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	Create New Topic   My Posts   My forum buddies   Invite friends   Private messages Russian brides > Main Forum > American Humor Author Post gladiatorUK Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/26/2004 6:28:32 PM   It was late on Christmas Eve and a teenager wanted to buy a last-minute gift for his new girlfriend. Since they had not been dating long he decided to buy her a pair of gloves. The gift would strike the right note: personal, but not too personal. Accompanied by his girlfriend's younger sister, he went to the local clothing store and bought a pair of expensive leather gloves. The sister browsed around the store and purchased a few pairs of lace panties for herself. During the wrapping, however, the rushed clerk mixed up the items and gift-wrapped the panties. The guy hastily wrote out a card, had the clerk tape it to the box and asked the sister to put it under the family Christmas tree. His girlfriend opened the box the next morning to find the panties and the following note: "I chose these because I noticed you never wear any. I was going to get the long ones with buttons, but your sister showed me her short ones and they were very easy to take off. These look fairly delicate, but the lady I bought them from modelled a pair she had been wearing for three weeks and they were barely soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked great. Wish I was there to see you try them on the first time, as no doubt others will come in contact with them in the next few days. Your sister said you've had a few other pairs over the years but tended to take them off and forget them in the mall or at the movies, so I'll remind you to stick these in your purse when we go out. Oh yeah, the lady said you should blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a bit damp. I hope you wear them for me Friday night. All My Love, P.S. The lady and your sister both said the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing. :))))))))))) TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/27/2004 2:17:55 PM   LOL :o))) Dale E Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/27/2004 2:56:27 PM   A man making his first visit to the proctologist is seated in the doctor's office by the nurse. "the doctor will be in shortly" she says. While waiting for the doctor, the man notices a tray on the doc's desk that has vasoline, a rubber glove, and a beer on it. when the doc arrives, the man says, "I understand the vasoline and rubber glove, but what's the beer for?" Immediately the red-faced doctor goes to the door and yells at his nurse, "I said a BUTTLIGHT". TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/27/2004 2:57:56 PM   LOL gladiatorUK Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/27/2004 4:39:32 PM   seems to sum up a lot of american beer................ONLY KIDDING GUYS!!!! TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/27/2004 4:41:34 PM   Why is US beer like making love in a boat ? Coz its f*cking close to water ;o) gladiatorUK Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/27/2004 4:42:59 PM   aha.....I sense a man with a taste for good english ale here!!!!! TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/27/2004 4:43:53 PM   Two cops on a freeway pull a driver over for driving iratically. The first officer walks up to the car and the driver winds down the window. "Good evening sir, have we beena naughty boy then ?" "What do you mean officer, hic !!" "Little drinky after work was it ?" "Only 5 pints of Coors officer !!" "Sam !! Put the breathalizer back in the cruiser, we are leaving !!" TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/27/2004 4:45:10 PM   I only drink Vodka Glad ;o)) "When in Rome" and all that :o)) Never have lied beer, cannot even comprehend how anyone could "like" bitter !! I think mayeb they just drink it because they think they should, and over the years they get used to the tase :o) gladiatorUK Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/27/2004 4:46:00 PM   a bullseye methinks Tim.......even tho a little cruel to our transatlantic cousins......LOL gladiatorUK Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/27/2004 4:49:47 PM   Instructions for Microsoft's new TV Dinner product: You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat Then enter:ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy/yumyum:-)gohot TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/27/2004 4:51:06 PM   Many Americans I know who have lived in the UK for a while, and many I know that have visited have comented that our beer/light beer or to use its real name Lager :o) Is far better then the US muck ;o))) I have to say though when I was there in 2K i was VERY impressed with a clear beer called Zima :o)) Drank lots of those :o) gladiatorUK Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/27/2004 4:53:58 PM   you sure that wasn't russian infiltration Tim.........sounds quite soviet to me!! gladiatorUK Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/27/2004 4:57:52 PM   and in a vain attempt to calm the waters........this is for you guys across the pond....... Here is the reply to the Letter sent to the Americans. To the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum! However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a 'backwards step' by the majority of the world. To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt: 1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your 'aluminium' example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name 'aluminum' (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into 'aluminium' to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman). However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor. 2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue. 3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15) 4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked 'Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels', Trainspotting', and 'The Full Monty'. We've also heard good things about this 'Billy Elliot'. But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front. 5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt 'Candle In The Wind' again for you guys. 6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident. 7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of satan they'll teach you how to cook. 8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies. 9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for 'Teletubbies'. Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas. p.s. - regarding WW2: You're Welcome. TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/27/2004 4:58:28 PM   No mate, the Yanks can put beer away at a fair lick, unfortunately they fail to realise that 4 of our beers = 10 of theirs :o)) gladiatorUK Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/27/2004 5:00:21 PM   lol........:))).......keepin it real eh Tim? scottlf Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/27/2004 5:02:17 PM   Different strokes for different folks. I for one doubt I could go down the road of being a Guiness drinker, but then again, I wouldn't have to eat anymore since I would be getting all my nutrients in liquid form. There are lager brands in the U.S. as well (locally brewed, I mean). One I liked for sometime was Samuel Adams until they couldn't consistently make a good batch. At this point, I usually stick to Mexican beers (darks and lagers). The canucks have some good ones, too, but none that I particularly go out of my way for. In the middle of summer, a good Heifeweizen is a good change, though (and I mean brewed in Germany)! TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/27/2004 5:07:18 PM   Guiness (or Mackeson, but I doubt you can get that in the US) half and half with Coca Cola is a lovely refreshing drink :o)) And before anyone goes eeeeewwwww !!! Try it, you will be pleasantly suprised !! And its a German idea, not UK ;o)) TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/27/2004 5:08:16 PM   Guiness (or Mackeson, but I doubt you can get that in the US) half and half with Coca Cola is a lovely refreshing drink :o)) And before anyone goes eeeeewwwww !!! Try it, you will be pleasantly suprised !! And its a German idea, not UK ;o)) "The canucks have some good ones, too" The Cannucks are masters or beer swilling Eh !! TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/27/2004 5:09:05 PM   OH Baldricks !!! It did me again !!!! The first one wouldnt send, so I stopped it, tried again and the bugger posted twice !! Russian brides > Main Forum > American Humor
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