apart and it was really nothing remarkable because it depends on the individual.
However this age thing raises another problem. Which FSUfemale touches on in the same thread. If a woman is maybe 38 and has a career, family, ex husband and children in Ukraine/Russia/Wherever how is she going to take to being uprooted to America or UK or Germany or Australia? She already has a life and family there. Just because she has romantic notions buzzing around her head that she wants to marry or remarry and she is willing to move to the ends of the Earth to be with her man doesn't make it true.
It is a nice thought and the websites play it up like crazy but it is bullshit.
YOU have to wade through all this and figure it out on a case by case basis. Whatever she says doesn't mean squat, you have to read between the lines and make YOUR mind up about it. Personally I will take some convincing. Don't get me wrong I can definitely be convinced I just need to be coaxed.
All this takes time, many visits and it has to be bankrolled. Each trip for an American is somewhere between $2.5K to $4.5K so if you can't afford it don't get the girls hopes up. You are wasting everybody's time.
So you finally just go and you find a lady that has a sensible age difference with you. You have enough money to be able to keep this boat afloat for a while. Now what??
This is what FSUfemale addresses. When she comes to your country there will be some problems. It is going to depend on the individual and country but I think boredom is going to be the immediate enemy.
Let me give my own 'for instance'.
I have stashed away $10,000 - cash money - to support my new wife during anything up to the first year. It is enough. After that I expect her to start working and contributing to the household funds.
Meanwhile she needs time to aclimatize, possibly learn English and general orientate. Not to mention the fact that I live in South Florida and she is quite welcome to lie by the pool and roast for a couple of weeks in January. Always a great welcome for anybody new to the pleasures of Florida. HOWEVER that little bit of shine is going to wear of real fast. I shall return home every lunchtime because I am lucky I can. Then of course there are the evenings.
BUT there is a real danger that she will become very bored and want out. She will want to go back to Ukraine before even the K1 runs out. This is something that cannot be predicted.
She will be TOTALLY dependent on me for everything. America is spread out even a trip to the supermarket is an adventure without a car. It isn't like London where anybody can have great fun exploring the city with no language and a map of the tube.
Will she be able to handle being totally dependent on another person for quite a long time until she feels her feet?
Will she become bored and impatient for the independence she once knew? It will return but it will take time.
An older woman is going to go through this barrier with difficulty. She is used to being independent and her own decision maker. However it is only a barrier and will recede with time. Can she see the long term pot of gold?
It is because we have a lot of new people here and they are doing the same crap I did.
There is much more to this than is first apparent. As anybody here can tell you. I am absolutely sure Nas has thought all this through and in spades. He has a plan in place to cover any eventuality that he can think of. It is guaranteed that Maxi has done the same thing and I know full well that my friends Jetson and Neon have this completely worked out.
Please don't think that your age and money don't count - 'coz they do.
If you are broke don't get involved.
If you are planning a year long letter writing campaign before going forget it.
If you think that these women are not interested in how much money you make rethink please.
Plan ahead or you will lose.
The scams and wrinkles are endless - look out.
There is also a lot of innocent stuff that will sink you in a heartbeat. Like Dad's permission. Or wanting to support a family back in Kiev.
Also do not think for one second that the gorgeous woman that you are writing to doesn't know that she is gorgeous. SHE DOES!!
This whole thing is very much like a business deal. You bring things to the table and so does she. You the try to put together something. The only difference is that emotion becomes involved. Just don't put the emotion ahead of the deal or you are heading for a fall. That is for later. Sad but true. Love is the luxury that comes later once you are sure you ahve something going on first. And it certainly has no place until you meet face to face. If you think that you cannot fall inlove through emails, calls and photos think again because you can. Beware guys.
Izi is done now.
I hope I have everything covered! Kind of like Kevin Costner in Open Range when he is explaining to Robert Duvall about how the gunfight should play out and Duvall Responds "Well sounds like you got this all covered" Costner replies, "Yeah, ceptin' the part where we don't get killed"
All you can do is try to cover all the bases, but I'm sure something will come up to create a small difficulty. Ditto was warning me to watch out on the Laundry because the clothing in Ukraine isn't color fast so the detergent here has a way to fade the colors a bit. I guess it upset Valentina a bit, also our stair steps are shorter her than Ukraine so they are not used to walking on this style of step. I mean God, all you can do is try to cover it all.
Izi, I agree with Maxirat - your posts are beautiful! However, I am very concerned about your $10K nest egg. I do not think it is "enough." I think it is the minimum of what you shoud have available. I base this on a friend of mine's experience. The problem was health insurance. Being that my friend was self-employed; he could not find ANY company to insure his "new" wife (at least not until she got her green card.) The wife got a simple yeast infection. The first GYN visit (no insurance) $850. The follow-up $450. By the time they were finished he had paid about $1,900 just for a yeast infection! Of course, this guy is not poor - so it weren't no sweat off of his gnads. . .but still. Perhaps some of you that are employed with big companies can get health insurance for your wife no matter her citizenship? I know it sounds dire, but I'd hate to see everything be perfect for you and your future wife, and then all hell breaks loose financially because she needs an appendectomy. Please understand, I am not in anyway criticizing - I am merely pointing out, what I believe, is some vital information that is often overlooked.
T
That isn't a problem I work for Motorola.
Soon as the ring is on her finger it is a done deal. In fact if I remember rightly we have a thing about the significant other so I don't have that problem. 10k is plenty. Wish it was more but what the hell.
