Based on my experience you can not MAKE a relationship work. There is none of this or any of these feelings for both of us for my present relationship. We both were very interested in the other from the outset; there never was any one-sidedness like in Colin's case. Our relationship grew together, never was either of us trying to "win over" the other. We kept to ourselves, we were only ourselves to each other, and we allowed the other to determine if there was an attraction. Everything was and is being done together yet allowing the other to make their own decision.
He may be able to win her over or maybe she will just accept the comfort but never be deeply happy with him. That to me is not a good sign for a longterm relationship; that here in the beginning of their relationship it is not two-sided but clearly one-sided.
His infatuation with her may be clouding rational thinking. Or maybe he fell in love with her before she was able to fall in love with him, based again on maybe still recovering from the previous relationship.
Again based on my experience, you can not make a relationship work. It either works both ways from the start or it does not.
Ok its clear now, take her to the black sea and things will work out :) But seriously all good advice.
Also it can't be easy for the girl to move country and at the same time all of a sudden be a wife. This is something Nasfan has pointed out on here a few times and something I listened to. Its a much different story when she moves to your country, so you can't expect things to go smoothly and under stress some people don't cope well.
What I was trying to convey with my story, which is only mine and should differ from everyone else's, is that our relationship grew together. There never was a period when either was "more in love" with the other.
And no, I only accompanied her to the Black Sea from here in the Midwest, but it was during this trip and during our communications that we determined and expressed our love for each other.
That love and committment has been challenged many times since then and we still have the same feelings and desires for each other. Yes it will be very stressful and we both have done everything in our power to prepare for each other.
The OP's case is just the opposite. There clearly is one-sided love and I can only hope that it will work out. It may not and I just hope that no one is hurt by this if it doesn't.
It was certinaly in jest and your post is worth people reading and taking note of. I couldn't agree more and couldn't add anything extra to what had been said already. I'm not so sure its that clearly one-sided in colins case, it didn't seem that way at the start before he got married. I would just say to him give her time and more importantly some space. And good luck.
she has said she was attracted to me and wouldnt have married me otherwise, she maybe one of those women with a hangup about sex she refuses to tell me what happened in the past but just that it was very bad, could he have forced himself on her maybe? a semi rape ? this could turn someone off sex, but then im only guessing. Out side of this we get on great she is very affectionate ,just when it comes to the sex
Well, being totally honest and open is a must in my book for a successful relationship.
Yes the past can remain in the past. Being a sentimental old fluff, I'm more intested in making love than having sex. So yes, give her the space and let the relationship develop. Yes maybe you both jumped in too fast; maybe she hadn't given herself enough time to heal the old wounds. Maybe you are the perfect man for her and she jumped at the chance and to not lose you.
Your patience, if your relationship is meant to be forever, will be rewarded later. Good luck.
btw we didnt meet the Ukranian guy but he sms,s her now quite a bit she is open with me about what he sms,s like what does she think of weather and stuff. She has however put off meeting him ,i did some checking about him and he is married with some children to a Ukranian girl
As I read your story, it reminds me of my own... and my heart bleeds more than a little.
Your need is to walk down the path you are on, until you find whatever you recognize to be its end - and to pay whatever it is going to cost. I respect, that this is your decision.
I had the good fortune to meet a teacher and guide, from whom I learned that the beginning of the journey of spiritual growth is honesty with myself ... about myself. Who am I, in truth? What is the measure of my worthiness?
Recently, I told a Russian woman (met through a dating site) some of my history with women in the Russian-speaking world, and she became quite angry with me -- saying something like, "you behave as though you have no value!" You will understand, that what she was reacting to, was my giving to people who don't give back.
She was quite right, of course ... and I am grateful to her for the "chewing out" - I needed the reminder. For all of my many faults and limitations, I am a good, kind, and worthy man. There is noone else in all the world, just like me. It's OK for people not to recognize my value, and it's OK for me to let them go.
For the most part, I am powerless over the thoughts and feelings of others (after all, I can barely sort out my own!) By itself, my hard work can't make a success out of a relationship (whether romance, friendship, or business). Now in my 50s, I am understanding that each relationship has its own motion. Some are flowing, and some muddy and turbulent. In my 50s, I understand that when a relationship is not flowing, (A) I can't fix it by myself, and (B) nobody made me responsible for fixing it in the first place.
