Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off immediately after that. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die.."
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery.
As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,
"I'm so sorry; Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead", he replied.
"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't
done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and
returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on
his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and
sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog, and took it out, returning a few moments
later with a beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this
is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced
a bill which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150", she cried,
"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been $20. But, with the lab report and the cat scan ........"
Texas preacher
The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this
congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is
a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am
embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God
and this Christian family." No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this
is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will
feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was
quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop
traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered
as she spoke. "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I
never said you were a member of the Klan. I simply told a couple of my
friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"
A guy boards a plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He
notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye.
He says to him, "hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The first guy answers, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was behind the counter. So,instead of saying I’d like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said, I’d like a picket to Tittsburgh. She socked me one."
The other guy answers, "Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties. But I accidentally said: 'You ruined my life you F*cking B*tch.'"
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... after you explain the kids!"
Not neccesarily funny, but I thought the following quote apt for the above comments:
"Any point of view that fails to assume -- and to accept -- that males and females will inevitably perceive one another as "sex objects" is simply deranged."
Two very good friends, both highly experienced survivalists and outdoors enthusiasts decide to explore a hidden corner of Montana's bear country in early spring season after the last major snow strom.
It may seem redundant to explain why this particular corner of the state of Montana is rarely visited by the typical summer tourist, but the truth is that the area is infested with huge grizzly bears who in the past have been responsible for the deaths of numerous careless campers and explorers.
No matter how many warnings or the many ways the park rangers tried to use to disuade these two friends to go camping in bear country, the could not make them change their mind....and off they went.
For those who have never seen or even imagined being attacked or chased by a grizzly bear, let me tell you it may very well be the most terrorizing experience you will ever tell your grandchildren if you're fortunate enough to live to tell the story.
Grizzly bears are extremely territorial, do not have natural enemies, other than -several- men with high caliber rifles.
Grizzlies do not run, and will outrun the most fit human in the planet...yes, even a military special forces running champion.
Your only chance is climbing the tallest fattest tree you can find and wait the monster out till he gets bored.
So...these two very good friends enter bear country, knowing full well that if they make the slightest mistake, they will pay for it with their lives.
Because of their knowledge and experience, their equipment was in top shape and was inspected and reinspected several times until the very last minute.
Nothing was left to chance...that's why one of these friends was surprised to see his buddy had packed snow shoes
"...Hey, moron....you know full well you can't outrun a grizz in the snow!!! why in the world would you bother packing those things?.."
His friend responded with a sly smile:..."I don't have to outrun the grizz, buddy...I only have to outrun YOU!!"
A husband and wife were getting ready for bed one evening.
"Honey," the fellow asked, "do you want to have make love tonight?"
"No dear, not tonight," she replied.
"Is that your final answer?"
"Yes, that is my final answer!"
"In that case," he said, "may I phone a friend?"
A MAN IS LYING IN BED IN THE HOSPITAL WITH AN OXYGEN MASK OVER HIS MOUTH. A YOUNG NURSE APPEARS TO SPONGE HIS HANDS AND FEET. "NURSE", HE MUMBLES FROM BEHIND THE MASK, ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK?" EMBARRASSED, THE YOUNG NURSE REPLIES,"I DON'T KNOW, I'M ONLY HERE TO WASH YOUR HANDS AND FEET" HE STRUGGLES AGAIN TO ASK, NURSE, ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK ?" FINALLY, SHE PULLS BACK THE COVERS, RAISES HIS GOWN, HOLDS HIS PENIS IN ONE HAND AND HIS TESTICLES IN HER OTHER HAND AND TAKES A CLOSE LOOK, AND SAY'S, " THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM!" FINALLY, THE MAN PULLS OFF HIS OXYGEN MASK AND REPLIES," THAT WAS VERY NICE BUT, ARE... MY... TEST...RESULTS...BACK ?
A very confident Air Force Pilot walks into a bar and
takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives
her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for
a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running
late?" "No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art
watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch?
What's so special about it?"
The Pilot explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me
telepathically.
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.... "
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken
because I am wearing panties!"
The Fighter Pilot smirks, taps his watch and says,
"Damn thing's an hour fast."
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next" They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.