Anyway I have $50k more in equity line and more if I need it.
I so much agree with you!
There isn't much to add to your post! I buy it all!!!
ehhhrrmmm... well... I could just add that some of these keyboard-Juliets sometimes infact is keyboard-Boris... LOL
And the comment "I don't mean to be mean, but..." or "It is not for being sarcastic, but..." or "I don't mean to talk behind your husbands back, but he...." "It is not for being an asshole, but I just told your wife..."
Why say that it is not for being whatever.. when that is excactly what you are going to be??
Be nice to eachother, or I will tell Santa's helpers!
- and then I discovered there was a page 2 on this thread... hmm.. well, the above was an answer to what happened on page 1.. now back to reading and may be commenting.. sorry
Geri,
Let me explain.
Just what is this $10,000 for???
Eventually I shall find a nice lady and setle into regular visits and letters, phone calls etc. Hopefully after a couple or three visits I shall ask her to marry me.
NOW THE FUN BEGINS !!
To start with there will be sundry charges associated with geting the K1 visa process rolling. I will not hire an attorney I will do it by myself. I talke to Jet about this face to face and it really isn't that bad.
She will have to go to either Moscow or Kiev for a little visit to the USA embassy. I will have to underwrite that. Then she will finally have the visa.
Now I am going to need a plane ticket - one way - expensive is one way. Now she arrives. If I have a room mate at that time he will have to leave. My income just dropped. At the same time she will not be working and will be spending a considerable amount of time in the apartment. Therefore the AC must be left lower than 80 degrees so she will be comfortable. My electricity bill will go up by about $50 a month. The supermarket bill is also going to increase by about 1/3rd. Florida is not Russia or Ukraine and I want my lady to have some nice suitable clothes. She is going to need many other sundry items almost as soon as she steps off the plane. Shall we say $500 minimum?
Meanwhile I want to show her my state and visit friends who have RU wives so she will feel comfortable. Some of us locals in Florida already have plans to help one another. There will be regular dinner get togethers etc. This all costs money. Over the course of the year I plan for her to aclimatize I shall supplement my income with this pot. At the end of a year or sooner if she feels ready I want her to start work. Then she will contribute and we will slowly climb back on top. Nothing will change except things will return to square one i.e. as they were at the beginning.
It will take $10,000. Plane ticket alone will be a $1,000 minimum. The trip to the capital city another $500 minimum. There will be other money coming along at regular intervals so I am not worried that this pot will be drained away quickly. We will be fine for a year maybe longer.
Then there is the question of a child. If I find a lady with a child the ante goes up again. This is nothing to do with her finding a husband in FSU. If I brought a woman from Italy or Germany it would be exactly the same.
This is an expensive business and I have a plan. I wish I had $20,000 cash on hand I would feel better about all this.
Izi addresses a point that you must really look at very hard. You will have to subsidize your lady for a while. And 10,000 is more than a tidy subsidy. Insurance is an issue, especially in the health care arena.
Also take consideration of their down time. They most will be coming from a working backround. Everyday they are doing something. If she doesn't drive, get her into driving lessons. Especially for us who live in "Cornfed" USA or the "Deliverance Triangle" as I call the area I live in. I am taking a 30 day leave of absence from my employer when she comes. You will have to be there often with her to acclimate her to a new culture and lifestyle. I have Larissa actively participating in the renovation of our home, hell this is where she will live for a long time and I want it to be as comfortable and personalized by her taste. Never in my 47 years did I think I would live in a Eurostyle home with contemporary furniture and the like. She has sent me detailed plans of the renovation. It is incredible how smart these women are. Just remember there will be bumps in the road, I have tried to cover all angles and I'm sure I will get popped along the way with something. They are essentially coming here with the clothes on their back and leaving a lifestyle and culture they have know all their lives. The key will be patience, they are going to make mistakes, they will have difficulties, but be patient and gentle and the reward will be huge!
"The odds of a relationship working with that kind of age difference are remote at best. You have absolutely nothing in common."
Izi, I'm curious, what makes you think that you can legitimately make blanket statements about all relationships and all people?
What makes you presume to know what I will or won't have in common with any woman, whether she is 20 years younger than me or my age?
I really wish that forum members who write "extremely valid" profundities about "sensible age differences" would confine their remarks to their own relationships and not generalize to the relationships that others might wish to pursue. I understand that certain posts are written with the ostensible purpose of "helping" those who are new to this process. However, many times such posts simply come across as dogmatic and bombastic.
Personally, I prefer to encourage everyone to follow their dreams and their heart, regardless of whether those dreams conform to pre-conceived notions that certain forum members might have. Human relationships, love, and marriage are notoriously ineffable; they simply cannot be summed up with trite analogies to smoking and "business deals."
And if you really knew anything about me you would know that essentially I always speak for myself. If somebody else wishes to take on a child they can go right ahead. It is their funeral not mine.
I state my viewpoint and that is all. If you do not agree pass by and go with my best wishes.
I am fluid and willing to change until I arrive at a logical conclusion. I have done that on this subject. Are you going to ignore all the evidence that is available? Remember all this stuff is coming from guys who also have already gone around and around with this question. It intrigues all of us. Each to his own I say and good luck to you.
If you do not like what I write don't read it. However my 'bombastic' comments seem to strike a chord with the majority. I would suggest being a little less sensitive and a bit more objective. Do you write to newspapers complaining about their opinions? No you don't so relax. It is just a forum and we need to be civil.