When I was a kid, there was a song that played constantly on the radio for a while, with the words "deal me out, thank you kindly, pass me by! Pass me by, pass me by, if you don't happen to like it pass me by." Lately, this song keeps coming to my mind...
I will go along with baron555's post earlier. We did not share the "I love you's etc" Yet truth be told - and funny we were both reluctant to even to discuss it - is that we were both 'in love' with the other long before we met. And we did not discuss the word all the time we were together. Yet there was no mistaking it. Yet even after our first time together neither of us issued those words to the other. Why spoil a good friendship by immediately declaring never ending love. We continued to build on a relationship based on common feelings and desires. And desires mean everything from how one treats fellow human beings to the fascination of glacier patterns over the past 10,000 years. And also much simpler things. Like what you want to grow in the garden to can you drive a stick shift.
I am totally in line with what baron555 says. Except that we did not get 'engaged' to be married until well after our first meeting. But deep in our hearts we both knew it was inevitable. Though we did not discuss it until a couple months later when we were to meet again. It IS possible to meet 'THE ONE' on your first meeting.
And though this is not about me or baron I just wanted to express a confirmation to baron's reply.
Colin -- I think some folks here have expressed serious concerns about your situation. I will not offer specifics, but I can only say I agree, you are swimming in gasoline with a lighted torch hanging over your head. I hope I am wrong.
if she was my wife -- maybe -- or future almost ex-wife. not usre if the papers were finalized.
but to put some kind of program to monitor emails, communication etc. okay colin-007,
it sounds to me as if you have issues beyond whether or not you should continue a "relationship" with this woman/girl. you mean to tell me your wife and you have been together and there is no intimacy in your time? whether or not you continue to be a gentleman is not the issue. she is just stringing you along... you are a mouse following cheese on a string...
send me her number -- I wish to talk with her and to set things straight. she needs to know what a fool she is. and I hope not what a fool you are. but look back on yourself and the situation. look at what you have already said and the advice others have given. let me talk to her and find out the real story. I am a cool guy. I have done this before for others -- though not in another country. It will be a new challenge for me. but one I am cetainly capable of tackling.
I think you are on the mark Dan, as with most posts above.
From my experience women that are in love find sex is GREAT SEX even if the the guy just lies there useless.
Ive been in situations from both sides. One girl I was was with initiated all the sex but for a long time I couldnt light her up because she was smarting over the loss of her previous lover. The problem is, that you can be with these women but they often hold on to these dreams for a life time.
found her email she lied ,she was emailing 2 men one just 2days ago
she even asked to meet in Dublin. So today I took her passport I will cut visa from it
and told her she has 2 stay in a guest house and I will drop her 2 airport monday a flight is booked.
I hope you are learning a lot about yourself from this misery. You can't change her, or anyone else - but you can improve yourself.
Probably, this will inspire sober reflection for many of us on this forum. You have really bared your chest here, and your openness will benefit others.
At least today, you begin to become free.
P.S. I am not a lawyer, but I think that the visa may be the property of the UK government, and defacement of the passport potentially a serious offence. It may be prudent to seek legal counsel. If you believe that she furnished false information to obtain her visa, you can notify the government of this - they will be interested.
I could have told you the end of this story long ago. Colin, you get an 'E' for effort but maybe you can find someone that gives back what you are willing to give....
If you guys remember this story, Colin asked her to marry him on second week of first visit, if I am correct.
What is it with the 'in love'...'the ONE'....'I love you'........true love takes time, not days or months, maybe not even years......love takes the test of time............
Well at least you know now. Its just the mentality of a lot of ukraine and russian women - they are always on the lookout for a better deal and are capable of suppressing their personal feelings when necessary in order to use someone as a stepping stone. I don't think its because they are innately bad people, its just that are accustomed to being treated as a use-and-discard resource by their own men and so a man who genuinely cares for them is not something they can understand or appreciate.
sat on my lap and cryed said she finds it hard to communicate with people (which she does) she says u can talk to anyone .which i do and email was a old one she said she has been in love b4 and dosnt want to make love till she loves me, making love without love is nothing, she knows i try hard and she tries as well never she said has she cooked so much. Damn why cant she just go when I tell her!
I was going to say checking her email or seeing what see writes would only lend to something like this and it could be innocent with you potentially taking it the wrong way. Problem is your looking for a reason to know that she doesn't love you so you can tell her to go and not regret it. So your always on edge and can overreact.