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	Create New Topic   My Posts   My forum buddies   Invite friends   Private messages Russian brides > Main Forum > American Humor Author Post TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/27/2004 5:09:44 PM   GTG chaps :o)) Dinners ready :o)) cya later :o) gladiatorUK Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/27/2004 5:18:04 PM   guiness and coke?????......strange one that mate,might try it after a few vodkas though!!!. scott: the german stuff is probably the best of the lot...especially the smaller breweries....ahhhh,happy days!! scottlf Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/27/2004 5:24:14 PM   I MIGHT consider it if I did not mind losing the contents of what was already in my stomach. That reminds me. When I would get sick as a child, my grandmother would give me 7-UP. The reasoning was that at the worst, 7-UP tastes the same coming up as it does going down. At the best, it calmed your stomach and helped in keeping you from becoming dehydrated. Sorry to through that in, but it just jumped into my head. gladiatorUK Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/27/2004 5:26:14 PM   ROFL @ scott......guess I'll never look at a can of 7-Up the same way again now!!!! gladiatorUK Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/27/2004 5:27:03 PM   What Single Ads REALLY Mean! FIRST THE ADS FROM WOMEN 40-ish.................. 48 Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will Athletic................ Flat-chested Average looking......... Ugly Beautiful............... Pathological liar Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin Educated................ College dropout Emotionally Secure...... Medicated Feminist................ Fat; ball buster Free spirit............. Substance user Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut Fun..................... Annoying Gentle.................. Comatose Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic New-Age................. All body hair, all the time Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only Open-minded............. Desperate Outgoing................ Loud Passionate.............. Loud Poet.................... Depressive Schzophrenic Professional............ Real Witch Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat Romantic................ Looks better by candle light Voluptuous.............. Very Fat Weight proportional to height..................Hugely Fat Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking Widow................... Nagged first husband to death Young at heart.......... Toothless crone------------------------------------------------------------------- THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST 40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old Athletic......... Sits on the couch and watches Eurosport Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose & back Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack (beer) Good looking............ Arrogant Honest.................. Pathological Liar Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent Mature.................. Until you get to know him Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested Thoughtful.............. Says 'Please' when demanding a beer TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/27/2004 6:09:34 PM   Glad: 1/2 n 1/2 Makeson and coke is nicer :o) Its like a shandy but with coke instead, the Germans drink Bitter shandy made with coke and its very very nice :o) Scot: Useful tip if you have kids with an iffly tummy, give them flat lemonade (falt meaning the gas has gone out of it) I can only think that your Grans idea worked just as well, so long as the bubbles didnt make you puke :o)) The flat version is sugar high so lots of energy, and nothing nasty that will invoke more boughts of chucking. Which reminds me of a mate of mine on a cross channel ferry, bending over the railings parting with the contents of his stomach, a bloke walked past him and casually asked, "weak stomach ?" "Sod off" said my mate, pointing to a guy doing the same further down the boat "Im chucking it just as far as he is !!" ;o)) LOL, good one Glad, and so accurate, on almost all counts :o) scottlf Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/27/2004 7:00:49 PM   I would like to edit some of the womens ones from my point of view: Emotionally Secure - Frigid Free spirit - With your friends, next door neighbor, postman, milkman, visiting Jehovah's witness...... Old-fashioned - 24*7 headache Wants Soulmate - Completely Psychotic TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/28/2004 4:23:36 AM   Spirtitual = Obcessed with her own spirituality, doesnt give a monkeys about anyone elses !! Old fashioned = expects your pay packet in her hand Friday evening, un-opened !! Passionate = argumentative to the point of blindness !! scottlf Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/28/2004 9:11:23 AM   Liberated - "What's a vacuum sweeper?" TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 5/28/2004 11:40:41 AM   Liberated = I havnt cooked dinner because I have been sat on my ass watching Ohpra all afternoon. Liberated = Do it yourself !! Ditto Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/2/2004 4:54:40 PM   Why I fired my secretary... Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went down to breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. But she didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started off to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked in the door, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better -- someone had remembered. About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." So off we went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had a couple of martinis and enjoyed ourselves tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." I nodded and smiled. After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and then she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'd like to slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of my closest friends. All were singing Happy Birthday. And there I sat on the couch with nothing on but my socks. And that is why I fired my secretary. scottlf Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/2/2004 4:59:31 PM   LOL@Ditto scottlf Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/2/2004 5:06:42 PM   Took me a while, but I knew that joke reminded me of another good one: A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom ! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." So, they go to "Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, " What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million to one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15 year old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room." scottlf Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/2/2004 5:12:13 PM   Oh, well. While I'm at it. A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice. "DIG!" He looks around, but nobody's there. "I am having hallucinations!", he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: "I SAID, DIG!" So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says "OPEN!" Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says "TO THE CASINO!" Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino. The deep voice says "ROULETTE!" So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice says "27!" He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball lands and stays at 26. There is silence for several seconds. "SHIT!" TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/3/2004 3:50:00 PM   LOL@ them all !!!! scottlf Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/3/2004 4:08:27 PM   Perhaps we should progress to just giving the punch line, and see who recognizes the joke? gladiatorUK Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/3/2004 4:10:52 PM   nope keep em coming scott......pure gold my friend. gladiatorUK Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/3/2004 4:32:43 PM   A man is in bed with his wife when they hear a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" asks his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door to see a man standing there. It doesn't take him long to realise the man is drunk. "Hi there", slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to collect the kids from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's door? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "Go downstairs and help him." So the husband gets dressed and goes down to help him. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts,"Hey, do you still want a push?" He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." Still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies," Over here on your swing" TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/3/2004 4:35:30 PM   There was a power cut in the land of Tim last night, so slow it down a bit will you guys ! Im having trouble catching up, let alone keeping up !! ;o)) scottlf Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/3/2004 4:46:36 PM   One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The agitated officer responded, "What are you? Some kind of wise ass!?" "Nope," the driver replied, "I'm the Designated Decoy." Russian brides > Main Forum > American Humor
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