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	Create New Topic   My Posts   My forum buddies   Invite friends   Private messages Russian brides > Main Forum > American Humor Author Post gladiatorUK Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/3/2004 5:26:10 PM   Power cuts Tim????? When did you move to Bahgdad then??..........:)) TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/3/2004 6:48:31 PM   I didnt mate, its one of the down sides to living in a village !! Recently every time it rains we have power cuts !! Good job Im moving out in 8 days :o)) LOL@Scott, I had heard that one before, but its a good one ;o)) TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/3/2004 6:50:59 PM   "Recently every time it rains we have power cuts" Come to think of it, I dont think we mentioned that in tha sales particulars !! Damn !! "Picturesque cottage in the country, open countryside views, real fire, double glazing, and has a certain warmth and charm in the evening when lit by candle light" :o)) Ditto Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/4/2004 5:02:56 PM   Sex and Typewriters... A husband and wife decided they needed to use certain phrases to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on their sex life. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded telling her young child, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father the bad news. A few days later the mom told her, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father and came back to her mother and gave the father's response, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand." TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/4/2004 7:53:01 PM   LMAO !!!! Ditto Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/9/2004 3:02:46 PM   A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck", the firefighter says with admiration. "Thanks", the girl says. The firefighter takes a closer look and notices the girl has tied her wagon to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles. "Little Partner", the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren." Ditto Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/9/2004 3:05:56 PM   A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year". The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it". scottlf Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/9/2004 3:07:10 PM   ROFL Ditto Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/9/2004 3:12:58 PM   All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card. scottlf Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/9/2004 3:14:21 PM   What's a sorority girls favorite credit card? DADDY'S! (goes well with the previous joke) Ditto Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/9/2004 3:17:57 PM   Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 every week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "Every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" The old lady said, "Oh, $20,000 a week. The pastor was amazed. "Your son must be very successful. What does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is a very honorable profession," the pastor says. "Where does he practice?" The old lady says proudly...."Well, he has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno." Ditto Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/9/2004 3:20:43 PM   Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, Saint Peter tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention of the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven." So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man." So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford. When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?" Adam says, "Yes." "Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention: 1) There is too much front end protusion 2) It chatters at high speeds 3) The rear end wobbles too much 4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust." "Hmmmmm.." says Adam, "hold on". So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours." Thunderdome Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/9/2004 3:41:09 PM   A South African businessman was aboard a local cityhopper in the US, the seat next to him empty, waiting for take-off. In the nick of time a leggy buxom blonde filled that seat, and his eyes were glued to her chest. Only when having reached altitude he realized two things: he'd been staring, and the letters 'ANC' were on her way undersize T-shirt. So he asked her somewhat apologetic "I'm sorry, but I'm from South Africa, and I am intrigued by the fact that you wear a T-shirt from a political party of us" "Oh, that, no, not at all, I see what you mean. No, this just means Annual Nymphomaniac Conference. In fact I just come back from it, that's why I wear it" The guy can't believe his ears, but also cannot take his eyes off her, she's a stunner. So he asks "Really now? That is interesting, I am curious. What kind of things do you do on such a conference if I may ask?" "Of course you may. Well, just the usual I'd say, we vote on which nation is the best lover, who has the biggest one, you know, that kind of stuff" "Really now, and tell me, what was the outcome of this year's vote?" "Quite interesting really this year. The best lovers are the Red Indians, and the Jews have the biggest one. But I'm sorry, I did not introduce myself, my name is Aleona" "Ah, how rude of me Aleona, of course I should have done that first, sorry. Pleased to meet you, my name is Hiawata Cohen" scottlf Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/9/2004 3:58:22 PM   There's a similar one told by comedian Emo Philips. The girl was hot for jewish cowboys, and his name happend to be "Buckey Goldstein". Emo was an odd one, but had a few good ones. My favorite is still about him trying to pick up women in a bar. Emo: Would you like to go out? Lady: I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last man on earth. Emo: Lady, if I was the last man on earth, I wouldn't let you in line! TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/9/2004 4:46:24 PM   I love Emo !!!!! "When I was a small boy my daddy said to me "Emo, do you believe in God?" I said "Of course I believe in God daddy !!! So my daddy said "Then stand up and shout alleluia !!" So I stood up, and I fell off the roller coaster :o/// "When I was a child I used to lay in bed at night, listening to my parents arguing downstairs !! Saying things like, "See !!!! I told you he would live !!!" "To ensure that I was never scared of the dark, my parents filled my daylight hours with as much horror as possible !!" :o)) TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/9/2004 4:47:04 PM   Loved the jokes Guys :o)) Keep `em commin :o)) scottlf Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/9/2004 4:51:05 PM   Another great one of Emo's: I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said,"Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?" He said, "Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?" He said,"Reformed Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. TimH Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/9/2004 6:51:58 PM   LMAO, I hadnt heard that one before Scott, blinder :o))) Ditto Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/10/2004 9:47:15 AM   Blond Detectives Three blondes were applying for the last available position on the Maine State Police. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So ya'll want to be a cop, eh?" The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said, "Did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for 2 seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face!" Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused, too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying "All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said, "I did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?" The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!" Ditto Member send PM   block PM add to buddies Send: 6/10/2004 9:50:30 AM   Do The Math A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. -- Your Husband" When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up." Russian brides > Main Forum > American Humor
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