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	Create New Topic   My Posts   My forum buddies   Invite friends   Private messages Russian brides > Main Forum > American Humor Author Post TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/17/2004 6:14:58 PM   "Dont eat yellow Frank Zappa" How does that work then ? ;o)) Ditto Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/18/2004 12:58:07 PM   There was this older man who happened to be dating a very young woman. She wanted to get married, but he wasn’t sure he would be able to satisfy her. She said they should seek out a specialist and after much cajoling, he agreed. They went to see the urologist and he said they have several solutions to the problem, including a new technique where they graft the skin from the trunk of an elephant onto “the little man.” He said there was no way that would ever happen, but you know how convincing those young ladies can be. He finally consented and had the surgery. After a recovery period, they tested it out and everything worked great. They set a date for the wedding. The rehearsal dinner was held at the house of his future in-laws. They were sitting down to dinner and the bride-to-be was feeling amorous. She unzipped his fly and started to play with it. Just then a bowl of baked potatoes was being passed around. The little guy reaches up, grabs a potato and goes back under the table. Of course, there was stunned silence at the table. The future mother-in-law spoke first. She said, “I’m not sure if I saw what I think I saw, but would you be able to do that again?” He said, “I’d love to Mam, but there isn’t enough room in my ass for another potato.” GLTALLTOAD Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/18/2004 1:08:50 PM   ROFLMAO!!!!! TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/18/2004 4:18:47 PM   Polite titter :o) TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/18/2004 4:19:26 PM   Who am I kidding !! LMFA Right off !!! Good one Ditto ;o)) scottlf Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/18/2004 4:47:39 PM   lright, alright... here is one of my very favorites: This happened late on a Sunday night in a quiet little convent just outside of the wee little village of Sandy Cove, which is not too far from Dublin town. The convent was known as Our Lady of Perpetual Indulgence and the Mother Superior was Sister Martha Mary Rose Gilhooley Fitzgerald O'Hoolihan of the southern O'Hoolihans and the northern Fitzgeralds. (Of course, you know that nothing fits Gerrold, but that's another story.) On this particular night in question, it happened that the Mother Superior was sitting at her writing desk in the big study on the south side of the building, just overlooking the chapel, the sight of which she found to be especially calming when she was working on the books for the convent -- because, y'know, even a convent has its expenses to keep up -- and tonight was one of those nights, it having been a particularly long and trying day; but I won't get into that here. Well, as I was saying, the Mother Superior was working on her account books when these two little leprechauns appeared on her desk. They just kind of materialized right there -- y'know, like they'd beamed in. There was a big leprechaun, just about knee high to a bottle of Paddy's, and there was a little leprechaun, looking like a very short drink indeed. They were dressed all in green, of course, with high boots and buckles, and little green hats and felt tunics and gherkins and all the other accoutrements. The little leprechaun was a-laughin' and a-gigglin' like he'd swallowed a dandelion. The bigger leprechaun, although he really wasn't that big at all, looked rather uncomfortable, to say the least. In fact, he was red-faced and embarrassed. Well, the Mother Superior, Sister Martha Mary Rose Gilhooley Fitzgerald O'Hoolian (etc.) was quite surprised to see the two little leprechauns on her desk. Yes, indeed. Wouldn't you be surprised to have strange little men materializing in your house? But, to give the lady her due, she reacted as calmly as can be expected under the circumstances. After all, Catholics are used to the occasional miracle. The little leprechaun, he's pokin' the big one, he's sayin' "Go ahead, Shaughnessy -- ask her. Ask her." The big one, the uncomfortable-looking one, he hushes the little one impatiently, and he steps forward as politely as he can. He takes his hat off his head, he gives a little bow and he says, "Beggin' your pardon, Mother Superior. I know it's late, and I know it's the Lord's day, but might I be troublin' you for a wee little moment of your time?" The Mother Superior was very impressed by the leprechaun's politeness, so she said to him, "What can I do for ye, little man?" The leprechaun took a polite step forward and said, "Could ye be tellin' me now, if it's not too much trouble, how many leprechaun nuns do ye have in this convent?" The Mother Superior blinked in surprise and said, "I've never been asked such a question before. To be perfectly honest, I'm sorry, we don't have any leprechaun nuns in this convent at all." Well, the little leprechaun thought this was so funny, he fell down on the desktop, laughing and giggling and clutching his sides like his heart might burst. He rolled back and forth and nearly kicked over the Mother Superior's ink-bottle. "You see," he said. "You see! I told ye. I told ye." The big leprechaun was not very happy with this answer, and he was even less happy with the little leprechaun's amusement. He jerked the little leprechaun roughly to his feet, slapped him roughly and said, "Hush with ye, Michael, or I'll give ye such a thump upside yer head. I'm not through with me askin'." And he turned back to the Mother Superior and said, "In that case, if I might be troublin' ye for one question more. Surely you must know, it doesn't have to be an exact figure, but could ye be tellin' me how many leprechaun nuns there are in all of Eire, the Emerald Island?" The Mother Superior thought a bit, this was a much harder question to answer, and she said: "Well, I have done a bit of travelin' for the Arch-Diocese, so I have been to a fair number of convents up and down the coast. I'm so sorry to disappoint ye, little man, but I've never met a leprechaun nun anywhere in Eire, never