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	Create New Topic   My Posts   My forum buddies   Invite friends   Private messages Russian brides > Main Forum > American Humor Author Post TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/23/2004 3:55:29 PM   One of my X wives said to me one day: "Tim, why don`t you make me feel like a woman anymore ?" So I took 20 quid out of her purse, showed her where the ironing board was, and borrowed her car to go to the pub :o) scottlf Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/23/2004 9:30:02 PM   Hmmm, if you really did that, I would think you would still be married. TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/24/2004 6:53:23 PM   Some women just dont appreciate me mate :o) GLTALLTOAD Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/24/2004 8:41:05 PM   OINK!! OINK!! OINK!! OINK!! GLTALLTOAD Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/24/2004 8:45:11 PM   Or like Tim Allen used to open up his live stand-up comedy show:..."Ladies, men are pigs, aren't we?...(Roaring from the female crowd)".....To which he answered wich hands ajar on his waist and a thunderous laugh: "Well, too bad we own everything...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"... What decades ago in the west started as a minor case of 'penis envy', has turned out to be an out of control all out sustained female offort of complete role reversal...... Thanks heavens for FSU women...pphheeewwwww!!! scottlf Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/24/2004 10:24:23 PM   That plays fairly well into the general subject matter in the movie "Fight Club". Anyone recall the overall point of the movie? It's somewhat on target in regards to western relationships. Ditto Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/25/2004 5:50:00 AM   A father put his three year old daughter to bed, and listened to her prayers - which she ended by saying "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa." The father said, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." When the grandpa died on the very next day, the father thought it was just a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma. Next day the grandmother died. "My gosh," thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side." Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy." He practically went into shock. Couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could just get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt very safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinkin coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and finally went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch." GLTALLTOAD Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/25/2004 10:02:25 AM   LMAO Ditto!!!! Long live DNA testing..!!!!!!!! TimH, To show you that not all lawyers are worthless leeches, I know of at least two of them personally who have been constantly advocating, campaigning and spending lots of their own money to make DNA testing of every newborn child in California "MANDATORY". another small but note worthy riple in the changing tide. TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/25/2004 3:09:39 PM   In Clai it makes a lot of sense mate !!!! It might slow down the divorce race for one !!!! So you know 2 !! Out od how many thousand ?? Sorry mate but it will be a cold day in hell before I EVER trust a lawyer, even when I have had to use them I still dont trust them one inch !! Im using one at the moment for my house sale and buying another house, I have to call them almost daily to keep my boot up their asses or they wouldnt do a damn thing until they had too !! And the ones working for the guy buying my house should be shot at dawn !!! They never reply to voicemail, Ever, I have told my lawyers from now on, DONT leave them a message to call back there is no point, havnt you figured that out yourselves yet ??? Keep trying to call them until you get a human being on the phone !!! "What do you call 1000 dead lawyers in a swamp ?" "A damn good start !!" scottlf Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/25/2004 3:29:40 PM   How come sharks don't attack lawyers? Professional courtesy! TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/25/2004 3:37:35 PM   Amen to that Scott !!!! scottlf Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/25/2004 4:02:07 PM   Okay, here is a rather crude one. Why do lawyers wear neck ties? To keep the foreskin from crawling up their necks! scottlf Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/25/2004 4:11:59 PM   Here some other's I just found that are pretty good: Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called, Sosumi. Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage? They threatened to release one every hour until their demands where met. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on. How are an apple and a lawyer alike? They both look good hanging from a tree. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford? How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb . . . How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common? They're both extinct. What do lawyers and sperm have in common? It takes 300,000 of them to make one human being. What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? Not enough cement. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor. What happens to a lawyer who jumps out of a plane at 35,000 feet without a parachute? Who cares? What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? He gets taller. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do. What type of apparel is the most popular with lawyers? Law-suits. What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog. What's brown and looks really good on a lawyer? A doberman. What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar? The pronunciation. What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion? You cry when you cut up an onion. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles. What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer? One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect. What's the difference between God and a lawyer? God doesn't think he's a lawyer. Where can you find a good lawyer? The nearest cemetery. Why did God make snakes just before lawyers? To practice. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice. Why don't lawyers go to the beach? Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice. What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell? Another lawyer. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners. What does a lawyer use for birth-control? His personality. Ditto Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/25/2004 4:28:28 PM   Female Obsessions... A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first somewhat-portly mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom, wearing an expensive fur coat; "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Mercedes." He turns to the third Mom, who was somewhat inebriated; "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother, who was wearing a skintight leather skirt, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving." TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/25/2004 7:12:16 PM   IM laughing so much I think my sides are going to split !!!! :o)) tony1234 Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/25/2004 10:04:24 PM   I got dibs on Tims Liver..... Ditto Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/26/2004 11:58:14 AM   A COLD NIGHT A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two retired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims. "Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted. TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/26/2004 2:04:41 PM   My liver is fine Tony :o) Its the rest of me thats falling to bits !! ;o) LOL@Ditto :o) Ditto Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/26/2004 2:28:14 PM   I am a doctor specializing in instrumentless surgery. gladiatorUK Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/26/2004 6:01:30 PM   A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk to it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector. I really do miss him..." Russian brides > Main Forum > American Humor
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