even heard of one. No, I'd have to guess that there aren't any leprechaun nuns at all anywhere in all of Ireland." Well, this response was so funny to Micheal, the little leprechaun, that he just purely toppled right off the edge of the desk and into the Mother Superior's waste-basket, where he lay there gigglin' like a drunken cityman. "I told ye," he said. "I told ye." The big leprechaun stepped to the edge of the desk and looked down at him and said, "Hush with ye, Michael, or I'll give ye a taste of me shilleleagh." And he did, as soon as the little leprechaun had composed himself enough to climb back up onto the desk. Now, the big leprechaun was looking very upset. In fact, sweat was pouring off his brow, and he fingered his collar nervously. He turned back to the Mother Superior, Sistery Martha Mary Rose Gilhooley Fitzgerald O'Hoolihan, and he said, "Might I be troublin' ye for one more question, Mother Superior. Could ye be tellin' me -- how many leprechaun nuns are there in all of the Holy Roman Empire? In the Catholic Church, worldwide, under all of the Lord's great skies, ye don't have to be accurate -- a ballpark guesstimate will do -- could ye be tellin' me, how many leprechaun nuns are there in the world?" Now it scottlf Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/18/2004 4:48:33 PM   <hmmm, must have a lenght restrictions on posts! Here's the rest> Now it was the Mother Superior's turn to look unhappy. She said, "Look, little man, I've tried very hard to be polite with ye. I've tried very hard not to hurt your feelin's. But the hard truth of the matter is this: there aren't any leprechaun nuns anywhere in the entire world. I've never in my life heard of such a thing. No. And I, certainly, would have heard of a leprechaun nun, if such a thing existed. It just doesn't exist. There are no nuns that are leprechauns. There are no leprechauns that are nuns. None. There are no leprechaun nuns at all. Period. None at all." At this news, the littlest leprechaun was so beside himself with hilarity and amusement that he wet his very pants. He poked the big leprechaun sharply in the ribs and he said, "Y'see, Shaugnessy. I told ye. Ye, stupid coot! YE FOCKED A PENGUIN!!" TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/18/2004 5:49:54 PM   Too hookers ina brothel, sitting filing their nails, one girl asks the other "How`s your day been honey ?" "Busy as hell !! Ive been up and down those stairs all day !!" he friend replies "Oh your poor feet !!!!!" TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/18/2004 5:58:39 PM   Excellent Scott :o)))) GLTALLTOAD Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/19/2004 12:59:04 AM   in short, the leperchaun f..ked a penguin, right? Ditto Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/19/2004 10:56:39 AM   One of my ladies wrote this to me. I have one old Russian joke on this topic… Two old friends meet and one of them says another “You know, I am going to marry!”…”You????? Are you crazy? Why?” “She is just a wonderful woman! She will be hostess in the kitchen, queen on public and whore in the bed!”… Two months later they meet each other again and married one says that he is going to be divorced. “You??? Why so??? You were so happy with her?” “You know, she mixed everything!!! She is a whore on public, hostess in the bed and queen in the kitchen!”… At least this give me a segway into asking which one she is. (Don't worry, I'll find another way to find out. I wouldn't dare ask until I'm certain of where I stand. By then I might already know.) TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/19/2004 11:57:29 AM   LOL good one Ditto, even if it came from your lady :o)) scottlf Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/19/2004 12:19:39 PM   Reminds me of this one: In Heaven: the cooks are French, the policemen are English, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and the bankers are Swiss. In Hell: the cooks are English, the policemen are German, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss and the bankers are Italian. TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/19/2004 12:23:00 PM   LOL Ditto Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/20/2004 9:42:00 AM   10 Rules For Good Housekeeping (Hope the ladies don't read this.) 1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside. 2. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy. 3. Never make fried chicken in the nude. 4. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner. 5. You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. 6. If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger. 7. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 8. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 9. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. 10. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date. TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/21/2004 6:03:11 PM   Rule 11: How many men does it take to clean a toilet ? "Toilets get cleaned !!!!????!!!!???" ;o) My second wife asked me to buy her a dishwasher, she wasnt too impressed when I told her we didnt need a dishwasher, I married one !! ;o))) A friend of mine once said: "Before I was married I lived with my Mum, washing, cleaning, ironing everything was done for me with No hassle, you know, if I could have slept with my mother I would never have left home !!" scottlf Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/21/2004 8:45:48 PM   What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Tell her to stop watching soap operas and get back to work! TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/22/2004 5:11:17 AM   ;o) Whatever happend to that nasty feminist type who flamed in here a few months back and slagged us all off for telling jokes about women ? You remember, the "I think you are all pigs" one, and we said "She must be a Western woman !!" ;o)) Dale E Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/22/2004 6:17:02 AM   lol Tim- I was thinking exactly the same thing. Her panties would really be in a wad now after some of the lasted jokes posted. Dale E Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/22/2004 6:17:47 AM   "latest" Russian brides > Main Forum > American Humor
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